1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Homophobic dying father

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jaffacakes, Jun 8, 2014.

  1. Jaffacakes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I'm a 13 year old girl. I have come out to my friends but not family. My mum should be fine when I've gathered the courage to tell her. It's telling my father that I'm worried about. He is so homophobic that he wrote to the makers of the show 'dinner date' complaining after they showed a same sex couple. As well as this, he had a stroke two and a half years ago, now has Alzheimer's and the doctors don't give him long to live. I know that I should tell him and that he should die knowing who I am, but given he probably won't even remember, and I just want him to be happy, should I tell him or not?
     
  2. FrenchKid98

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2014
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Luxembourg
    That's a tough situation (*hug*)

    First, I am sorry about what's happening to your father (*hug*)

    I would recommend doing what will leave you no regrets.
    Though keep in mind that if he is able to remember it then he could tell your mom and you might wanna be ready for that possibility.

    Some other members might have first hand experience with that so they might be able to give you better advice but I wanted to help :slight_smile:

    Good luck

    (&&&)
     
  3. Jaffacakes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thanks. Yeah, I'm planning on telling my mum first. But I don't know if letting him know who I am, or knowing he will die a happier person will leave me with less regrets
     
  4. SemiCharmedLife

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,062
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    KY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If I were you I'd tell my mom first and then talk with her about how to proceed with your dad.
     
  5. Argentwing

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Personally, I would let it go. I don't know your thoughts on an afterlife, but if there is one, chances are he'll find out then.

    Ultimately I agree with Frenchkid though: "I would recommend doing what will leave you no regrets."
     
  6. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I agree with this. Your mom probably has the best idea of how your dad will react so she can probably advise you on what to do.
     
  7. Jaffacakes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thanks. I forgot to mention, my parents have been divorced for about ten years and don't speak much
     
  8. QueerTransEnby

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    3,708
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I hate to say this, but what do you have to gain?
     
  9. fortheloveoflez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    2
    Because he is in a critical state and may pass away soon, I wouldn't say it if I were you. I think that a large point of coming out is to let people know "hey, this is how I am, you need to understand that so that you don't for example make assumptions of me having a boyfriend in the future". The second part is just getting some thing off your chest and feeling honest. But...considering that he's such a homophobe...I don't know....I still wouldn't do it on his near death-bed. I'm sorry that you are in such a dilemma and sorry about your father and his critical state. I wish you the best though.
     
  10. lionfood

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2014
    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Bristol, England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm very sorry that he's dying. My grandma has Alzheimer's and she's pretty close to dying too. I'm not going to come out to her because she barely remembers who I am, and I don't think that it's that important that she know, but you might feel differently, especially since a father tends to be a closer relationship (sorry if I assume, I don't know your story) than a grandmother.
    I wouldn't do it in that situation, but if you think you'll regret it, then tell him. If you're nervous, maybe not in so many words, but hint maybe?
    I went to see my grandma recently because I know how close to dying she is, and I havent seen her in ages and I wanted to give her a hug in case she died. I feel pretty good about that, even if my favourite sweater smelled of nursing home for a bit :slight_smile:

    Ultimately, it's your decision, but take all of these comments (everyone's!) into account. Good luck whatever you're going to do!
     
  11. robotman

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Its a really hard situation to be in but honestly I wouldn't tell him. It would most likely be unnecessary stress especially when he doesn't have much time left aswell... As they say "doesn't hurt if you don't know". You need to do what ever you think is best. If you think that it will put your mind at ease then do it but I personally wouldn't.
     
  12. shadowraptor

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    I don't know how you feel about an "afterlife", but I believe there is one. When my grandma passed away, I was at a point where I was questioning who I was, and I found it surprisingly easy to stay awake at night and have conversations with her. Even though she was no longer physically with me, I felt as if I could feel her spirit there... I don't know if that's actually the case, but I feel like it was.

    So you might want to wait, or you might want to tell your dad now. Again, he might not even remember. Just do what feels right. (*hug*)