This is a bit lengthy, I apologize beforehand. I'll be 27 years old next month. A year ago, I made a pact with myself that if by age 27, I hadn't come out of the closet, I would drive away without a trace and just "disappear" to rebuild my life from scratch, or just kill myself. The 15 years of beating myself up had taken its toll. Fortunately, as of last week, I'm out to my three closest friends. Everything seems alright, and they've all been eager to give advice. They're all straight though, so advice only goes so far. And I'm afraid of asking for more advice or bring up my orientation every time we hang out, as I want to keep my "I'm still going to be the same person you've always known" comment in my coming out speech actually valid. I'm a virgin. The hormone build-up over the years is killing me. It seems most gay guys had at least tried a relationship with a girl first, and lost their virginity to them even, but that's not my case. I've known since puberty hit that I was gay, as much as I tried to deny it or change it, and every opportunity I've ever had to be with a girl has always been a close friend. What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't get it up and word spreads? What if I imagine something else, we have sex, a relationship ensues, and I can't break it off due to not wanting to hurt her? So I avoided it at all costs. I know better than to go with Craigslist hook-ups, I want a relationship, someone to come home to. The problem is I'm living with my disabled widowed mother who needs my help emotionally and financially. I've made dating profiles, desperate to get myself out there, but once someone starts talking to me and conversation tends to lead to "we should meet up for coffee sometime" I chicken out. Coming out to my mother would kill her, she's as conservative as they come, and she won't watch a movie if there's any homosexual activity (even kissing) or even if the main character is gay, totally unrelated to the plot in the movie. So I can't exactly bring a guy home, I can't move out because her well-being would crumble, and I'm afraid to bring up the fact that I live with my mom to someone I'm dating for fear of being seen as a loser. Has anyone ever been in a similar position or know where to go from here? I often wonder what it's like to be able to share a bed with someone to fall asleep with at night, I need companionship. One of my friends said I should wait until the time is right to even start dating, which is something I'm considering. On an unrelated-but-sorta-related note, after coming out, I did research on safe and unprotected sex. I guess I never realized how serious HIV is the gay community. Upon reading different discussions on different gay sites, it seems everyone knows at least one person with HIV. I know of celebrities who have died of AIDS, but they were pretty wild. After reading up on it, I got severely depressed, like it's inevitable, I'm going to get HIV at some point in my life if I'm gay. Condoms aren't a 100% sure fire way to prevent it. And being forced to wear a condom in a relationship you've been involved in for 10 years for fear that one of you cheats is just awkward and hinders trust. I made a profile on a dating app for bears and cubs locally, which I thought would be right up my alley... except everyone has nude pictures they share with each other after short conversation. I'm now on a casual hookup site apparently, and I'm the odd one out for refusing to share or even take nude pictures.. Do these people just not care about the risks? How do you all handle situations like that? The "hey, I know we've been together for a decade, but rubbers on. You know, just in case you did something while I was out of town last weekend." And even condoms don't prevent it entirely. I have a fear of meeting someone outside a bar or something (which is more ideal than internet dating to me, but I have no way of knowing if someone's gay in the "real world") and that person lies to me about their HIV after 5 dates just to get with me, and stamping a death sentence on my head. Demanding a blood test every time before doing anything with someone new seems excessive too. It's all almost enough to scare me into being a lonely virgin forever.
That's not true. To me, this impression is caused because LGBT tend to be less conservative when talking about sex in general, so discussions about safe sex, STDs, etc. are more common, simply because, in our fight for equality, we tend to be more open minded about things. I'm not trying to say there is no STDs on the LGBT community, or that we are immune to them. But, like everyone else, we should just be careful about sex. What's the difference here to a straight couple? They can cheat too, and they can get diseases too. We aren't that different. For example, you could get tested, and, if any of you decides to use condoms again, for any reason, that should be ok. Condoms aren't 100% effective, i know, but they are really effective if used properly. Everything in life has a risk, you could get a disease just breathing air with bacteria, for example. Don't overthink it too much, just be careful, normally. I recommend this thread too: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html
Hey. The beginning of your post caught my attention. The first thing I'm going to say is: don't kill yourself. Perhaps I haven't ever been in your particular situation, but I do know how hard it is when it comes to getting out of the closet towards your parent(s). My dad is extremely homophobic, and all I can do is just hope for the best when I do get the courage to express myself. You have to be brave. She is your mother. Mother's are supposed to care for their child; I believe she'll accept you. As for being lonely... maybe try to put yourself out there a bit. Even in a subtle way. Like wearing a pride bracelet. If you don't make a big deal about coming out to your friends, it won't seem like it matters as much. Believe me. When I casually stated that I would date someone of the same gender, they were a bit surprised for a moment, but continued on as if it had never happened. And the whole HIV thing? Anyone can get it. Not just gay people. Good luck.
First you have to stop to think about killing yourself. Second, anyone can get HIV even straight people. And finally be who you are, find people who accept you. And you see taht you find love and happienes.
Internet hook-ups are not a great way to go. I would suggest going to gay bars, I myself just recently started going to one, and it has been a wonderful experience, everyone is so nice and welcoming, i have great conversations with everyone each time I go. As far as HIV goes, like everyone said, everyone can get it, just be careful and you will be ok. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, sex, and relationships, just be yourself and do what makes you happy, everything else will fall into place with time. Stay strong.
Thanks for the HIV tips. Suicide was something I thought about in the past. It's different now though. Coming out to the people who were already the closest in my life, and having them accept me, did a 180 on my perspective of life. I've thought about going to gay bars... My problem is I'm not into the gay stereotype. Flamboyant guys and drag queens aren't for me, and though I've never been to a gay bar, I know ones who do go regularly. Very gay. Hopefully I can get up the courage to go one day and find someone like me, who you wouldn't know was gay unless you asked them. I'm still at the point now though where I don't know if I'm ready, and don't know when I'll ever BE ready. Trying to find a job currently so moving out is actually an option. Ideally I'd like to help my mother find an apartment or some place she can live in with just her disability money and SSI, but that's so far off in the distance it's not even funny.
