Hi. I first want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and offer any advice. I hope that perhaps my story will help someone going forward. I am a 20 year old gay male and have recently (within the past 7 months) come to some sort of acceptance for myself. I have a history that I haven't ever told anyone in its entirety, but rather in small pieces to friends and family that I trust. It has come to my attention that the people I have surrounded myself with are incapable of helping me. I don't hold this against them, but I have come to Empty Closets as a way to seek answers from people who have had similar experiences in life. First off, I grew up in the American South were bigotry and ignorance are widely accepted. I have always had an attraction to members of the same sex, but was never able to speak to anyone about it. I spent most of my teenage years trying to conform to what this society asked of me; which was be straight, don't question anything, and love god. when I was a little kid I had crushes on boys I went to school with which until I was old enough to realize that it was not socially acceptable, I thought it was perfectly normal, ironically! When I was ten years old, my grandfather began molesting me, which stopped only when I told my parents at 12 years old. He shared with me many stories of his past which were incredibly disturbing. He was beaten, raped, and abused for many years. All I wanted to do was help him, which of course was the naivety of a child, but he took advantage of the compassionate person that I was. This whole ordeal shattered my family and from then on I felt completely isolated. My family had no idea what to do for me as I grew up other than to put me into counseling. after having gone through the justice system, my family witness as I became some what of a recluse. I was made to sit in front of my grandfather in court and hear all the allegations read aloud to him. It was the most traumatizing and humiliating day of my life. An important thing to understand as you read this is that I was never explained the difference between homosexuality and pedophilia. I grew up with a synonymous understanding for the two. The society I grew up in had very little knowledge of either one, and it was very taboo to even speak of it. I denied to myself for years that I was gay and even dated girls for many years. I started dating a girl while in high school. at the time, I didn't recognize the difference between genuinely caring for someone and being physically attracted to them. I genuinely cared for this girl but was not attracted to her. I was shocked to hear that she had been raped by her mother's drug dealer. I tried to help her through her troubles but was not equipped in anyway to deal with what she was going through. I from a young age had seen some really sad and confusing things that I had no way of understanding, because there was no one I could talk to. Later on in high school, I started working. I worked really, really hard. I got a full-ride scholarship to go to culinary school. When I got to school, I was coming to terms with my sexuality and the people that I met at school I shared with them that I was bisexual, and questioning. My new friends didn't care much and were supportive. I chose to go to school in the North where things are much more down-to-earth and the people are accepting and informed in general. One of these friends, who was a girl became increasingly concerned with me or so I thought. She wanted to help me through my problems. she was someone I could talk to. Finally, someone I could talk to. I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me. I was incredibly hesitant but she insisted we start dating. I didn't want to hurt her and lose a friend if things didn't work out. This was after a year of having known one another. I eventually asked her out on a date, and things were really happy for a few months. a fake happy but happy nonetheless. I eventually moved to New York City for an internship and we were separated for a few months. I had done a lot of soul searching during this time, and while I really cared for her, I no longer felt as strongly as I didn't for her before. when she came to visit, we had a long talk and decided to end things. This was heart breaking. I felt so terrible about it. It was after this that I started asking myself if I could be gay. I hadn't asked myself this ever and seriously examined whether or not I am! and as soon as I did, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head. DUh, how could you not realize this as an adult! I had denied being gay for so long that it no longer was reality in my life. My parents and family are incredibly supportive of me, and this help me greatly during this time. 7 months down the line, I am back at school and things are totally different, and while I can recognize the benefits of being truly open with myself, I have fallen into a depression. I feel as if I don't know myself anymore, and that my past continues to haunt me. I want to start exploring my options in the gay community but after my last break up I am not sure I am ready to think about dating. I am also very bitter at times. I feel as if none of my friends could truly ever understand me and that I am not valued as much as I value them. I am insecure to say the least and was hoping to gain some advice as to how to move forward. I just want to be happy in life and to let my past go. Thank You.
You are only twenty years old, yet you have been through more pain and emotional turmoil than many people will experience in a lifetime. That you feel depressed, is hardly surprising, but it may not be entirely (or even partially) connected to you coming out. Try to bear that in mind. There is so much back history on your roller coaster journey and it could well be a combination of everything you have experienced going back a number of years that has brought you to this low point. There are so many different strands to your story and it must feel like a huge, tightly packed snowball that has gained momentum. At times you have been very much alone with all of it and I suspect you might well feel like that right now. I'm wondering if you have ever consulted a counsellor/therapist to try to deal with some of the strands of distress that are significant? I'll not pretend that it will be easy or pain free, but if you think about it, the pain of doing nothing will be no less. How would you feel about some sort of therapy? Towards the beginning of you posting you said you have "sort of" reached a point of self acceptance. What exactly does "sort of" mean? It sounds like there is a lingering doubt. You are a valuable person with real feelings and emotions that have been incredibly damaged. If you are insecure, there's no bloody wonder.. you have more right than most to feel that way. Be strong, don't lose hope and lean on us for support and thank you for being so brave to share all of this with us. I hope the perspective of some other members will help. (*hug*)
Welcome to EC. While you say you have reached a point of self-acceptance and flag yourself as gay, you have not said anything about coming out to your current friends or family as gay, only to some previous friends as bisexual. If this is the case, it will be harder for you to make gay contacts, and for your current friends or family to help you in that regard. Are you "out" now, and to whom are you out? Just because you come out doesn't mean you have to delve deeply into your past with new friends, particularly about things that happened to you as a young child. Do you think that it is your past that is causing you to be depressed, or the fact that you do not currently have a good circle of friends to enjoy your life with? The answer to that question may be an indication of what you need to work on to put yourself into a happier place. If you feel like you need to talk about the events of your early childhood, that might best be done with a counselor who specializes in child abuse cases, who is in a better position to help you work yourself free from demons from your past. You certainly should feel no residual blame for being abused by a family elder; that has nothing to do with your sexuality, and certainly was not your fault, but might have something to do with your depression if you find yourself dwelling on it in your thoughts.
Linco and Yossarian- Thank you for your response. I know much of what I am feeling isn't about being gay, but more so the experiences of my childhood and me coming to a full-circle understanding for how I felt at the time. I for a few years felt that I had moved on from my past, but the past several months of my life have proved too much for me to remain as optimistic about as I have been in the past. I think I am bitter because of how my childhood has negatively impacted my life. The "Sort of" acceptance refers to how I am still very insecure as a person. accepting myself for who I am and what I have been through. I have accepted that I am gay, there is no question here, and my friends and family all know. trusting people is incredibly difficult for me, and it has become so hard that I have had difficulty making friends or even getting close to anyone because of it. I have seen counselors for a lot of issues in my life and I am open to seeing one again if need be. My family is really not an issue currently as they love me regardless of if I am gay or not, but there is so much emotional baggage that I have opened with them recently that has allowed them to better understand me, but has left me tired and feeling down. I don't know how to lift myself out of it. Thanks again for your feedback
