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A coming out Dilemma

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by calgary, Jun 6, 2014.

  1. calgary

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    The Situation: I have came out to my parents and a brother that lives in the same city as me. I am starting to come out at work and feel I should tell me other brother and his wife. He lives about 12 hours away and I really only see him twice a year. They were originally the people that I was going to first come out to because I'm sure they would be accepting and probably most supportive. Unfortunately, I see them so rarely when I do it never seems appropriate to bring up even though now I see times where I could have. Think I mostly just chickened out. This happened again when they were out to visit a few weeks ago. My Sister in law is coming back out with her friends for a girl trip at the start of July but my brother isn't. So I have a couple of options on how to proceed.

    1) I have been talking with my sister in law on Facebook messenger fairly often recently. Been considering telling her there. The benefit would be that I would have told her before I see her when she comes to visit. When she is out here she will most likely always be with here friends so would almost have to tell her with people around. The down side of this is a really struggle telling people unless I can sort of fit it into a conversation. Like someone asking me about girls I like etc. It would have to be kind of a be out of the blue and have absolutely no idea how to do it.

    2) Wait till she is out here. We are making some plans to hang out but will most likely be with some of her friends. Her friends seem to ask what I'm looking for in girls with the best intentions of setting me up. there would probably some point in the conversation where I could fit in to the conversation easier. For some reason I think it would be easier to tell her without my brother around as well. I find telling girls far easier than telling guys.

    Thoughts? I should mention I think they actually know and thought this was already dealt with. last year we went to vegas with a bunch of their friends. At the end of a liquor fueled night one of the girls was hitting heavily on me. I told her that she was barking up the wrong tree and sure they caught on to what I meant. I made the mistake of not following up with it the next day. Just too hung over.
     
  2. calgary

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    Well by default it appears that I am going with option 2. I really want to tell my sister in law and think it will be easiest to do it while she is out visiting here. She will be out here without my brother as she is on a girls trip. I think it is easier that way.

    Anyways my new problem is that she is going to be with her girl friends about 5 of them. The plan is to go for some drinks with them at some point but really don't have any plans yet. Anyone have any thoughts on how to tell her. Being in a group seems awkward and scary but more likely to have a good segue into the topic. Like if they begin asking what type of girls I like. (One of her friends was asking that last time). I thought this would be the better way of doing it but now I'm scared I will chicken out and won't have another opportunity till Christmas or later.
     
  3. jnr183

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    Hi Calgary- if you want my two cents I wouldn't tell in a group, but we all know I'm no expert. I don't know everything about your relationship with her or your brother. Does this brother know yet? Wouldn't you rather tell him first?

    She is family to you and telling her in a group of friends seems like it could be awkward. And in my experience so far, my sexuality never really seems to just come up in conversation when I'm thinking about coming out. I think you need to decide you're doing it. I have found that I tell people in writing- so consider me biased- but have you considered sending her a message before she arrives? It might be nice to just give her a heads up.
     
  4. calgary

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    Hey thanks for the advice. No I haven't told my older brother. We are actually very similar and get along really well but he's 10 years older than me and lives about 11 hours away. They were going to be the first people I was going to tell years ago. I see them rarely. I don't know why I'm nervous about telling him. Our family has a very good way of just talking about sports and weather. So talking about personal stuff isn't really done. So I kind of feel talking to my sister in law. She's a councillor at a high school and pretty accepting. (I'm certain my bro is accepting too) and they could be actual supportive instead of just accepting which my life is lacking right now.

    I agree it would be best not to tell her in a group and probably not drunk. They only person I ever told without a drink in my hand is my mom. I kind of told them in Vegas so think they know bi or gay but it was a drunk disaster. The problem will be if I don't come out now. It's going to be christmas before I see them again. Also last time we were out with her friends, they tend to bring up what type of girls I like and want to help me find someone. I get the feeling if we are out that it may come up again. I'm very good at just going with it but not sure I want to. How would you deal with the situation?
     
  5. Bolt35

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    i'd say do it when the two of you are spending time with each other. i don't think she'll want her friends around to know that. if you feel that they your older brother and sister will be accepting about it, i'd say go for it. i'd keep the drinking to the minimum of 2 drinks. i don't think you want to remember it as "yea! i came out to them when i was drunk so i don't remember much of it!" if you're stuck in the situation like that again, try to be comical about it. it seems like you have a good idea about setting up, so i'd say you just need a bit of a push =P
     
  6. mnguy

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    Hey calgary, it's great that you're really attacking this head on and I bet you can do this. With the upcoming visit I'd say either let her know ahead of time as in option 1 or maybe tell her that you want to go for a walk to get her advice on something when she is in town. That would set up the talk, give you some time to get used to the idea and she could plan some time to spend with just you.

    If you don't bring it up before she visits you could try telling her when she's there, but when it's just the two of you. If that doesn't work out (and from personal experience I know how these coming out talks don't always work out and it's nothing bad on you) I'd go with the written coming out option as Mr. jnr suggested. That way you can lay it all out just like you've done here so nicely. I find it too intimidating to talk about this even with those I am 99% sure will be cool about me being gay. Please don't make the mistake of waiting too long as I and others have done. I wish you all the best :thumbsup:
     
  7. calgary

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    Just wanted to give everyone a big thank you. Your advice was great. My sister in law Shannon was sick of hanging out at the beer gardens were her friends were so they came a couple came over to my place. We went out for dinner and I was sitting next to her so when we were just chatting I told her. I had people over to watch tennis and then soccer and then went to the Rodeo so I was far from sober but wasn't a mess either. She was great though and didn't care. had the usual questions. We then went to a karaoke bar and I got up my nerves (a few drinks) and txt my brother after getting it vetted by my shannon. We have been txting today and I think he is alright. So I know drunk txt probably isn't the recommend way but it seemed to have worked. Oh and then I was singing along a song off of Chicago (the musical) so her friend asked are you gay. I'm counting that also as coming out so that puts me at 3 for the day. I'm putting that in the win column

    Thanks so much everyone. I can't put into words how much all of your kind words and support means to me.