Why is it so hard to come out..?

I feel the same as you right now. I also feel uncomfortable with the idea...

(Nice picture, by the way. : ) )

 

Before you come out you need to accept it and be proud of it. Coming out is a scary experience . But you have to feel comfortable with yourself first. It's like taking baby steps.

 

How does one go about accepting themselves?

I've been supportive of my friends (the few that I have that aren't straight) but having this happen to me is... it's unreal.

I assume the poster feels the same?

 

You need to accept and embrace yourself before you come out if you ask me. Because if you do it while you are unsure you'll be more vulnerable to people's reactions and comments. And don't expect it to happen right away, it's a journey. You should just try to understand what you like and what you want.

 

I knew I was ready to come out when I felt what you describe, the want to come out. I was sick of hiding who I was. I knew I was gay, I knew it would (almost definitely, i'm not a fortune teller) never change, and I knew that I was sick of hiding who I was based on my fear of the opinion of others. So, when my lust to be who I am overcame my fear, I came out.

Please understand, you may be ready, even though you're completely terrified. I was so nervous, I had to breathe deeply and gather my thoughts for the longest 10 seconds of my life, turn off my brain, ignore my fear, and only focus on the positives in order to first come out.

It is terribly nerve-wracking, but it will always be, and it won't magically be easy one day. It IS hard (that's what he said), but there's nothing you can do about it, just like there's nothing you can do about being gay.

So, really, what you have to do is ignore your fear. That's the only way to do it. Please understand this: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon

Everyone who has ever come out was afraid, but we all did it. Just because you are afraid doesn't mean you have no courage, it just means you haven't learned to put aside your fear for what's really best.

Good luck, and I hope you can find the strength to come out

 

Why is it so hard? Because you have to essentially ignore your survival instincts and put yourself out in the open, going against beliefs and convention picked up from a young age. Your brain has developed defense mechanisms to protect you (keeping you hidden), and with coming out you are essentially telling it to turn them off as they are no longer needed.

I see it a bit like bungee jumping. The thinking part of the brain knows it is perfectly safe, however your unconscious is screaming "jumping from a large height is dangerous! Don't do it!". It is just trying to protect you from a situation it has learned is a threat. You need to to think "thanks for looking out for me brain, but this time I am actually quite safe".

 

Being so vulnerable and open to some one is so scary, I just told my best straight male friend last week and even though I knew he had strong suspicions and would be OK with it, it was so hard, it took me like 10 minutes to collect myself and finally say it, in those 10 minutes all I was thinking was god why is it so hard ? It did feel good afterwards but in the moment I was shaking. As far as accepting yourself and being comfortable with yourself I really don't know what to tell you, it happens in different ways for us all. Hope you will be able to figure out what is it that you want. Good luck we are all here for you.

 

i hear you! if your like me then however much we would like to, it feels like if i wait till that "im ready to come out" time i will be still waiting when im old and grey! i just wonder if at some point others could also never imagine it happening for them.

 

I thought I would never come out. But I did.

How?

I decided to kick my fear in the ass and take the risk.

Like 741852963 said, it's perfectly safe. It just feels like it isn't. You're in control. If you come off as confident, no one is going to challenge you. They won't say, "Are you sure?" and if they do, they'll end up looking quite stupid. Of course you're sure - you're confident, for goodness' sake.

But what if you can't be confident? I know I wasn't. What I did was just say it. It came out so monotone. At that moment in time, I let go of my previous life and kissed a hello to a new one - except that I was blindfolded, and I had no idea whether or not it will treat me well or treat me badly.

Say it did turn out badly. So what? That's only one person out of seven billion who doesn't support you. What about others? What about your real friends - the ones who don't give a single fuck that you like girls instead of boys?

To quote a book, "There are worse things in the world than a boy who likes to kiss other boys."

Replace boy with girl and you basically have your situation.

No one should hate you for being who you are.

Most of the time, your fears are just that - fears. They aren't predictions. They aren't a sign of your future. Most of the time, you'd be surprised about how supportive your peers can be, and for every person who doesn't support you, another respects and loves you like frick.

You can get through this. I believe in you, and so do many, many others. We have all been in your shoes before, or will be, anyway. Coming out is a scary experience, like you said. But once you're out, you feel freer, and you might even gain enough confidence to come out to more people.

So don't be afraid. We're here to support you. You can do this. You can.

 

(*hug*) I know EXACTLY how you feel there! It definitely sucks. "I'm proud of this" -> "Shit this is awful" -> "Maybe it's not bad" -> "How can I ever live like this"...

We're here for you to sort it out : )

 

"Coming out to yourself" means to accept who you are. Many LGBTQ+ people face internalized homophobia, transphobia, etc, which results in them thinking that there is something wrong with them or that they're disgusting. It's a phase a lot of us went through or will go through, and we have to get over that. Coming out to someone may help this, but ultimately, if you're secure and confident in who you are, then coming out to others will be much easier.

 

Whether you realize it or not, and even if it might be nonsense, you're scared of rejection. That's why it's advised to come to terms with it yourself first. If you're comfortable with it yourself, then you will be less scared of what others would think and be less scared of what could go wrong. Therefore, it will be easier to come out to people.

Don't expect it to be 'easy' anytime soon though. Not to sound discouraging but... After a couple of years I still have trouble coming out sometimes. I don't think it will ever go away completely. Even though many people already know. And it's like that for many.