Yet another Question. Mainly for bisexuals

To be honest there is no definite way every bi-sexual feels. You can be any degree of bisexual,like me-personally i prefer guys,but that doesn't mean that i wouldn't consider a relationship with a girl. Equally you could be mostly into women, as you say. You don't have to identify as gay to like guys, you can be bisexual but leaning towards girls. Basically i guess you just need to think about how you feel towards each and come to your own conclusion,but there is no way that you 'should' feel i don't think

 

Me I much prefer guys but the idea of a girl is not unappealing so I guess I'm as close to gay as possible while being bisexual

 

I'm bisexual and clearly don't identify as gay, but that doesn't mean I don't have similar struggles as those in gay society, plus I'd date a gay man.

 

I think that everyone experiences their sexuality differently, whether they're gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, into S&M or any other really kinky stuff.

And I also think that attraction is made up of many things - such as physical attraction and emotional attachment - and that different people lay different emphases on each of these aspects. Therefore, one person might try to determine their sexuality by which gender they are most turned on by, whilst another would do so by which gender they could see spending their whole life with.

Therefore I don't think that everyone really experiences their sexuality in the same way, so I'm not sure you can ask what it's like to feel "bisexual".

What you choose to see yourself as is not so much about what you are, but how you interpret what you feel. And people choose to interpret their thoughts and feelings differently.

I think that being bisexual, and choosing to identify as such, is about acknowledging that you feel attracted to members of both sexes, whatever the word "attraction" means to you.

Therefore, in your specific case, if for you it's about who you would have sex with, or do sexual things with, then it sounds as though you are bisexual; although in your second post you say that you haven't ever had a crush on a guy, which from my perspective is interesting - I'd never until recently considered myself "sexually" attracted to women, but always had crushes on them, and based my decision to define as "bisexual" on that. That is, I looked at crushes, not physical or sexual attraction, or what sexual acts I thought I could or couldn't do. It was about who I wanted to be with. It seems as though you are looking to interpret your sexuality using different clues - not your crushes, but who you would date and do certain sexual acts with. This is equally valid, as it is your prerogative to interpret your sexuality as you will.

For the record, I experience my attraction to men and women very differently, but I could see myself in a relationship with either, and consider both sorts of attraction equally valid. I have thought about this and believe that it is entirely possible that another person with my thoughts and feelings would define themselves as completely gay, or completely straight. I have chosen to interpret my often very confused feelings as evidence of bisexuality, whereas others might not do so.

I think you need to not think too much about it, and to be honest, thinking in the abstract about what you would hypothetically do with a person of this or that gender isn't always helpful - I personally find it best to think about the people I want to be with, and do those things with.

Good luck figuring it out

 

I don't claim to know your sexuality or the answer to your question - but in my experience, I had many crushes on women in spite of thinking of myself as straight. For me, I thought I was sexually attracted to men (and therefore straight), but got crushes on women. (A LOT of crushes on women - and very strong ones too).

For me, thinking I was straight did not stop me from having crushes on women, but it DID stop me from recognising that a part of these crushes was sexual. ie. I had crushes on women, but because I thought I was straight, I failed to see that I liked them physically too, and failed to see them for what they were.

BUT I don't tend to have crushes men that often, but still consider myself bisexual, as sometimes I am attracted to them and have been in a relationship before. My attraction to men is different in this way - I can see myself with one, living with one and sleeping with one and spending my life with one - but I don't tend to crush on them so often (although I have occasionally)

(My definition of "crush": You think about them all the time. You really want to be with them. They make your pulse race. You make excuses to see them. You have imaginary conversations with them in your head. They're all you can think about)

I would have thought that if you were attracted to men, you'd've had crushes on them, in spite of any of your best "straight" intentions. But then, I'm biased towards looking at the crush - if you feel you'd quite like to have sex with men, but don't crush on them, that's a perfectly valid way of being bi too .

It does sound a little forced there, as though you're wondering if you could ever be gay!But seriously, some people, even though they crush on one gender, wouldn't mind having sex with the other too, and therefore might think of themselves as "a little bisexual". It may be that your emotional connection is mainly with women, but that you also have a physical connection with men too. I don't have all the answers. I think this is similar to me, actually: with women, I have the emotional and physical connection; with men, it's usually just the physical connection (if that; I tend to prefer women).

It may be that you're completely straight, or it may be that you tend to like women, and want to be in relationships with them, but hey, you wouldn't say no to a sexual experience with a man. Or it could mean anything.

