I want to tell my parents, but not sure I am ready emotionally...

I have been wondering for the last couple of weeks if it is time to tell my parents and siblings that I am gay. In the last 2 months, I came out to my wife and to colleagues and friends (35+) and so far have been received with grace and love. There is also grief and sadness at the changes this will bring, but I am feeling more whole each day.

I wrestle with telling my family. On the one hand, I want to. One of the aspects of hiding myself from the truth all of these years, is that I withdrew from friends and loved ones, and experienced times of depression which were becoming more frequent. Even before this, my family has not been active in my life- they do not communicate, and especially long distance- it is as if you don't exist. I wonder if keeping myself locked up made this worse over time- it is hard to tell. It could help me to piece my life together and understand things more clearly if I could hear from their perspective what I was like as a child. I suspect they have always known, and accepted at some level that I was different. It could be less of an issue than I think.

On the other hand, a part of the process of coming out has been taking a look over my life, and with the help of my therapist, feeling the emotions and pain of my childhood and youth. There is a lot there, and it still feels raw. Both my parents are alcoholic (my father recently entered recovery and is doing better than ever, mom I however is going downhill and shows no desire to stop) as a teen, I was exposed to threatening situations, violence and abuse. When I think of talking to my family, I have a hard time separating the self disclosure, that at I am gay, from all of the unresolved issues and emotions. I am angry. (Which is a feeling I blocked off for years)

I do not know how they would take the news. When I was young, they only spoke about homosexuality with disgust. They sent a clear message that it was not acceptable (and therefore not an option) I do not know if that has changed over time. My older brother is in a church which tries to cure gays. We have had many spirited theological discussions on the topic over the years. Now I understand better why I felt so passionate in speaking in defense of gays and lesbians. It is possible he may out pressure in me to go back (not an option) or, it may be that he remembers how brutally I was treated as a child and at school, that he may be compassionate and understanding. I truly do not know. I want to believe the latter.

I have the sense that if and when I talk to my family, they will spread the news, which with Facebook can be very far and fast. They can keep a secret for years, but I am not certain they can keep a confidence.

Emotionally, I am confused. I want to hope things can get better. I have seen progress over the years with some family members. Especially my dad, and my sister ( who I think will be more than okay with it). With my mother and brother, I think I can take rejection or acceptance equally okay. What I fear is utter indifference, that it (and me) will be one more piece of news to hide under the rug, or add to the list of woes.

My friends have been telling me to take my time, and I am able to do so, but I am also aware that at the rate I am coming out in my life, there may come a day when it reaches them before I do.

I welcome your thoughts and wisdom during this confusing time.

 

Thank you Sig- the hug really helps!
Aaron- you are so courageous. God bless you.
Dear shadow, thank you for reminding me I am an adult. There is something about talking to my parents that puts me back in that teenage place.

 

An update- I have had weeks to think this through, and sort out feelings.
Today I woke up, and tears just started streaming down my face. I wasn't in a sad mood, in fact I was in a pretty good mood. Again I the afternoon, when I had some quiet time, the tears came again. Upon reflection, I feel like I cannot hold on to it longer. By not sharing, by pretending everything is just fine, I perpetuate a family pattern that I cannot stand. I don't want to become that person. I want to be able to share who I am.

As I looked back over my life, there are times when I simply stated what I am doing, without any expectation of support or affirmation. I have a history of standing up for myself, and allowing them to respond in what ever way they will. And in each case, it turned out favorable. I believe it can be this time too.

I have started to draft a letter. As I write it, I am being mindful not to blame or shame anyone, especially not myself. Rather, I want to share my story, where I am, and the path I am on so that they can know about my life, and finally know me.

How does that sound to you all (especially if you have spoken to family?)

 

Thank you all for your thoughts, your stories and support. It really helps.
I wrote the letter for my family today. I will wait a few days to see if it still makes sense when I feel less emotional. (Lots of tears as I wrote it.) So I hope to send it early this next week. I kept the focus on me and my experience, and the steps I am taking now to move forward in my life and relationships.

 

I talked to my sister yesterday and told her I am gay. She was surprised, and sad- knowing how painful this. But she was also understanding. Her daughter came out as bi a year ago, it is still a secret from the family. and she has gone through the difficulties of accepting this as a parent. She knows this is not an easy road, but she loves her and stands by her.
We actually talked for a long time, openly and honestly, and it was good. She says she loves me, and is there for me.
She thinks my parents will be okay with my being gay eventually, but that it will be painful.
Not sure how my brother will react, but thinks it may be harsh.

I am glad that I talked to my sister, and that we are both able to talk openly about our lives.
I should be rejoicing, But the strange thing is, I feel detached, even as I think about it now. That wall inside is still there. :-(

 

I sent the letter to my parents today.
I feel like another heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.
I am thankful for that, and feel at peace with however they respond.