A little while back i posted about my fears of coming out and everyone gave good advice about possibly coming out to a close friend. Thing is even though ive come out to myself i dont think ive fully accepted it. Therfore im still very much confused all the time and recently its just been causing so much anxiety. i guess what im trying to say is that i really want to be gay but cant bring myself to accept even though i know i am. Also i feel that if i discuss this with even one of my friends, then our relationship will change. I am 100% sure she will be accepting and lovely but i i am sure there will be small subtle changes which no-one will realise are happening until they've happened. Its just ive sort of reached a stage in my life where im fortunate to have such lovely friends who are just what i want and ive never had that before and so dont want that to change by any news that i may tell them. I guess alot of this comes down to wanting to be accepted by others and myself to a certain extent but i want to share and not deal with it on my own! It just sorta replays in my head all the time!
You're on the road to fully accepting it. You're willing to be identified as gay and not hide away from it, but you're also worried about how it's going to affect your life. It's perfectly normal as being gay has no actual expectations like heterosexuality does (children etc). They're still possible, but society does not expect it from us. Being worried of the unknown is rational, but you also need to remember that you don't know how this will affect your life anymore than a heterosexual will know how their own sexuality can affect theirs. The best thing to do is find other gay people to communicate with both online and offline to get used to being around them. Once that is done you should hopefully start feeling comfortable and realise the majority of people are in a similar position. You may not be aware of how it will affect you but that does not mean you cannot accept it. Life is one big mystery regardless of sexuality and you just need to deal with whatever each day throws at you. There are plenty of other things that can affect you in life, don't let your sexuality be one of them. Changes happen anyway. Everything in the world changes whether we like it or not. Telling your friend has that risk of making a negative change, but it could also have a positive one. You can spend your whole life trying to be somebody you're not around them and yet you won't be able to guarantee that things will not change between you anyway. If they're good friends then they'll accept it and the change will be positive, if not then they're not friends. You have a much higher chance of making a negative change by pretending to be somebody you're not.
I actually didn't fully accept myself until i talked to a friend about it. I knew I was bi and just didn't have anyone who i thought would be totally accepting of it. I was afraid I'd lose all my friends. But I finally came out to david (we came out to eachother at the same time). We weren't that close of friends until that night I don't think. But nowI consider him my best friend. Its hard to come out to everyone. But it gets easier. Things will work out. They always do. Just don't be too afraid. We're here to help if things get sticky. It'll all be good.
It's great that you can at least recognize it, that shows that you are on the road to accepting yourself. I found that although I trust my friends entirely and I know they're not homophobic, I wasn't ready to tell them just yet when I started coming out. Instead I found someone older than me with more life experience that I trust. I knew she wouldn't be homophobic, and I knew that she was a good listener. The first person I told was a young youth leader, and she was amazing. If you have people in your life who are in their 30s-40s who you would consider to be trustworthy and will be a friend to you, you might want to think about talking to them. I found she could relate a lot better to the things that were going on in my head than I ever expected a straight person to be able to, but because she was older she had had more life experience. That kind of situation might be a good option for you. Regardless, find someone you totally trust. You can't have any doubts about them. Then you have to take the leap, and trust me you will feel so much better if you really have someone you can talk to about the whole thing. Best of luck ♥
I was trying to look over your profile to make sure that you were not actually a clone of my own self. I've felt the same exact way for a very long time. About two months ago, I came out to my two best friend (who are actually brothers). Just this past Friday evening, I came out to my mother (and am struggling with finding the time to tell my father). I really, really want to have the courage to not care so much about what other people think about me and how I am judged by other people. But at the end of the day, I, like you, want to be accepted by others around me. I am not sure if I am the best person to solve this for you, since I have still not solved my own problem. But let me tell you one thing. One of the greatest feelings I've ever felt came right after I told my two best friends. We have been so much closer since I told them than I could have ever imagined. We've done more and spent more time together. And deep down, we've proved to each other that we are true friends - that I care about them enough to be honest with them, and that they care enough about me to continue to be such great friends to me despite my preference for a different lifestyle. I wish you the most happiness, but I think that if your friends are truly as great as you indicated, they will have a similar reaction to that of my own two best friends. And on another token, you can have your own feelings of liberation in that you've been honest with people who mean a lot to you.
Hi there! The above posters have given you great advice. I think it is great that you have come out to yourself. Self acceptance can take a while, but if you take it slow and if you allow yourself to explore your feelings you will be able to accept it. I think talking to others (as Martin has indicated) is perhaps one of the things you could do. Talking to others about your feelings and fears as well as listening to others' expereinces will allow you to place your own experience in a context, which might help you to come to terms with it fully. Often to make sense of things and to be able to take that next step as it were, we have to hear ourselves talking about it so that it becomes real to us. Is there a GLBT group in your community that you could perhaps join? At the same time you are trying to overcome internal homophobia. What I mean here is that there is a part of you that tells you not so fast and that once in a while brings up these fears about where your life is going and what it will look like. We have grown up in a heterosexual world with certain expectations and perhaps at some level, you are afraid in going against it, which is normal. Joining a GLBT group and talking with others will allow you to overcome some of your internal homophobia as you will come to learn that it is alright to be who you are. Trying to come out to others is a major step. You are trying to let go of something that has been a part of you for so long and with which you have become comfortable. Now you are getting ready to stop the hiding and be yourself. It is normal to have these fears as to how others will react or what they might say. Sometimes it is hard to predict how friends will react but if you trust them, and you know that they could be supportive and accepting, I think it should be alright. Do follow your instincts. If something does not feel right, don't go for it. Try to figure out what causes you to hold back. Once you feel ready, talk to the friend who you think would be most trusting and accepting. Remember that you don't have to come out to your friends all at once. Come out to one friend at a time. Most often, when we do come out to trusting and accepting friends, friendships will grow stronger because our friends know or will learn that it was/is difficult for us to talk about it. But only you can make that decision. Follow your instincts. Follow what feels right for you. Hope this helps a bit!
I had the same fear... that my relationships with everyone I knew would change. But guess what? They didn't. My relationships with my friends and my family are the same - or BETTER - than before. By being honest, I'm able to be closer with them. When I shared that I was gay, and also was overcoming an addiction, one friend shared with me something that she was struggling with - and I'd never known the whole time I'd known her. We're closer now than ever! Good luck!
Thanks everyone for the really great advice as always! im actually thinking of going to a LGBT group that meets every fortnight and luckily its planned for this wednesday. Its also in the centre of London so rules out the possibility of someone i know being there. Am nervous but can only be a step in the right direction, yeah?
Yes! I think it would be really good if you would try joining the LGBT group. From my own experience it has helped me as well to get to the stage where I am at. I can only encourage you to go. Let us know how it went.
I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone. You are on the path of self-acceptance which you will find liberating in the end. You can't un-ring a bell. Knowing who you are leaves you with two choices: Accept your self, or live in denial. I chose denial and am now dealing with the fallout. The worst part for me is all the wasted years and unnecessary pain. Be good to yourself, riddlerno, you deserve to be happy.
Ok went to my first LGBT meeting yesterday and it was really ok!! It was just good to hear what others have been through and just amazed at the different stories that people wer talking about. and afterwards everyone went to the pub where the conversations carried on at a more social level and everyone sorta relaxed with each other. Was also quite good as we arranged to meet up again on more personal friendship terms too!! I guess for me it was just good to be myself and talk easily about who i am without watching every word i was saying or pretending to be straight!! ...which by the way i am finding im hating more and more each day!!
I am so happy for you that you went and that you enjoyed yourself. It's great that you are trying to get to know some of them. Way to go!
