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Just being here...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by manwithnoname7, Jun 15, 2014.

  1. manwithnoname7

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    Stupid, potentially shallow question here, but hey, what the hell.

    Does just my being on here, effectively confirm the fact that I'm gay?
     
  2. Jay47

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    There are plenty of straight people on here, so no.
    *goes into Smokey mode*
    ONLY YOU can confirm your orientation.
     
  3. biffle50

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    This website is open to all. So no you don't have to be gay to be on here.
     
  4. Yossarian

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    I think you saying your orientation is "Gay but married and not out" is what confirms the fact that you are gay, because you are gay if you feel that you are gay. Being married doesn't really confirm your sexuality, although it can create the appearance to a casual observer that you are acting as though you are straight, and therefore should be presumed and treated as straight pending additional information or confirmation from you about your sexuality. There are quite a few men here who are married but gay, most of whom post in the LGBT Later in Life section. You are not alone. Now, tell us why you are here, what your concerns are, and what you think you want to do, if anything, about your seemingly contradictory situation.
     
  5. manwithnoname7

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    Well I guess I want to move forward, towards eventually coming out to my wife and living as a gay man. It's becoming consuming to the point that I'm thinking about it all the time. But I don't really know where to start
     
  6. Bolt35

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    well that's up to you entirely. i've seen straight people here as well so it's definitely open to everyone.
    if you are 100 sure you're gay then i'd say all the more power to you for finding yourself. i'd say it will be a tough journey.
     
  7. mnguy

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    Welcome, manwithnoname7! Ok, sounds like you're gay; that's cool. I'm glad you found us. EC is a great place to read others' experiences, ask questions, read some news, etc. How long have you been married? Did you ever think you had attraction to guys or did you realize it after marriage? People here have had both experiences or a mix and many have found a way to a happier life. I hope you will too.
     
  8. QueerTransEnby

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    It's a step to finding out your sexuality.
     
  9. manwithnoname7

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  10. marriedover50

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    I've been married 24 years. Congratulations on coming out to yourself much earlier in the journey. I understand your feelings. I understand the feeling of the coming shitstorm.

    I've been thinking about this constantly over the last three months, too. I am moving forward each day. Little at a time.

    Welcome. Keep sharing and letting this be a place to vent, cry, or ponder.
     
  11. DancingGirl

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    Welcome. This is a safe place. I understand your feelings. I have been married 11 years. Two kids. I have been coming to terms with who I am for two years now. It is a process and everyone here is wonderful, helpful and inspiring. I have only been on here about two weeks and already my outlook on coming out is the best it has been since I realized I am queer. So I hope you find the answers here. You may not be gay and that is okay too. Maybe you will find bi fits you better. Doesn't matter we are here for you.
     
  12. lovely lesbian

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    This site is open for everyone
     
  13. Yossarian

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    You have already started. You have accepted that you are a gay man, that the appropriate thing for you to do in your particular situation is to tell your wife what you now know about yourself, and decide with her what the best way to handle this for the both of you will be. She will have to go through this process with you. She may go through the usual 5 stages of dealing with it on a different time scale than you, but she will eventually accept that you are gay, which means that you always were but did not understand it when you got married. You will likely want to do a no-fault divorce, so that each of you can find new soul mates whose orientation works with your new status, her a hetero male, you a gay male. You will hopefully be able to amicably divide your assets and support each other during this process rather than hand your assets and lives over to warring attorneys. Best possible outcome is that you remain friends, but it may not work out that way. That is the untangling of your mistake, which needs to come first.

    After this is done, then you need to decide what "living as a gay man" means to you, whether you seek a long-term relationship, or just want to explore and learn more about what your new identity means to you by meeting a lot of new people and experiencing a series of short-term encounters. It will be best if you can defer most of this until your legal obligations to your wife have been resolved, but that does not mean that you cannot begin to meet people and create a circle of gay friends to help support you during this process. How you go about this and what works for you is for you to decide, but it is best to not get too heavily involved with anyone else until you and your wife have separated and gone your own ways. There is a lot of information by example available on this site, and there are books you can buy online which will help you figure out what you want to do, which you will see referenced here. Amazon is pretty good about leading you from one to the other of them once you get started. Let us know when you think you are ready to tell your wife and we can take it from there.

    PS It doesn't have to be a "shitstorm" if both of you act reasonably, and realize that you made a mistake, did not mislead her intentionally or with malice, and just want to do what is best for her and for you, given the reality of what you know now.
     
  14. manwithnoname7

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    I just don't even know where I am going to begin. I'm not sure if breaking my kids hearts by not having their daddy with them every day is actually worth it...
     
  15. ABeautifulMind

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    How hold are your children? This is a tough call, but if you and your wife can both be reasonable, then there is absolutely no reason for your kids to lose their daddy...

    Also, you are clearly a reasonably selfless individual, because you are completely ignoring your own happiness. Either that or you need to be reminded, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AS WELL...
     
  16. manwithnoname7

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    Kids are 4 and 1...I'd really rather they didn't grow up with a gay daddy, or at least a daddy who is openly out and known as being gay.
     
  17. ABeautifulMind

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    I am assuming you think they would hate that. They would be embarrassed, disappointed, etc. Is there any chance that your having a hard time accepting being gay, and possibly subconsciously projecting your own feeling onto them and so you would rather not deal with them growing up to feel that way?

    I hope that makes sense. But the reason I ask is because from what I have seen sisters and kids are the most frequently accepting family members.

    I know it seems easier to just stay with the status quo, TRUST me U know. Fuck I could simply never come out as bi to my parents, repress my feelings towards guys, and live a life as a straight man who just isnt as attracted to girls as most straight guys. I am attracted to women. Just not as much. And I know I could live like that, because I am currently doing it. It sucks. It is draining. Its depressing. Hell it is soul crushing. And I know you feel the same way because you came here. Your kids will be fine. You need to do what makes you happy. I know it is hard. Take your time. But start down a road that will lead to your happiness. Might I suggest reading the coming out letters under the resources tab and read the reactions. It might make you realize just how happy you can be, thats what they did for me. Just remember, you didnt plan this, its not your fault. You know you and your wife wont be/stay happy if your not interested in her like that. Dont put yourselves through that. Do what you know you have to do to be truly happy.

    And I am sure the kids will be perfectly fine as long as their gay daddy is a happy daddy.
     
  18. manwithnoname7

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    I'm actually just more worried about ignorant people giving them grief because of me. Not saying it's right, but as a parent there is nothing more important then protecting your children.

    Do you have kids?
     
  19. ABeautifulMind

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    I do not. I have had nieces who lived with me in the past and that I am very close with. I understand protecting them. However I think they would be more worried about you being happy than some jackass giving them a hard time.

    And besides, every kids is teased, I almost think getting teased for something about your dad would be better than getting teased because of something about you. I mean seriously, think back. Every kid gets teased about something...
     
  20. manwithnoname7

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    You're right, and probably very objective, but without having experienced the emotions of being a parent I can't really pay any kind of credence to your advice

    Is there anyone out there who is a parent and has come out with young kids who can give me some pointers?