Are any of you currently going through this or did anyone else experience this? What I mean by grieving is that I am really coming to the realization that I am gay and it has been hard to accept and has just hit me like a brick. Tonight it really hit me and I found myself thinking "why couldn't I have just been born straight?" It is so frustrating because I would never look down on someone else because of their sexuality but it feels hard to accept the same thing in myself. I feel seriously depressed over it as it has just been hitting me all at once. If anyone has been through this, how did you get through it? Any advice?
Yeah, I've been going through this, Before I found out I was gay, I tried to convince myself that I was an aromantic asexual. My parents constantly teased me and called me lesbian because I've never been into men, and I couldn't stand the thought of them being right. Plus, I'm way too picky. I can't fall in love with a woman I'm not besties with, and I'm a loner, so I know I won't be able to date anyone. I feel in love with my best friend. I've known her for almost 4 years and I've liked her "that way" for 1 1/2. She lives on the other side of the country and I've never met her in person (please don't dog me about it, shit happens when you're sheltered). I recently told her about it, and I'm now trying to cope with the rejection. At this point, I don't know why I call myself a lesbian anymore. I'm never be in a relationship, so it doesn't make a difference who I like.
I'm the same way. I think it's OK for someone else to be gay, but I can't because I'm a messed up fuck. I'm not "special" like they are. Mentally ill and weird, but not "special."
I'm kinda still going through this. Its easy to say its okay when its someone else. You don't have to concern yourself with it much and once you've said your piece, you're done with it. Not so when it is your own sexuality. For me, I've found doing research about it helps. Since my issue centers around Christianity, I've spent a lot of time looking into homosexuality and the bible. Depending on what concerns you the most, you could try researching that so you can use logic to calm you mind. Taking a break from everything helps too sometimes. Some nights I either just play a favorite video game or watch a movie. The only other thing I can think of is finding someone you can talk to and trust not to spread what you said around. For me, it was a school counselor and eventually the president of my school's gay straight alliance.
Which part of straight life are you grieving? If it's to do with having a family and kids one day, that's not a door that closed to you any more. It's actually a lot easier for gay women than it is for gay men to have kids. Also, from an outsider's point of view, gay women tend to come together into long term relationships a lot easier than for gay men, and in a lot of cases- easier than straight people too. Peace be with you.
I went through this. When I realized I was gay I tried to lie to myself and tell myself I was bi, and I was quite depressed for a while. This may not be the most mentally healthy advice, but... For me, the depression turned to anger over the years. Because, as you realize, your sexual orientation doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to anyone else. The only difference is you have a smaller dating pool, but whatever. The reason you're unhappy with it isn't because of you or actually being gay, but it's because of the world around you that you were raised in. You don't wish you were born straight because you want to have a penis inside you, you want to be straight to avoid the discrimination and possible harassment that you have to deal with. As Americans, we are literally discriminated against by our government with not having the right to marry on a national level. Hell, less than half the states allow you to marry. And the government's discrimination isn't even at the top of the list. You hear rare, and frightening, stories of gay people being assaulted, sometimes killed. You hear rare stories of gay kids taking their own lives, and you get depressed because you know it was someone going through the same thing as you, that finally lost hope. So don't be upset that you're gay. Be angry that you ever felt this way, and that ~40% of an ignorant society thinks you've a different value as a person because of how you were born; because of a roll of a die. That's as idiotic as hating someone because they picked the short straw from the pile. Because the somewhat unlikely chance you were born gay, a CHANCE, something you had no control over, you're viewed unfavorably by these people. You did nothing wrong, you're PERFECT the way you are. But, some people don't realize that, and you have to unfairly face their hatred. Don't be depressed, feel anger that these people took something that didn't matter, and made it negatively affect your life.
Closeted17, that actually helps me more than you know. I remember reading a post like this awhile back as well saying the same thing. Can't remember if it was you or not. Be angry at the world for having such a negative attitude toward being gay rather than being angry at myself. That's definitely a much better way to look at it. Because if the world wasn't this way, I wouldn't have to feel this way about being gay. Thank you thank you thank you, I will remember that. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2014 at 04:36 AM ---------- And to everyone else, thank you as well, you bring up a lot of good points.
You know, the bottom line is... it's just hard for a while. Any time anyone experiences a loss, there are five stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance), and the "why couldn't I be born straight" is the very, very common anger response of someone starting that process. The stages aren't necessarily sequential, and it sounds like you're experiencing pieces of all of the stages. It's also pretty common that at some point, it sort of just hits you, and a lot of people do describe it as knocking you down like a ton of bricks. It sucks. And the depression (grief) is basically the last stage before acceptance so you seem to be processing things pretty well. As difficult as it is to be hit with it abruptly (as you have) rather than through a slow awakening process, there are some benefits to that... it's often easier to move through quickly when it happens as it did to you, which means that, though it really sucks in the moment, the time until you're through it is usually a lot quicker than it is for many people. The important thing is to talk about it, exactly as you're doing. It's the shame -- the feeling that you won't be lovable, your family/friends will reject you, and that you don't belong -- that causes the responses, and the more you talk about it, and talk to others who have experienced what you're experiencing, the more you eliminate the shame. And Closeted17 makes a great point: it's simply because we're made to feel like we don't belong, by society, that we feel the shame that makes us angry. So if we can, instead, recognize that, then the anger (and the rest of the hurt feelings) fade more quickly.
Thanks so much Chip. You always have helpful things to say on these sort of issues. The good news is that I've been coming out to more and more people and I don't feel as embarrassed/nervous to do it. And in every instance, the friend that I'm coming out to has had a positive reaction, and usually even a "I already knew this long ago" reaction, which is very validating for me in accepting things. I can't wait to get through all of this grieving stuff and just accept it. I know I'll be coming out to people my whole life, but once I get through this grieving thing I think I'll be all good.
