Hi everyone, I've come here tonight as I have no one I can talk to about this and it's eating away at me. I'm literally losing sleep and can't think about anything else. I'm in my early 30s, in a hetero relationship, and I'm a mum. The thing is, I really like women. A lot. I always have. When I was 12 I distinctly remember coming to the realization that I wasn't like other girls, but instead of embracing it, I pushed it down and moved on with life. A series of failed relationships with men followed into adulthood, as I always held resentment for the men I was with. I always chose horrible partners. Maybe subconsciously so the relationships would end. I've been with my partner for a long time now and we have children. I am so unhappy, and not in the normal housewifey way. The thought of sex with him repulses me and it always has to some degree. Not just him. All men. I don't get that feeling in my stomach when I look at him. I just feel dead. When I look at an attractive woman, I get butterflies in my stomach. I have been with women before and actually had a relationship with a girl when I was 17. It ended because an older gay woman told me I wasn't a real lesbian and it made me feel stupid and so I pushed those feelings down again. I can't do this anymore. I'm terrified of living a life of unhappiness, dying unhappy. I don't want to hurt my family, but I want to be able to be honest with myself too. I could go the rest of my life without ever touching another man, very happily. Does it seem as though I am a lesbian? I feel like I might be. It makes me cry when I think of spending my life with a man. It absolutely terrifies me, like I am living a lie.
I've seen some people in this site who are married in hetero relationships with children etc and then discovered they were gay, it's not that strange. I'm 18 so I don't have much advice to offer... Have you discussed anything with your husband? Does he know about this relationship you had with a girl?
Hey, thanks for your reply! I haven't discussed it with my partner, I'm certain it would split us up immediately, as he is prone to getting mad and not listening. I just don't feel confident enough to. He's tolerant of homosexuality, but he doesn't exactly embrace it. I've tried many times to discuss with him the lack of "sexual attraction" for me but he doesn't really want to talk about it, which I guess is fair enough :-/ **edit: Yes he knows about the girl but yes always laughed it off as a teenage thing that I did.
You sound so like me. I have been married twice and had the same feelings as you for years. I kept it pushed down and tried my best to live a heterosexual life. It didn't work, those feelings were there and I couldn't hold them down any longer. I became depressed and I was turning into a person I didn't like. I had no sexual urges for my husband, I even thought I had maybe a hormonal problem had tests and they all came back clear. I am now 41 and a single mum of 4. I am now discovering myself again and opening up to who I really am. I had my first real lesbian full sexual experience a few weeks back and it was wonderful, it felt so natural to me. I was thinking afterwards about how society is so against such a natural and beautiful thing. I am still too scared to come out as my family are bigots and would make my life very hard to openly be who I am. Its a real shame! The lady that I have become close to understands that but I am still scared about truly living an openly gay life so I have pushed her away. This is sad but I suppose it all happened too quickly and I panicked. I am happy now that I am free to discover my true self, happy that I have that space, and that I am no longer living under the pretence that was slowly killing me inside. xxx
Wow, that does sound a lot like me. I don't have a lot of family to discuss things with, but my brother knows how I am feeling, and is very supportive of me. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents so in a way it's easier as I will never really have to tell them. I don't really want to waste anyone's time, especially my partners, it's cruel to him. My brother thinks I should be with a woman again before deciding to leave my partner. He wants me to come and stay in his city for a few days and take me out on the town, he's said he will come with me to a LBGT bar/club, and have a night "out". In a way, I'd really like to do that, but I have never been unfaithful to my partner, despite the lack of sexual attraction there. I am honestly terrified of hurting him. We've had a tumultuous relationship as it is. I have had a very good think about things overnight and I am becoming more used to the idea that I may be a lesbian. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I am. I don't feel ready to discuss this with my partner as I am just really coming to terms with these feelings myself. This is really hard!!! Thank you for your kind words though, it feels nice knowing I am not a freak or the only one who has gone through this, especially being out of my 20's. (*hug*)
