Without any desire to offend anyone, this is my question. My personality aligns with the typical masculine heterosexual and I wish to be perceived as such, so if it turns out that I am bisexual or gay, which I'm thinking is possible, is there any reason for me to come out? A lot of people say that they wanted to be able to 'be themselves' and that they were hiding a part of themselves whilst in the closet, but if I'm not straight, I don't feel that way.. at least at the moment. Is that something that will change? If you could give your own experiences then maybe that would help me understand - why do people come out? Other than for non-selfish reasons? I mean, there was a thread a while back talking about coming out to be there for others going through the same. EDIT Something obvious has just come to mind. I feel like an idiot now, obviously if you want to have a gay relationship then you need to come out if you don't want it to be in secret. But I don't feel like I want to be in a relationship with a man at the moment, and I can't see that changing. So I think I'm physically attracted, but not romantically. Realistically, is that possible?
Yes, it is possible to be physically attracted but not romantically attracted to some people, which does not mean that you will not some day be both to a particular person. People come out for various reasons, to feel honest about themselves, to be able to openly attract the attention of other gay people, to make a political pride statement, or to explain why they cannot remain in a "straight" situation which is making them uncomfortable. There are as many reasons as there are gay people. If you feel masculine and comfortable with hanging with masculine straight men and doing what they like to do, then do it. If you decide later that you are really more gay and want to find a gay mate, then you may have to change your actions to better align with that orientation, if your "straight" friends will not accept you as you are.
I can't imagine having an emotional connection with a guy, but could that be because I'm sort of in denial about it?
You might be in a state of denial about having romantic feelings for another guy, because you feel a sense of shame about being gay, or feel that it is not masculine to feel that way about another guy. I think that will change when you find a person you are attracted to so strongly that you want to always have them in your life and can't imagine living without them. Then you will understand what an emotional connection is. At age 18, you haven't had a lot of time yet to find that person, or live in your gay skin long enough for your own feelings to seem fully natural to you. If you never come out to another man, you are unlikely to establish that kind of connection, because you will have to be out, at least to him, to have a relationship with him.
In my experience people come out because they realize being gay is something fundamental enough about themselves that to hide it will prevent them from having an authentic life. If you really feel that this is not the case for you coming out may indeed be more heartache than it is worth. The thing I will say is that you should stay open to the fact that as you become more comfortable with this part of you you may find that it is more fundamental to who you are than you now think. I think it's fairly common in the early stages of coming to terms with being gay or bi to think that it's just about sex--because thinking about it that way allows you to think that it isn't going to fundamentally change your life. I kind of thought that in the beginning. In high school and the first year or so of college I dated women, and had occasional encounters with guys but no real attachment like I thought I felt with women. Then my sophomore year in college a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his in town visiting from Princeton. He was me but from Princeton--we both were comparative religion majors, we both did parliamentary debate and a lot of other stuff--we just clicked. He seemed to find a lot of reasons to visit my friend after he met me. He was gay and out and he clearly knew I was gay but knew I wasn't ready. He was respectful about it and we became quite good friends--as much as you could given that we went to different schools in different cities. One night we went to a party and he got a little drunk--he was staying with us and I didn't drink (raised Mormon) so it was my job to help him back to the room. We made it back to my dorm building and in the lobby he went in for a kiss--my guess is he never would have done this if he wasn't drunk but he was and it happened. I was so startled I let it happen--and it was like lightning, literally my legs gave out and we fell in a heap on the floor right there in the lobby. It was like something broke open inside me and I realized I needed this, not the sex but the intimacy, with men in a way I never had with women. I realized right there in a flood that while I had always assumed I loved women and that it wasn't really the way it was in the movies because well nothing was really like it is in the movies, that maybe that wasn't really the case. And suddenly I knew I had been wrong the whole time--because this was like it was in the movies, this was what people were always singing about. It wasn't that people were blowing this romance thing out of proportion it was that I hadn't actually been doing it all this time. I realized all this laying there on the floor entangled with this beautiful drunk man that apparently I loved. And it terrified me--and frankly we were never the same together after that--because in a very real way he destroyed my vision of my life. It took me a while to come to terms with it and the boy from Princeton was long gone by the time I did, but I did and realized I couldn't hide this fundamental part of myself. I came out about twenty years ago. I've been with my partner for 16 years now and wake up every morning more in love than I was the night before--my life would be so empty without that feeling and I think hiding that feeling would be a horrible disservice to myself and all those around me. Life's complicated and messy. Let it happen and be authentic to whatever unfolds. I guess that's the only real advise I can give.
