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Letters

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tyler h, Jun 2, 2014.

  1. tyler h

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    When I first heard about the idea of writing a letter to come out to one's parents, I thought that the idea seemed kind of absurd. I thought that everyone had to sit down together and talk it out. But, the more I read about letters, the better the idea seems. I don't want it to be impersonal, but I think it would help me not be so afraid. But, in the time between I leave a letter for my parents and the time it gets recognized would be agonizing for me.

    I guess I just want to know if letters work.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Whether they work or not depends entirely on what you think letters actually DO.

    I'll say one thing before I address that issue. The only way a letter is going to be impersonal is if someone else writes it for you. If you write it, and you write it from the heart, then it couldn't get more personal if you tried.

    Right, on to the letter in question.

    Letters 'work' because they have certain advantages over verbal communication:

    -You can organise your thoughts, write and rewrite them. You can say exactly what you need to say, exactly as it needs to say without having to worry about saying it wrong.

    -You can get your message across without the usual issues with difficult conversations. It's still scary to give the letter away, BUT it can be easier than facing someone.

    -All your points have been made BEFORE anyone else can respond. Nobody can interrupt you and upset you, because it's already written down.

    -It gives other people as long as they need to digest the content.

    -It gives other people a chance to read, react, analyse and hopefully accept without upsetting you are causing fights (sometimes).

    What it WON'T do, is negate the need for ANY conversation. You can't ask questions to a letter. You can't explain things people don't understand if you're not with them when they read it.

    There are things the letter won't do that you may well need to.

    Personally I'm a big advocate of the letter. I know my mum found it very helpful.
     
  3. Miiaaaaa

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    I definitely plan to use the letter!
     
  4. Hyaline

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    It totally worked for me. but my parents would have supported me no matter what. But this gave them a chance to have a more polished reaction rather than the jaw drop deer in the headlights look that we all kinda dread.

    It took my mom a few hours to find it and respond. I had left it for her at work on her computer and went to lunch, stayed busy all day and then left for a friend's house. I got home late to find a handwritten note from her saying she loved me no matter what. We talked about it a few days later.

    Oddly, I didn't keep a copy of the letter... In retrospect I should have. I'll have to ask my mom if she has a copy. Would be interesting to see what I wrote. I just know that I poured my heart out and left it for them to do with as they wished. Lucky for me, things went well...

    Take some time to find the things you want to say. Try to leave out things where you accuse them, even if they have said hurtful things in the past. The letter should be about you being honest with them about who you are and little more. Courage takes practice...

    Yes, those few hours were agonizing... But they were worth every bit of freedom to be myself after that and ever since...
     
  5. wandergirl

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    This is my favorite way of coming out, specially for people you are not sure how they are gonna react and you care a lot about.

    Don't be with them while they read the letter. let them read and take time to think about it and accept it. Maybe if you let them know about the letter at a time they can take their time, not like just before dinner.
    Also, think over and plan what u want to write. so you can make a draft before u write the best version of what you want to say.

    Say that their support would mean a lot to you and how you were struggling about accepting this yourself (or not). and that it isn't easy for u to be writing that letter.

    Good luck :kiss:
     
  6. Silver Sparrow

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    A letter doesn't take the place of the conversation, but it can definitely be a way to get the conversation started!
     
  7. AJ2014

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    i used a letter and it worked well for me
     
  8. doinitagain

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    tyler h
    I came out to my parents when I was 20 by telling them face to face. I got home late one night and they were both still up so I said to myself, I must do it now. I don't thing I was quite ready to come out. I felt that I was wrong, apologetic and not confident enough. They took it badly. Mum was in tears (what did I do wrong) and dad said I'm going to bed.
    That was in 1985! 29 years ago! I discovered this site a few months ago, and although I have been extremely happy with my partner of 26 years (and 8 years as civil partners) I only recently (a few weeks ago) wrote them a 'coming out letter' explaining what I went through growing up and to how hard it was coming out to them. This led to a lot of tears as 'they had no idea'.
    What I am trying to say to you is that you can get so much more across in a letter. You can take your time saying what you need to say/explain and they can take their time to read it and to understand it; and they can re-read as often as they need to.
    Believe it or not, it is only recently that I have noticed how much the world has moved on in the last 30 years. And from reading the threads on here I have suddenly become the confident self that I should have been when I was growing up! Not feeling that I was 'wrong' and a second class, unequal citizen!
    Of course, a letter is just the start, but at least it gets things off to a good starting point.
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    If I was doing it all over again I would definitely write a letter, for all the reasons already mentioned in this thread.
     
  10. wandergirl

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    @doinitagain
    Oh, it's interesting to see how much things have changed over the years. Yeah this forum makes a big difference in coming out.

    I've also realized that when you write, things are a lot clearer. You can say everything you want to say in the right words, without that stress of their reaction or misunderstanding. (in a personal example, telling people face to face might have led them to think i'm bisexual, not a lesbian. but well i think i'll get there)

    Write a letter as if it was an essay, trying to convince the reader of your argument. But of course don't forget to include your feelings and saying how much it would mean to you if they accept that. :slight_smile:
     
  11. doinitagain

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    Things certainly have changed!
    I have posted a few things about my history on here that will hopefully help some people. I haven't got around to writing up the latest yet but I will do at some point! Suffice to say that since my letter to my parents a few months ago I went through a difficult few months which ended with me having a very tearful afternoon with my parents. I just had to leave work and go and see them! A 48 year old in tears in front of his parents!
    I realised that it was all the fear and loneliness coming out that I had locked away as a child. Reading the stories on here brought back all of the fears that I had when I was 12 to around 20 when I came out.
    Don't get me wrong, after the initial parent problems when I came out all those years ago they have been fine and supportive and they adore my partner.
    It's just that time froze for about 30 years and everything came flooding back.
    The positive news is that I am feeling more confident about myself than ever after reading the inspiring support threads on here. I have never been happier since meeting my partner, that is when time froze for me!
     
  12. wandergirl

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    @doinitagain This will surely help! Specially since the advice and history comes from someone with, let's say, more experience. I guess it's different from me or other EC members who are still 'testing' the best methods of coming out.
    online messages have taken the written coming out to a different level. I am shy when it comes to this subject and typing is more relaxing than having to say it face to face with the fear of saying the wrong things or to hesitate on something.
    I guess if i had some kind of support i would have come out earlier, at age 12, 13, instead of denying and trying to erase these feelings from my mind. but still at age 23 it seems hard to tell some people.

    That's so cute what you said about your partner :kiss: