Feeling lonely and depressed!

Hi, and welcome.

You're definitely in the right place, and your experience isn't uncommon.

One of the biggest issues associated with being gay and closeted is the shame involved. Shame is the deeply held fear that we're not worthy of love and connection. In short, that if people knew "the real you", they would reject you and not want to be around you. It's something all of us have, but LGBT people in particular have a lot of it from internalized homophobia.

So in your case, the shame is temporarily numbed by hooking up with the escort. And part of you realizes that what you have with the escort isn't authentic love and caring, but bought-and-paid-for love, which ultimately increases the shame you have (and, therefore, the sense that no one will really love you if they know who you really are.)

So first, take a deep breath and recognize that what you're feeling is completely normal. Second... and this may not be fun to hear... for where you are, going out to the bars probably isn't productive, because almost nobody at the bars and clubs is genuinely looking for relationships. Some may think they are, but in general, those are places for hookups, and the people frequenting them generally have difficulty sustaining relationships... again because of shame.

So one of the first things you can do is to start thinking about loving and accepting yourself as a gay man. You can't love anyone else fully until you can love yourself. Part of that process is talking about the shame... which you're doing by starting this thread. Another part is connecting with other gay people. Again, you can start that online here at EC by reading, commenting, and communicating with other gay men here in a safe, protected environment.

Then, beginning to connect yourself with gay men in your area is the next step. And a better way to do that than going to clubs and bars is to find healthier environments in which to meet. I often recommend meetup.com and it's particularly good in San Francisco because there are lots of gay meetup groups in all sorts of interest areas... if you like hiking, tennis, potlucks, board game nights, going to movies, concerts, or plays, there are typically meetup groups in all of those subject areas for gay men. One key is to think of it in terms of just cultivating friends rather than looking for dates or hookups.

One other idea: Sacramento Pride is coming up next weekend (Saturday 6/14). It's a much smaller event than San Francisco, and if you're feeling closeted and unsure, it could be a safe way to dip your toes in... you won't likely run into anyone you know (unlike SF Pride, which is enormous and can feel like a big orgy sometimes) and yet you can immerse yourself in an environment with a bunch of other gay people.

I also know of some workshops and other activities that will be coming up in the SF/Sacramento area that could be helpful, so feel free to PM me if that's of interest.

Finally, I always recommend that people in the early stages of coming out check out the work of Brené Brown, an amazing, intelligent, down-to-earth and funny researcher who talks about how shame affects us, and the things that "get in the way" of connecting to others. Here are two videos that are definitely worth your time:

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I hope you find the above helpful and I hope you'll stick around!