Hi, I'm Logan. I was born biologically female, but i've always identified as male. I've told none of my family or friends. I have always been an introvert, and don't enjoy attention. I have always felt alone and kind of lost especially now. I've never been really gender confused as much as frustrated, I've always been a boy, other people just don't know it. All through elementary school I hung out with boys. I had almost no girl friends and even when we used to play girls vs boys in kindergarten (a game that made absolutely no sense anyways) I was a spy for the boys team. One of my earliest memories of gender was when I was frustrated because the girls wouldn't chase me, so I confronted one girl on my bus who I was friends with and told her to chase me because I was actually on the boys team. The bus driver overheard and he gave me a look and said "You're a girl". This made me extremely angry, embarrassed, and depressed. When I was little, I would pray and pray and wonder when my penis would come. I was very uncomfortable with my genitals from an early age. I remember my grandmother told me to make a wish when we go into a new church and every time after that I prayed to become a boy. When my little sister came along I was grouped with her. I would have much rather been grouped with my brother, and still to this day I cringe when my mom calls us "the girls". This is probably one of the main reasons I do not get along with my sister. My earliest memory is a stone wall. This wall is the wall of the church we used to go to. I have always, since I was too little to know better, wanted to be a priest. That is not possible for me since I have the wrong body. When I was in fifth grade we had to pick a career, and like most of the other boys I chose to be a professional athlete. My computer teacher asked me what I wanted to be and I told him a football player. He was pretty accepting and told me that was cool. Middle school was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. Puberty was awful. Getting my breasts was unbearable. I became extremely depressed and angry, but I would not say anything really because I didn't want to have to go to therapy of something. My mom was not accepting at all. I was constantly fighting my mom over feminine things like shaving, which I refused to do. She forced me to go bra shopping with my grandmother because I refused to go with her. I now wear sports bras every day to conceal my breasts. Part of the reason I am writing this is because yesterday we had a sports banquet and my mom had bought me a dress without telling me. It was form fitting and short and completely humiliating and vulgar. After much shouting she made me go downstairs and parade around in front of my dad and younger brother. My dad is much more accepting than my mom, although I haven't come out, he accepts my masculinity. He told me to wear it to make my mom happy. After breaking down and crying because of frustration and flat out refusing to wear the dress my mom finally let me wear pants, but instead of my button down shirt she made me wear one of hers. I have never struggled with friends, or just being accepted by people. This is one of the reasons I have not come out. I don't really want to lose friends or have people look at me differently. The main reason, however, is my mom. Recently I have come up with the plan to join the Marine Corps after high school then attend college after my service and hopefully become a special agent for the FBI. I have above a 4.0 GPA, but I want to serve and give back. My parents do not know that plan either. Now, I am questioning that plan. I recently watched a video about Baliam Buschbaum, and want to have the surgeries. I want to make enough money to have the surgeries as soon as possible. I also do not want a high profile or government job where having these surgeries will draw attention to me. I now am not sure what I want to do in my life. I have not given up on the idea of joining the Corps, I just don't know what to do. I am mainly interested in history and criminal justice. Neither of those interests have very high paying jobs though. Until recently I had all but given up on a normal relationship. I would not date a guy, and I would not date a girl now because I am not a lesbian. After watching the video about Buschbaum, however, I am now hoping it is possible that I may be able to marry a woman after becoming a biological male. I'm shaking, haha. Well if you made it through, please help me. :help:
First of all, I have to say I am so proud of you for accepting yourself. You are a fine young man. If you are looking for a trans* friendly job, apply at Target. They have no discrimination and the managers go through pronoun training. You know those boob lift posture shaper things? They are perfect binders. Just put it on backwards. The back is meant to smooth your shoulder area of fat, and boobs are fat. Start asking your parents questions like "if you woke up in (opposite sex)'s body, you'd still be you, right? You'd still be a (insert gender)?" They will say yes. It's a start to make them understand. Start complimenting how masculine clothes "do wonders for my figure" and how tight dressed make you feel like a stuffed animal or something to that degree. It will take a long time. It will. But in the end, you will be so happy. Show pictures of Emma Watson with her hair short and ask your mom if she thinks that would look good on HER, no matter her answer, ask "we'll what about me?" Good luck. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 31st May 2014 at 09:26 PM ---------- Also, about the priest thing... There's an episode of the show Bones about a trans* woman who was a religious leader. Despite the episode name (the he in the she) it is a fairly good episode and would be encouraging for you. Opposite gender of the character, but still relatable.
haha in elementary school i was always a spy for the boys when we had "boy vs girl wars"! i didn't know anyone else had those games when they were young, too. we also had cats vs dogs wars, which somehow got so big our teachers had to put an end to it... :lol: but anyways welcome to EC! coming out to the people around you certainly seems daunting, and i wish you luck in the future. it's awesome that you've got careers in mind, and if i may offer one piece of advice: don't put your life on hold for a transition. keep working towards what you want, and maintaining your life, while transitioning. it'll be a slow process but worth it in the end, i think
