Freaking out - does the coming out process includes crazy thoughts like this?

WARNING - IT'S REALLY LONG



Yeah, I could tell straight ppl about my thoughts about lgbt stuff but no matter how hard they try, they can just never relate to it. That’s why I disregard majority of the advices that they give me such as “it will get better” because how would you know that It will get better when YOU NEVER WENT THROUGH THE SAME SITUATION. I know that they’re trying to give me their supports but sometime, I feel like it’s not enough but it’s EXTREMELY UNFAIR of me to ask them anything more and I have no right to do so. In my mind, whenever Jane (changed her name) listens to my thoughts, I’m 95% even though she has stated that “I will always be here and you should learn to love yourself”, she might think I’m being crazy for thinking these thoughts. I KNOW I’m putting too much pressure on myself for thinking these thoughts but I can’t find a way out of these thoughts. It’s starting to become a disease where it’s starting to kill my sane thoughts and it’s leading me to becoming insane. And you know what’s the saddest part of it all right now? The only person that I could spill all my thoughts to is Jane. An acquaintance that I’ve only known for half a year and I doubt we will ever become close friends because I know literally nothing about her life except that she’s an exercise and health freak and is going to med school. I can’t talk to Kelly (changed name) about it because she doesn’t even say anything back and it makes me feel like I have a disorder.

For all the gays and lesbians that I’ve known or seen in my life, I feel so out of place in the group. There’s many reasons for that being so, since I’m not out, I can’t do the same things that they do in public and whenever I want to talk about it, I have to whisper (literally) because I’m too ashamed and unsecured to talk about the subject openly in public. Whenever anyone talks about their same-sex significant other, I feel absolutely nothing inside while listening to their stories. Well I might feel a bit disgusted sometime (I have no idea why), because for some reason, I still think it’s wrong. I don’t know why I think it’s wrong because my family or surroundings aren’t influenced by religious views and the areas where I live in, it’s rare to see someone discriminate against homosexuality in public. Sometime I wished I was religious believing that homosexuality is wrong because then, I would know where to pinpoint where all this hate is coming from. Since I think homosexuality are sometime wrong, I literally always discriminate and negatively down stereotypical gays and lesbians. I sometime think that they’re ruining it for us because what happens you tell someone that you’re gay but they don’t believe you because you’re not part of that stereotypical checklist? Since all of my lgbt friends are out, I can’t share my thoughts with them because it always backfires at me. None of them went through the silent personal struggle that I have to go to. All of them had this “if you can’t accept me for who I am, then it’s your problem because I am proud of myself for who I am”. I can’t talk about it to them because they always think that I’m overreacting when I share these thoughts.

It has led to the point where I would always have to be on guard when it comes to sharing my private thoughts, making sure that I’m using the correct pronouns when I’m discussing someone I like, and I absolutely HAVE to make sure that no one finds about the personal secret that I am so ashamed of. I feel like it will never get better. I don’t think it’s possible to have a happy future anymore. I can’t imagine growing old with a same-sex partner because it’s not what society and the plan has in stored for me. If my future includes being married to a man, and having two children’s, then so be it because their happiness matters more than mine. I know it's weird because I thought that if you're a lesbian, you would have it so much easier than gay guys because society has made it socially acceptable. how can I date someone new when I can’t even be honest with myself?

I think for now, I just want to talk to someone who could emphasize with my thoughts and mind-struggle that I had to go through. I don’t want a relationship or a hook up because I’m too uncomfortable doing anything in public and I don’t want to put down anyone’s happiness because we would always have to do things in private just because of my insecurity. I don’t want someone lecturing me about what an emotional fuck up I am and how I’m overreacting to everything. All I want is just a friend who can listen to my psychotic thoughts and be able to give relevant feedback but I have to think about that the fact that no one wants to deal with my crazy thoughts.

I can’t be honest about myself but at least I’m honest enough + have a lot of courage to share these private thoughts. So, is it just me or am I the only one that go through thoughts like this?