It took me longer than most to know who I am, mostly because of my parents. They taught me that failure is the worst thing ever at a very young age, and I often felt like that's all I was capable of. I didn't like the things they wanted me to, I didn't act the way the told me I should, I was failing them. So I began to lie to them. I put on mask after mask, shunning myself until I was what they wanted. I am still, to this day, obsessed with success. To the point where I'm afraid to move ahead and challenge myself, because I might fail. My mother has shaped a hard wall around me, that even I can't pass. I shut myself out from most people, or simply give them the lies. I couldn't hide from myself entirely. Having crushes on some of my teachers and peers at school, never feeling any interest in dating guys the way most girls were. The way I wanted to dress, the way I wanted my hair to be, the people I wanted to be with. I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to admit to it, because that would mean I failed my parents. I'm writing this down because it is important to understand this before you can understand my problem with coming out to my parents. My father for one, told me outright that if I ever took a girlfriend home, he would "Take me out behind the shed and beat me straight" no lie, straight face. When my mother thought I was dating another girl, she went on one of her circular frantic rants to my sister about how "I was going to get aids" and "My father was going to have a heart attack when he finds out." It's all just too much for me to face. So far, only my best friend knows. I couldn't have asked for anyone more loving and supportive. She's always there for me, and lets me know often. I see her, happily living with her girlfriend and I can't help but want it too, so much. But I can hardly open up to anyone any more. I've lived for thirteen years shutting myself out. Keeping everything inside and buried. But it hurts. I want to be accepted for who I am. Hell, I would love it if my mother didn't dislike everything I love! From my favourite T.V shows to my favourite music, she doesn't approve of any of it. But she has me so well conditioned, that I can't stand not pleasing her. I don't know what to do. A huge part of myself feels very happy at the thought of simply running away and never telling them anything. But that's not the right way to do things, right?
You have already taken the first step by posting this. Most people will accept you for who you are, and the ones who don't don't have to matter to you if you don't want them to. Good luck, hope this helps! ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 10:12 AM ---------- That was only half of my post, not sure how that happened. The rest of is said: Do you really want to cut off all contact from your parents? Family is important, but so is living a free and happy life with someone you love. Some people are more accepting when it's someone close to them, but that isn't always the case.If you are living on your own and supporting yourself, the n there isn't that much they can do that will have a long term effect on your life. Their expectations shouldn't rule your life. If you do decide to cut off contact with them, you should probably tell them why. You don't have to do it in person, though, you can send them a letter or call or something. If you do do it in person, you might want to bring the friend with you as a just in case measure. If your dad was serious about beating you, I wouldn't go alone. It's absolutely fine to make mistakes. If you don't, you'll never learn from them. Besides, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Again, I'm sorry about your situation and I hope this helps.