A question: do you feel that you "want" to be gay? It's just the way that you talk about how you like women, but then you wonder if you're gay. I spent 12 years "wanting" to be gay, until I realised I was actually bisexual. However, this is just my experience! You could be anything

Even though from a lot of what you say it sounds as though you're mostly straight, your feelings for men and your doubts on this issue have clearly been sufficient for you to join EC and ask these questions. Therefore just stay here a while and continue to ask these questions - although not in too an intense way. Don't think about it too much. I find not thinking about it really helps.

This sentence displays my preference for using crushes as a guide to your sexuality, above all other things. What I mean is, don't think "do I want to be with men or women?" or "would I prefer oral sex with a man or a woman?", but think about the actual people - that you know in real life - that you want to be with, and have wanted to do these things to. So if you have sat next to a woman and thought "I really want to sleep with her", or sat next to a guy and thought "I really want to see him with his shirt off", then that is probably a bigger clue than what you think you would hypothetically do. Then look at their gender, and see if there's a pattern. Start with people, then genders. I'm not sure I'm making sense.

I think there are other people on EC who think and do things differently, or who put more importance on fantasies or masturbation or whatever. I think masturbation can be a clue, especially if it's about someone you know, but generally, I prefer the real-life test: Who is it that I think about all the time? Which people have I imagined naked when I'm sitting next to them? Then I look at the genders of those people.

Just the way I do it anyway! I can't tell from what you say whether you're bisexual or straight (you don't seem gay), but remember that there is a huge spectrum out there, and you can be very bisexual or a little bisexual - you can interpret your feelings how you want.

I hope I haven't been too confusing and have made some sense

 

It is very rare to find someone who is equally attracted to guys and girls.

I could picture myself in a long-term relationship with both men and women. I'm just more physically attracted to women, than men. I find men physically attractive, just not as much as women.

Bisexuality is being attracted to both genders. Whether if it's a deep emotional attraction to both or a 'I'm attracted deeply to girls, but I still think guys are attractive as well'. It just varies from person to person.

Wanting to date a girl rather than just have sex with just means you have a multi-dimensional attraction to girls. You think they're physically attractive, but you are also emotionally attracted to them. And there's certainly nothing wrong with that. It just means you'd rather have one steady girlfriend, then a whole bunch of cheap sex. That's just they way you are.

 

I think I get where you're coming from a lot more now.

But before I go on - you sound like a really nice guy. Texting a girl you're crushing on whilst your friends are watching lesbian porn? Not just wanting casual sex with girls? That's the sort of man I, and I'm sure many other bi/straight girls, would appreciate .

When you mentioned OCD it fitted into what I was thinking about your previous posts - to me, if I'm being honest, you sound pretty much straight, even if you may have a bi side. But you also sound like you've been thinking about it a lot. And worrying about it a lot. And interpreting everything a lot.

I have had quite bad OCD in the past, and I know that one symptom is recurring thoughts and fears - such as, in your case, that you may be gay. It can make you focus on one thing and interpret everything in light of that fact. I think that it's very healthy that you've decided to look at other message boards other than the one for H-OCD. It means you can properly explore whether you are in fact bisexual, or whether a lot of it is your OCD. It is also good that you don't seem to mind too much if you are bisexual - what seems to concern you is not defining yourself correctly. Am I right in this?

I in no way what your sexuality is, but it really does sound as though you prefer women, but that you may sometimes be sexually attracted to men. However, mostly what I read behind the lines is someone who is overly concerned with getting the diagnosis correct, rather than whether you are actually straight or bi. If you're worried about definitions - which are not in any case necessary - but you don't know if you're bi, how about bi-curious? I don't really know how to help you figure yourself out, and I'm not really one for labels, but that sounds like quite a good one! It's sometimes used for straight people who are curious (most often in the context of women, but also for men), or even bisexuals sometimes.

It's actually quite interesting though, because *I* feel as though I've faked my gay crushes because I *want* to be gay, not that I *am* gay. This is the exact opposite to you - you think you've faked your straight crushes, because you think you might be gay. I don't know whether this is because you are bi, even a little, or because of your OCD, or because you're a little bi and your OCD magnifies it, but it's quite interesting.

What you say about feeling different - from what you say, you were different in that you were a nice guy. When I was growing up, I felt different because all my friends were talking about boys and I was thinking (non-sexually) about girls. I don't think the fact that you have an emotional connection to the women you date and that you don't see them primarily as sexual objects as evidence of gayness of bisexuality: I see it as evidence of a nice guy. That's my personal take anyway.

So, yeah, again I have no answers for you, but I think I see your predicament a little more clearly now.

 

I just went through some of your other threads again to get a better idea of where you're coming from and -

No.1: you have to try and stop thinking and worrying about it if you can. This is clearly a very powerful obsession you have at the moment, but you have to realise that actually, it doesn't matter. If you're with someone you like, stay with them, if you're not, don't. On a related point - your worry will affect your sexual arousal I'm sure, so the more you try and figure it out that way, the more difficult it will become, I think.

