How do you recognise sexual attraction? Quite graphic

Posted a topic the other day about how i'm very confused about my sexuality

Anyway, as i'm sure a lot of people in the same situation do, i decided to go on a few gay websites and check my reactions. So looked at quite a few pictures of naked guys and always had the same reaction: my heart starts beating out of control to begin with, which i feel is fear/anxiety, and i get a tingling sensation 'down there' but no growth. The longer time goes on and the more relaxed i get, the more the tingling sensation disappears. I don't get any growth whatsoever, in fact it seems to shrink. To me this is probably the opposite of arousal? The more relaxed i get, the less 'aroused' i feel? How do people generally realise they are sexually attracted to the same sex?

 

It's an ambiguous one and basically the major cause of my sexuality crisis

When i was 11 me and a male friend jacked each other off for 6 months or so. I didn't fancy him or desire a relationship with him, i was obsessed with a girl at school and he had a girlfriend so it was your typical childhood experimenting i guess. It ended when he asked could he perform anal on me. I told him no chance and that was the end of our experimenting. We stopped speaking to each other a few weeks later and haven't spoken in 11 years.

After that i began to masturbate by myself and 99% of my fantasies were over women. However, i had the occasional fantasy about my old friend jacking me off. Then at 14, i started watching gay porn. Why? Well my therapist said it could've been 'homosexual imprinting' i.e. my only sexual experience had been same sex, so i was attracted to this. He also mentioned taboo. All i know is that it was solely the act that excited me, it didn't matter whatsoever what the guys looked like. But this didn't lead to any questioning of my sexuality, mainly because i had no real reason to. 80% of my fantasies were still over women, i watched lesbian porn sometimes although not as often as gay porn, and i was constantly crushing on girls in school and on TV. I definately wasn't 'programmed' to think i liked girls when i didn't. I definately liked them. I wasn't trying to fit in either: between the ages of 14 and 18 i actually had no friends so it's not like i was trying to be like my friends and faking an interest in girls.

So the basics:
- age 11, experimenting with same sex friend
- age 12-13, start masturbating alone, 99% over thoughts of women, the odd thought about my previous experimenting
- age 14, start watching gay porn
- ages 15-22, 75% of fantasies over images or thoughts of women, 25% over gay porn

I've never had an abstract fantasy about another guy. I think this is because i'm attracted to the act rather than the guys themselves. I'm quite choosy when it comes to my female fantasies though: i've never been one to fantasise about tits or pussy, i adore women's legs and my fantasies would always be over a woman in a mini-skirt/hot pants with really tanned legs just lying down on my bed or possibily giving me a blow job. I never really fantasise about having sex with them though. I don't find the idea of fantasising about myself very arousing. Again sorry for the graphics. I've also slept with 6 girls and enjoyed intercourse, although i always disliked giving a girl oral. Since i developed this obsession though, my sex drive has plummeted and i can only keep an erection if the girl is on top of me.

 

I've heard the 'anything sexual can turn you on' debate many times. The thing is: i know for a fact that gay porn turns me on more than any other. It's almost like the energy gets me going if that makes any sense? Lesbian porn can be quite arousing but it's a bit.....soppy? Like watching 2 guys go at it vigorously is a lot more stimulating than watching 2 women kiss each other or carress each other's bodies. As for straight porn, i'm just not interested in it. I always grew up respecting women and watching a man perform hardcore sex on a woman just isn't for me. I might be aroused by it, i dunno, i've never watched it that often.

And yeah i've definately felt the 'urge to kiss/have sex with' feeling in real life, and it's always been with girls. My first relationship when i was 19 was very sexually charged. I mean, the second she came into my room i felt like i was ready to explode. I've never really felt that with any girls since but none of them have been anywhere near as sexy as she was. Even so, with my current girlfriend we started out as just friends but one night she was upset about something and i was hugging her and the next thing i knew, i had this uncontrollable urge to kiss her. Which i did. I've never experienced that with a guy. Typing stuff like this makes me think how crazy it is to think i'm gay, but it's not quite so clear cut.

The idea of being sexual with a man isn't unappealling, if a bit.....unlikely. I hate performing oral on a girl but the idea of giving a guy a blowjob isn't that bad. I think it would be a lot less disgusting. I dunno, when i was a kid i found vaginas a bit.....gross. And i still kinda do, although i enjoy sexual intercourse with them lol. However, i know that if a guy asked me to suck him off i would refuse point blank. It's like in theory the idea of giving a blow job isn't that bad, but in reality i would never contemplate it. I dunno, it's very confusing

 

Is tingling noticeable during real arousal aswell though?

I've heard many theories about 'anxiety arousal' where if you fear getting an erection you will experience a lot of tingling sensations and possibly get slight growth, but how does this differ from actual arousal?

If you were aroused by something would you just get an erection, end of story? I get an erection around my girlfriend a lot of the time but i don't think i experience this tingling, not 100% sure though. Not meaning to gross anyone out, but any responses about what anyone else feels when they look at pornographic images might be helpful lol