I realize it's a bit late now, having already come out to one person. I'm trying to stay confident that I'm doing the right thing in coming out. But there is still part of me that wants to run back into the dark and bury my head in the sand. I'm really not sure if that is just because I'm afraid of a homophobic world, or I'm too hung up on what other people will think of me. I also keep thinking that maybe some childhood trauma is responsible for me being gay. One thing, I remember finding out the mechanics of sex in the 3rd grade, and I was horrified and disgusted by it. In retrospect, I'm sure I was just not ready to find out about it at that age. I don't remember when I got over that, but it must have been a long time ago, it hasn't been something that I've thought about in the last 10+ years. So maybe that is just ancient history, yet I can't help thinking if I had talked to someone about it back then, that maybe things would be different now. I don't really doubt my attraction to men, I guess I'm struggling with "why me?" Thanks again for listening, Michael
There is nothing saying that you have to come out now, so it's perfectly reasonable to slow up on the coming-out front. You have the rest of your life to come out, so I wouldn't stress about it too much at the moment. Of course, it makes getting into a relationship harder, but you should wait until you're comfortable before coming out, and examine your reasons for wanting to do so first. You can't un-come out, so it's careful to only do it once you're sure. It's not running back into the closet - it's just trying to be more aware and sure of yourself first. As regards childhood experiences or trauma making you gay - I don't think it works like that. Trauma I think can make you wary of sex or the opposite or same sex or whatever, but it can't make you attracted to the same sex. With regards what you write about hearing about the mechanics of sex when young - when I heard about what sex was, at age about 7, I was disgusted as boys were so eeeewww how could anyone do that? However, when I did get a boyfriend, my feelings had changed, and I no longer felt that way. So what I mean is - I think your reaction at hearing about sex at an age when boys and girls still don't like each other is actually quite normal. I think that plenty of straight men and women would have been grossed out by knowing what sex was when they were young - boys and girls just don't tend to like each other at that age! And it is, I think at least, irrelevant to you now. What's important is how you feel about these things now. But don't worry if you feel you need to slow your coming out. So many of us have been there, and are there, that we realise that sometimes it just needs to be done .
Just keep this in mind. I have yet to run into somebody who, a couple years or more down the line, has told me, "I wish I had stayed in the closet." A few regret HOW they came out, and a few aren't happy with some of the reactions they got, but none of them wish they were back in. However, I know plenty of people who say, "I wish I had come out sooner." I'll also throw in my standard comment that life kicks ass over here. So I hope to see you here soon. Lex
Hi Michael, All of the evidence points to the fact that homosexuality has biological/genetic origins. In other words, there isn’t some trigger experience in childhood that makes us gay, straight, or bisexual. It’s certainly normal to have doubts about coming out, and to search in our past for things that might have influenced our current sexual orientation. Many of us (myself included) discover that there were indicators of our sexual orientation long before we were ready to arrive at the conclusion that “Yup, I’m gay.” That discovery can be an overwhelming experience and takes some getting used to. If you’re asking the “Why me?” question, you’re obviously not yet comfortable with the idea of being gay. Chances are that you perceive homosexuality as having more negatives than positives and that you will be facing many new challenges that you might not have to deal with if you were hetero. Rest assured, being gay has just as many positives, maybe more than you can imagine right now. Yes, there will be more challenges but the adversity will keep you on your toes and make you a stronger person, more tolerant, well-rounded, and more diverse than your straight counterparts. Coming out is not a race. You can take your time, picking and choosing the right opportunities. But every time you come out to a relative or friend, you become more at ease with yourself, no more charades, watching what you say, and being able to express your emotions honestly. Moreover, it’s a great feeling to have others accept you the way you are. Staying in the closet hides an important part of you and can be a tiresome burden. Take it at your own pace. Good luck. I’ve never asked the question, “Why me?”. I lament the fact that I didn’t discover my homosexuality much sooner, like at 22. Consider yourself lucky. I envy the great times you have ahead of you.