No.2: I think I've kind of already said this, but yes, I do think that you can, for instance, be emotionally attracted to women and physically to men or whatever. The few attractions I've had to men have been intensely physical - very very very much so - and my attractions to women very emotional and somewhat physical (although increasingly more physical). I am happy interpreting this as bisexual, and don't feel I'm denying that I'm gay. Because actually, it doesn't matter. Therefore, rest assured that at least one other person with a similar split of interests is happy to identify as bisexual, but actually no longer cares too much.

Don't quote me, but I don't think you're in denial about being gay at all. It really doesn't sound like you're completely gay at all. Bisexual perhaps, but not gay. I actually also think that many - if not most - men in your situation would be happy to consider themselves as straight. But I would really not worry about it.

To be honest, if you are in denial about anything, it's about the effect that this obsession about your sexuality is having on your life. There's a possibility that you might be bi, but seriously, from the sounds of all your posts, you have to work on getting rid of this obsession, not figuring out whether you are bi or not. You're worried about being in denial about being gay, but seriously, you're problem - which you know - is that you worry about it way too much.

Hope I don't sound harsh . I just worry that you're working yourself up when you really don't need to be. It's really good that you're open to the idea that you might be gay/bi, and you should stick around whilst you figure it out, but really it doesn't matter, and you don't have to figure it out all at once. Try and convince yourself of that first .

 

That's basically how bisexuality feels. Not geared enough towards straightness to be a typical straight person, but not gay enough to be a typical gay person. It's somewhere in the middle, with different aspects of each gender appealing to you. And like a lot of people will tell you it's common to have a preference.

 

I haven't really got a lot of time to reply, but it really does sound as though your obsession is the problem, not your sexuality. I think that it's brilliant that you've discussed this with your girlfriend, and I'm really happy that she's so supportive. To me it also sounds as though you are attracted to her, but that you are becoming obsessed that you are not. I can see exactly how someone saying how happy you seemed could be a trigger.

This may be a stupid question, but have you ever seen anyone professionally about your OCD? I'm not an expert, but there are some kinds of therapy which can help with these sorts of things, and I do believe that drugs can sometimes help. I don't know if you'd feel able to talk to someone else about all this, but I do think that the extent to which this obsession is taking over your life means that you should at least try. And I would say that if you had, you should perhaps try again. Things like OCD and repetitive thoughts can be tackled or at least managed if you manage to find the right person who's experienced in these things. This is really the only thing I can think of at the moment that might help you.

If then once you have this under control, you still feel as though you do actually have sexuality issues, you will be in a stronger position to try and resolve them, as you won't be so worried and analysing yourself at every turn. I only recommend that you see someone about it because it is a recognised medical condition, and if this is the root of your problems - which it sounds it could be - it can be helped. I realise that telling you to stop fretting about it all is about as useful as telling an alcoholic to stop drinking, which is why I'm saying this.

But I am glad that you have discussed it with your girlfriend, and that you're able to discuss it with us. You're worried that you're wasting your time and that you will spoil your relationship with her because you'll run off with another man. To be honest, from absolutely everything you've said, it sounds as though it's your obsession rather than any denied homosexuality that will, and is, damaging your relationship. I don't know how it is that psychologists and the like get people to avoid their repetitive and intrusive thoughts, so I can't really advise you beyond trying to see someone about it if possible?

If you see someone who is specially trained in OCD and the problem of intrusive and repetitive thoughts, then you will be in a better position to know whether it truly is your OCD or your sexuality or both that's your problem. At the very least you will be able to get your life more on track by keeping a control of your obsession. Someone who is qualified and with experience in this field would be able to make a fairly accurate diagnosis I expect, and give you the help you need.

Sorry that this isn't too helpful, but I'm not trained in this area at all, so can't help too much.

 

I used to think it was stupid of me to have been in denial all those years...

But reading your story and how anxious you are about all this makes my story seem kind of tame. I feel really sorry that you've worried about this for as long as you have.

I also watched gay porn (secretly) from the time I was 19, but it never occurred to me that I was gay. I met a woman, got married, had kids. But I became increasingly unhappy. So perhaps I was obsessing in my subconscience. Who knows.

But I would encourage you to work this out before you commit to marriage. It will just get harder for you to deal with the longer you're with your girlfriend.

Accept that you're at least 'bi-curious' and 'go with the flow'. It's your OCD that seems to stop you from doing that, so I'd also recommend counselling to deal with that.

Let me know if you want to chat more.