I discovered late in life, in my early thirties, that I am a lesbian. The past two years I've been accepting this slowly but surely and I'd finally the courage to open up and let love into my life, where I previously didn't have relationships. Quite a late bloomer, huh :icon_redf I'm in a relationship for almost a year and a half now, with a beautiful and wonderful woman. She makes me so happy and I feel so completely myself when I am with her. And I love her with all my heart. Lately we're are struggling in our relationship though. She's completely out to everyone, and so far I am out to a few friends and a few colleagues. She told me recently that, to take our relationship to the next level, to live together and maybe start a family (the clock is ticking for us both)...I basically need to be out to my family. She feels we are in limbo, stuck, until I do. I feel so torn. I love her so much, I want to come out for her but at the same time I am dealing with a huge amount of anxiety. I get myself fired up, try to think of when and how to come out to my family, feel euphoric for a couple of minutes and then panic brings me right back down. It's driving me crazy, it's exhausting me and every time I talk to my girl I end up crying because of the pressure, the frustration that this happens and because my girlfriend has a really hard time dealing with those internal struggles I have. She does understand, she's been through it, but I feel she's been more distant, which makes me upset as well. It's my biggest wish to be with her and to commit, and I know she loves me. That's not the problem. I am afraid that I will lose her though, if I don't move soon. I've been angry at her because I feel she's putting more pressure on me and that her being distant feels like a punishment, but I also get where she's coming from of course. What do you think about my situation? And how do you deal or have you dealt with the anxiety that comes with coming out? I hope that talking about it here, at least will help me to deal with it better emotionally. Thank you for reading <3
Hi there, I don't have any advice backed up by experience and feel for you but I wonder whether you could try doing little things that would give you a bit more confidence around the whole matter? I don't know where you're at with this stuff but maybe holding hands in public or telling the hostess at the restaurant your girlfriend is just parking the car or… I don't know. I'm just thinking the more you "practice" inconsequential coming-outs (because these "observers" are all strangers), it might give you more confidence for you to tell your family. I'm thinking of making note of how I'd like to phrase my end of the conversation. Just when anything comes to mind so I'll have it all mapped out beforehand. Best of luck.
Thank you, Really. I am trying to take little steps, like you said. And those I can handle. I guess it's a matter of growing into it and getting more assertive. Choosing me and choosing me only instead of always thinking about everybody else first. Thank you so much for your time to reply! Really appreciated
Hi Vsgirl! I can't begin to tell you how much better you will feel once you come out to your loved ones. I struggled for well over a year with coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed a lesbian. It's a really difficult thing, especially if you're realizing later in your life (I came out at 26). My family always had the expectation that I would grow up, meet the man of my dreams, get married, and start a family. I don't think they truly expected that I would fall for the most incredible woman on the planet but I did. The year that I spent hiding the fact that I was gay was probably one of the most stressful times in my life. It's really hard to keep something that make you so wonderfully happy a secret. My girlfriend came out to her family first and I immediately noticed how much happier she was and it was almost as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. I wanted to have that feeling. I came out to my Mom and it honestly wasn't a surprise to her. The rest of my family was super accepting and they confessed to me that they had their suspicions to begin with. Sometimes we're not all as subtle and secretive as we'd like to be. I'm completely out to all the people who matter in my life. I am not out at work because I am an educator and I feel like my personal life isn't really any of my students' business. My point is that your decision to come out is completely yours and yours alone. I hope that you're able to some day be open with your loved ones because it's a pretty amazing feeling.
I'm struggling with acceptance but I recently told my best friend and the weight that's lifted off my shoulders is incredible. I plan on telling my sister tomorrow. I think that Really's advice is good. Do you worry about their reaction? If ou've been together a while can I ask if they've ever met her perhaps introduced as a friend or colleague instead? You could perhaps forgo the whole "coming out conversation" by just letting them know that you ahve someone in your life and you're very happy and your both very much in love and planning on spending your live together.....and her name's Sally (or whatever her name may be). That's how my mother told me about my Aunt being a lesbian when I was 11, explained we needed to get a her a moving in present for her new flat as she was moving in with a partner, when I asked his name she told me Mary. This all happeed in the middle of a shopping centre, it was very matter of fact and short and sweet. Would that method be something that you thin would go down well?
Oh, Banana, that's a good one. Have to remember that. And Vsgirl keep up the good work. Every little bit counts.
Thank you all, for putting in your thoughts. I appreciate it so much. What holds me back the most and what I fear the most is that I will somehow, hurt them (especially my parents). Even if I am not sure how they will react. I also feel not ready to handle a negative reaction, even though I think it won't be (so) bad. So I know all this rationally, yet my mind tricks me into panic every single time. I am also ready to really live my life the way I want to live it, the way it feels good for me. My parents have met my girlfriend 2 times already, so have my brother and my sister. I try to be as honest as I can be, when it comes to her. We're living a few hours apart and we don't get to see each other every week, but I am always open, letting them know I am going to visit her or when she is with me. I am talking about her, mentioning her. My girlfriend is convinced they have a hunch, I am not sure about my parents and sister, but I am quite sure my brother does.