Hi there! As the other members have said, there is no rush in coming out to others. Take your time. Having come out to one person, is amazing. You have taken the first step. But remember that you don't have to continue coming out to others until you feel ready. It is possible that for now this is as far as you can go. But that is okay. As you become more comfortable with yourself, you will become more confident in coming out to others. Part of your fears are connected to internal homophobia. Although there is a part that perhaps wants to explore the new you, there is another part that says, not so fast and that is rebelling against it. This is where your own fears about what happens next come in, your ideas about how you see yourself, how you fit in now, and whether you are doing the right thing come in. You are changing things with which you grew comfortable with and previously accepted them. It will take some time to get used to it. Rest assured you will get there. With time, and as you allow yourself to explore your feelings and get to know the new you, these feelings will subside. It seems that you are still trying to accept yourself fully and it can take some time yet, but that is okay. Explore the feelings that you have. Take it one step at a time. Try to talk to others about it as it will allow you to place your own experience in some context. Talking to others will also to allow you to over come your internal homophobia and will allow you to learn that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Remember that your sexual identity is not something that you chose. It is a natural part of you. It is a part of you like your arms and legs. Hiding from it and trying to suppress it can only lead you to experience high levels of emotional distress. Do take it slow. With every step that you take the more comfortable you will become with yourself. No worries. You will get there. I hope this helps!
Thank you all very much--as always, very helpful advise! I agree, there is still a lot of work ahead of me. I know I have not fully come to terms with myself yet. Feeling a lot better about it, but when these doubts keep popping up, it makes me wonder if I really know what I want. I guess, maybe because I've never been close with any person. I can't recall ever having the slightest attraction to a female. I can say I have glanced at some men, but never ever allowed myself to be attracted to them. LOL, was just thinking, I don't think any straight guy would have to consciously stop himself from drooling over male underwear models in the Sunday paper, while sitting at the breakfast table...
Hi there! It's great that you are feeling better. As you have mentioned, yes there is a lot of work ahead of you but you will get there. When you do have doubts popping up and you are asking yourself is this what I want, (or is this really me?), try maybe to explore these feelings in greater depth. Exploring all the different feelings that you are experiencing will allow you to get to know yourself a lot better and it will also help you to reconfirm you identity. Don't be afraid to explore all of your feelings. It can only help you down the road. And as always, if you need any help or want to get something of your chest, we are here to help.
One of the things that I had to get over in deciding to come out to my first person was that just because one person knows it doesn't mean everyone else has to know. Take your time, you've taken the first step and that is wonderful! Take each new step when you feel ready, and if you don't feel ready take a breather for a little while. Embrace your gayness, don't fight it. And, of course, I'm sure Lex is right when he says that being gay does in fact kick ass (and Lex is always right) Good luck ♥
It has certainly been a great help talking here, I've never before encountered such a supportive group of people! Even in a week's time, the help from everyone here at EC helped me talk with my aunt, and then back here with all these new feelings. In fact I'd dare say that today I feel happier than I have in a very long time. Yes, I agree completely that I don't need to start coming out to everyone and anyone. This is even something I talked with my aunt about at length, and I know may people here have said the same thing, being gay is not a defining characteristic. It's my personal business, and really I can think of only a few people that would even need to know. Friends of mine that like wrenching on cars, we never talk about personal relationships, we only talked about cars. Even if I were straight, I wouldn't go around telling everyone I like women.... like anyone cares, or that it was anyone else's business. Of course there's a difference if I want to bring a boyfriend home for christmas, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. I did find out that my school has a GLBT group. They have informal get-togethers once a week, maybe after I get settled in this semester I will stop by one. I wouldn't mind making some new friends. I guess it couldn't hurt to go once.
You know it's a common thing to be so afraid of what others especially those who are close to you will think so it's normal to feel like you want to run and hide but I guarantee that if you keep coming out, each time will get easier and after a couple of people you will begin to become happier with each person you tell, like a weight off your shoulders. I don't think I've met anyone who after coming out wished they could go back and change it. It will just take some courage and time and you'll get used to it and be a happier person too.
