So I've decided after being friends with someone (met through work) for a long while, I like them and trust them enough to come out to them. I don't usually think coming out is necessary, it's not anybody's business that I am attracted to other men, and I don't tell most people I meet or know (though most family and few close friends do know - but we never discuss it); however this friend means a lot to me so I want to tell him about myself, but I am just so terrified. here's why: I don't know how he will react. If he reacts badly, what do I do/say to him? How does one prepare for the possibility of a negative reaction? I get worried the moment will become awkward in some way or uncomfortable. I am worried sick, yes sick that things might change because of my coming out, even if he accepts me he might change how he is with me somehow. I'm also worried that he will think I want him (yes, he's very good looking but I know he's straight and I respect that!). We've agreed to "talk" - since I've told him over the phone I'd like to meet up in a couple of weeks time (when he gets back from his holiday) and tell him something I need to talk about that is bothering me and causing me stress (keeping this from him and constantly lying to him). All the possible scenarios have been making me slightly distressed at their possibilities and have actually made me somewhat depressed ! We will be meeting up in my car and going somewhere quiet and that's when I intend on telling him. It's odd you know, because I have come out before to my parents and friends in the past (quite a few years ago now) but it's like I haven't done it in so long time and also because this person means so much to me that I am so frightened and worried sick about it. He comes from a very socially conservative country as well, maybe it's because of the very real possibility of rejection/bad reaction/changes that is scaring me. So does anyone have any general advice on how I should go about a bad reaction and also does anyone know how I can start this conversation off? It's been a long while since I last came out and it was always with people I was almost certain would be ok about it. This is different. Also, does anyone know if there's any way of perhaps telling someone that you are "gay" without having to actually use that word when telling them? Many thanks everyone for reading this. this is a brilliant website and I love you all, LGBT brothers and sisters(&&&)
Just tell him that you have never been attracted to any of the women you have met and dated and feel more comfortable and less tense hanging around other guys, and you want to know if that is OK with him. If he says yes, which he probably will, then just let it go at that. He will probably figure out what you mean, but have not actually said. From there you have to see where the conversation goes. IF he asks you if you are gay, you can counter with "What do you think? Would you hate me if I am". He will probably not even ask unless he is comfortable with it, but once the news is out, you will have to just see how he reacts and go with the flow. In the end, it is not so much how you say as what he feels about you as a person, and there is not a whole lot you can do about that.
Yossarian I have private messaged you ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 03:10 AM ---------- Oh I just realised it won't let me send it. I copied and pasted it: To say that the feeling of fear whenever I think about this is so strong and intense, is an understatement. I know that I don't have to come out, but I think I would like to do so to people who are important to me and whose friendships I value. There's been a few times I have almost said it, but I got a lump in my throat, my hands literally started to shake and I got that horrible feeling in my stomach of absolute fear and dread, you know that feeling in the pit of your stomach feeling, and I just couldn't do it. We've arranged to "talk", so there is no going back now. I am terrified so much it's beyond belief, I am in tears as I write this to you because I am ever so frightened. You know what I am also worried about? That he will be awkward around me, you know how many people just think that gay men are sex-crazed perverts? He might not react badly, just because he is from a socially conservative country - maybe he is not individually prejudiced, he is a lovely person (hence how he is my friend, afterall ) but I need to know what to do if he does react negatively. What should I say if he says, "Why are you telling me?" as I would feel ever so stupid. Yossarian, I am scared, I am just so so scared and need as much help and advice as I can get. Thank you for being here for me, I cannot tell you how much it is appreciated (*hug*)
Fear can be an immobilizing thing. I tend to think of fear as two different kinds of reactions. One is a justified fear, because there is real danger awaiting some action you initiate, and the other is an overblown, overthought, irrational kind of fear which you sort of talk yourself into without being reasonable about the actual danger of negative results. Each person is an individual. They get exposed to a culture which might try to teach them to react or believe in a certain way that causes them to be prejudiced towards homosexuals. They might be involved in a religion in that culture which exaggerates the importance of being homosexual, or tell them to be intolerant towards homosexuals. That does not mean that every person exposed to those beliefs will adopt the kind of negative behavior or opinions which are common in that culture. You know your friend in a personal way. He is apparently comfortable with you and likes you. If he sees you all shaken up and nervous, perhaps even crying, when you tell him about yourself, if he has any normal human reactions, he is going to know how important this is to you and how much you would have to trust him to tell him this truth about yourself. If he is the friend you feel he is, this is going to come out OK and most of these things you have imagined are all in your head, which means this is the 2nd kind of fear, an irrational emotion you have worked yourself up into because you care for him so much. So my friend, all I can give you as advice is to put a smile on your face, sit down close to your friend, touch his hand or arm or shoulder casually if you are comfortable with that and think he will be too, and tell him that you really appreciate him being your friend, because you are not attracted to women in general, and you would be very lonely without him in your life to talk to and do things with. That you know he has a girl friend who takes up a lot of his time, so you appreciate the time he spares to spend with you. But you feel like you have not been as fully trusting yourself as a friend should be, because you have not told him why you don't also have a girl friend like he does, and are never going to have a girl friend as he does, because you aren't wired that way, and you want him to know it and to hear it from you instead of somebody else. At this point he is probably going to say something like "I know", or "I figured you were gay, and it's OK", or something like that. If you are trembling or crying at this point, he may hug you if you are in reaching range, or just say something to try and cheer you up. I doubt seriously that he would do anything negative or rash based on what you have said to me. He will probably ask some questions like "How long have you known", or maybe even if you are feeling something for him. You will just have to go with the flow of the conversation based on what he says. At some point in the conversation, you should mention that, if he is wondering, you view him as your buddy and friend and not in any sexual sort of way, so there is no reason for him to be concerned that you are trying to hit on him because you know he is straight and always will be and will never cause him any awkward moments with his girl friend. You can also laughingly add that now he should know that you are also never going to hit on his girl friend either. If you have picked the right spot to tell him, and have gone somewhere private where he can also be candid in his response, he is likely to just act more or less as he normally does. You can then calm down and go get something to eat or take him where he needs to go. I doubt if anything more than that is going to happen at the moment. He may need a few days to think about what you told him about yourself before he fully relaxes, but just act normally and like this is no big thing and let him take whatever time he needs to digest the information; it probably will not take him long and probably nothing major will change about your relationship to him, because it really isn't a big deal and is all about you, not him, when you think about it. Hope it goes smoothly for you, but remember, "Fear is the mind killer"; don't let it get to you.
