Hi. I first want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and offer any advice. I hope that perhaps my story will help someone going forward. I am gay and have recently (within the past 7 months) come to some sort of acceptance for myself. I have a history that I haven't ever told anyone in its entirety, but rather in small pieces to friends and family that I trust. It has come to my attention that the people I have surrounded myself with are incapable of helping me. I don't hold this against them, but I have come to Empty Closets as a way to seek answers from people who have had similar experiences in life. First off, I grew up in the American South were bigotry and ignorance are widely accepted. I have always had an attraction to members of the same sex, but was never able to speak to anyone about it. I spent most of my teenage years trying to conform to what this society asked of me; which was be straight, don't question anything, and love god. When I was ten years old, my grandfather began molesting me, which stopped only when I told my parents at 12 years old. He shared with me many stories of his past which were incredibly disturbing. He was beaten, raped, and abused. for many years. This first "coming out" shattered my family and from then on I felt completely isolated. My family had no idea what to do for me as I grew up. after having gone through the justice system, my family witness as I became some what of a recluse. I was made to sit in front of my grandfather in court and here all the allegations read aloud to him. It was the most traumatizing and humiliating day of my life. An important thing to understand as you read this is I was never explained the difference between homosexuality and pedophilia. I grew up with a synonymous understanding for the two.I denied to myself for years that I was gay and even dating girls for many years. I started dating a girl while in high school. at the time, I didn't recognize the difference between genuinely caring for someone and being physically attracted to them. I genuinely cared for this girl but was not attracted to her. I was shocked to hear that she had been raped by her mother's drug dealer. I tried to help her through her troubles but was not equipped in anyway to deal with what she was going through. I from a young age had seen some really sad and confusing things that I had no way of understanding, because there was no one I could talk to.
(*hug*) Wow, that is a ton of emotional baggage for a young person to deal with. Talking about your situation with people that understand will help. I suspect that coming out to your family isn't really an option. They might end up blaming your grandfather for you being gay. I can totally see how irrationally they'd come to that decision. This is something you might want to see therapy for. Certainly starting here will help. Just venting is a great start. Feel free to vent as much as you wish. There are some great people here that can offer insight into what you are going through. As for who you are it sounds like you have come to the realization that you are gay on your own. Which is a huge step if you are. My worry is that it might be possible that you're mixing up events from your childhood with your adult life. Though from reading what you wrote, you don't sound like you are confused. But maybe just detached from it. My other question pertains to your "coming out". Have you told anyone you are gay? The assumption that they would assume so based on the past events with your grandfather are certainly not evidence enough to prove it one way or the other. Obviously you've admitted it to yourself, but have you admitted to anyone else? (Well, ok, besides us here on EC..) As for being depressed, if you have no history of depression in your family, its likely the weight on your shoulders of all the bad things that have happened in your life. You might need to find a way to deal with them. Meeting new people can help with that. People that you can be honest with and share your story. The truth is, none of the things that happened were your fault and working towards a happier life will take time. The trick here will be taking a baby step each day and working towards a happier you. The south can be a rough place for our GLBT+ community. Maybe finding yourself might be easier in some place a bit more accepting? Only you'd know if moving is something that you could do. (I would have trouble moving from where I live because of my family, so I'd get why it would be tough). We are here if you need us!! Sending you a big hug. Be brave...
