I just replied to someone's thread that inspired me to sort of share my story. It is sort of long-winded. But I just feel like I need to share/get something off my chest. This is mainly to do with family so I thought it most appropriate for the Family, Friends & Relationships forum. If it should go elsewhere definitely let me know. A bit of background on myself: I was born into and raised in a fairly strict Christian family. My childhood was filled with going to "church" meetings three times a week, doing lots of home Bible study and knocking on your door every Saturday. You can probably guess which faith I'm from, haha. That's not to say I was unhappy. Far be it. I had a great childhood. Two very loving and devoted parents and younger siblings to boss around. I was a happy kid. I always thought that the first crush I had on a woman was when I became obsessed with Angelina Jolie when I was twelve. Which lead to my verbal (to myself) realisation that I was attracted to women. But recently I've been thinking more on things I did and fantasised about as a kid and I realise I was sexually aware at quite a young age and the first woman I couldn't stop thinking about was actually my best friends aunt when I was around nine. Not that it really matters I suppose. I'm almost twenty two now. I've spent...since I became sexually aware, single. Obviously this is mainly due to my family's religious beliefs. Of which I do not hold against my family members personally. But, yes, if it weren't for our faith I would like to think I'd be very out right now. I haven't had anything sexually or romantically to do with a male yet either as I was brought up with the whole 'no sex before marriage thing' (not that I particularly want to be with a man though). Having the intense romantic and sexual feelings I have when I think and fantasise about women or when I'm around a gorgeous woman and I don't feel comfortable enough to act on such feelings for fear of my family finding out and cutting communication with me (which does happen in our faith) just plain out sucks. I'm not a particularly social person either. In fact, I'm quite the introvert. Since I left high school about four years ago my social circle has depleted to a pending one person. I'm a bit of a champ at driving people away or just plain out not bothering to stay in contact with people. So I don't really have many I could talk to about my sexuality (especially considering they're all of the same faith as my family). My parents separated two and a half years ago. I had already slowly started to separate myself from my faith before that happened. Started associating myself and my belief system with existentialism. I also moved from the country with my mother to live with my father in the city. This lasted not even 10 months and due to work, health and a lot of stress I am now back home with my deeply religious mother (my father believes but is not practicing anymore) and am now back into the religious swing of things again. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I think I was just in such a bad place when I was in the city and missed my mother so much that I wanted things to be simple again. So, here I am. My head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I mean, I know who I am and what I believe. But I'm just not able to start living freely according to my own beliefs and values and to love who I want until I'm able to financially support myself. I am working hard towards this goal. It is hard because due to my religious upbringing I feel like I'm having a constant existential crisis. There is mental illness in our family as well which can make certain days extremely difficult to even get out of bed. As I mature I am becoming more accepting of life. I am using patience more and more every day. My trials are certainly not the worst of them. But they are all I know and they can feel pretty heavy sometimes. However, I have a dream of where I want to be in five years time and I'm going to work my butt off to get there. I want to keep my family and I hope they want to keep me too because I love them more than anything. But I am getting closer to the age where I want to have a relationship and later on my own family. I need to love and feel comfortable with the person I do that with and know that I'm raising my children honestly. So there's my story so far. Take it or leave it. I'm not really asking for advice. Rather I'm giving advice to a lot of you perhaps in a similar situation. Be patient with life, yourself, your family. If you know who you are but can't be that person yet, make plans to do so in a mature and tactful manner and stick to those plans. If you're still sort of unsure, don't sweat it. Give yourself time, breathe and allow yourself to figure things out as you mature. ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 03:12 AM ---------- Haha, wow, just realised I posted this in the Coming Out forum. *face palm* I do apologise.
Great post! Hope it works out I totally understand the feeling of being disowned by family and hence not being open with them. Definitely build your own support network outside of your family. C
