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It's over, after 17 years

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Paul_UK, Aug 22, 2008.

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  1. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

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    After 17 years, Markie and I are over. There is a lot of information in my blog entry here but for those who don't want to read all that here is a summary.

    We met when I was 27 and he was 21. Over the last few years I feel we have drifted apart. We have less common interests, don't do things together like we used to, don't talk very much etc. Comparing our relationship with that of other couples I know we seem a lot less close. I feel we are more like house-mates than a couple. I am noticing other guys a lot more too.

    I have been feeling this way for at least two years. There is an old thread of mine here from almost two years ago where I said the same sort of thing as my blog, and things haven't changed since then.

    I decided that I needed to do something about this. It has been dragging on too long with no change or resolution.

    He has never been one for talking about his feelings and we have never really discussed how we felt. So I really had no idea how he felt at all. I assumed he felt the same way from the signs, but it was impossible to really know.

    I had been wanting to talk about it with him for a while but it just didn't happen. So I left him a note this morning before going to work.

    He got it, emailed me at work and I came home early.

    We have tried to discuss it but not a lot was said. He's very upset. He said he does not feel the same as me at all and still loves me. However he also said that if this what then that's how it will be. He doesn't want to stay living with me if we are not a couple though.

    He has gone out to a friend's house now. I'm pleased he does have somewhere to go and someone to talk to about it.

    I'm feeling somewhat shell-shocked and numb at the moment. I'm not really upset because I knew this was coming. I am hoping we can sort this out in an amicable way once he is over the initial shock.

    I'll add more later...
     
    #1 Paul_UK, Aug 22, 2008
  2. GlindaRose

    GlindaRose
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    (*hug*)

    You did the right thing. It would have been worse to live a lie.

    Hopefully things will work out for the best.
     
    #2 GlindaRose, Aug 22, 2008
  3. Helen

    Helen Guest

    Sorry to hear that, Paul :frowning2: (*hug*)

    I agree with Lucy, that was the right thing to do. It wouldn't be fair on you to carry on as you were :frowning2:

    I hope things will work out too.
     
    #3 Helen, Aug 22, 2008
  4. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

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    He's now back. He is going into work soon and says we'll talk tomorrow.
     
    #4 Paul_UK, Aug 22, 2008
  5. Ronnie92

    Ronnie92
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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(&&&)
    Paul it will be alright you know we are here for you and hopefully it works out
     
    #5 Ronnie92, Aug 22, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2008
  6. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    (*hug*)

    This is a very difficult thing to go through, Paul. I know, because I've been there too.

    My wife and I split after 9 years together. We both loved each other, but we came to understand that we simply couldn't stay together given our situation. (And she came to that conclusion before I did, actually.) What allowed us to maintain the positive relationship that we had was we had learned (with the help of our counsellor) to communicate effectively. Be honest, but not judgemental. Express how you're feeling, not what the other person should have done instead.

    I hope it goes well. You both deserve all the happiness in the world.

    And as already stated, 17 years together (even 15 'good' years together) is something that you should be very proud of. It is a wonderful accomplishment, and it demonstrates that you and Markie both are caring and compasionate people that can 'work' in a loving and committed relationship. There are a lot of guys out there looking for someone like that.

    Good luck. We're all here for you - as you've been here for us all this time.
     
    #6 Jim1454, Aug 22, 2008
  7. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

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    We have talked some more. He does seem better now. His friend advised him not to do things like selling the house and moving out in haste, but to work things out properly. Good advice and exactly the approach I want us to take.

    He still wants us to go our own ways and not remain living together, which is fair enough. We are talking about starting to sell the house and sorting things out in the new year, which seems sensible to me. Later this year we will sort out separate bank accounts etc.

    He earns considerably less than me so financially he is going to have more problems there. I have assured him that I will help him financially for a while (I suggested up to a year) and that whatever money we have when the house is sold will be split equally. We'll also get his credit card paid off. He was worried that he would be just thrown out or whatever which is not going to happen. He is obviously going to have to get more hours or a second job in due course though.

    So it seems that he has now accepted the situation and is onto the practical aspects of how to make it happen and work. He is probably still upset under the surface, but overall he seems to be handling it OK.

    He wants Duke to go with him if possible. Duke is more his cat than mine anyway so I'm OK with that. I'd need a new avatar then.... :slight_smile:

    We have a holiday to the Isle of Wight booked for 6th to 13th September, and he still wants us to both go. I did say that if he preferred one or other of us could go to get time apart, so if he wanted to go with a friend instead that was fine, but at the moment he says it is us going.

    He has now gone out to see another friend. He is also going to try to get a few days off next week to go and see his family. I'm sure he'll be spending more time with friends and family over the next few weeks. I hope so as they will help and support him. We both need friends now.
     
    #7 Paul_UK, Aug 22, 2008
  8. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    Paul, I'm so sorry. I hope you and Markie can communicate in a positive way. If you can't stay together, then at least part as friends. (*hug*)
     
    #8 beckyg, Aug 22, 2008
  9. Louise

    Louise
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    I don't know what to say... that's a new one for me. I have recently been through this with my husband (in february) there is nothing that I can say to help, this is just really hard, basically you just have to tuck your head down, keep on trudging forwards and time will do the rest. Be strong. (*hug*)
     
    #9 Louise, Aug 22, 2008
  10. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

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    Thanks all.

    I am hoping we can follow Jim's lead and sort things out amicably while remaining friends. There is nothing to fight about.
     
    #10 Paul_UK, Aug 22, 2008
  11. Martin

    Martin
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    You have done the right thing. In the long run it's best for both of you. (*hug*)
     
    #11 Martin, Aug 22, 2008
  12. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Congratulations. It's never a good thing when a relationship ends, but you can at least try to make the parting as smooth and painless as possible. And it appears you're doing just that. (*hug*)

    Lex
     
    #12 Lexington, Aug 22, 2008
  13. snapcat

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    Paul, my thoughts and prayers are with you! This must be an especially difficult time, and I wish you all the best as you both sort through this part of your lives, and move on to what waits you down the road.

    Much love to you, buddy!(*hug*)
     
    #13 snapcat, Aug 22, 2008
  14. jazzrawr

    jazzrawr
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    Aww, Paul.
    You definately did the right thing.
    I hope things are ok between you guys in the future, and you can find someone who will make you happy again. :slight_smile:
    :hug:
     
    #14 jazzrawr, Aug 22, 2008
  15. s5m1

    s5m1
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    Paul, I am sorry to hear about this. As much as you know it is the right decision for you, it is still not easy. My ex and I were together for about 15 years when we split. While it may take a while, you will eventually be happy you made the decision. Remaining in an unhappy relationship is very painful. We remained in the same house for about 2 months before we were able to separate. I felt enormous relief once we were not living together. I am sure you will too. Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
     
    #15 s5m1, Aug 22, 2008
  16. pirateninja

    pirateninja
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    Although, splitting up is not the best of things to go through (and thats putting it lightly), it is always better to sort it out amicably. I'm glad to see that you are both trying to work out the most practical way of going about things. Unfortunately, relationships break down, but this way the least amount of hurt should arise.

    My best to both you and Markie (and Duke) for the future.
     
    #16 pirateninja, Aug 22, 2008
  17. Level N Human

    Level N Human
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    Hello Paul, I'm never very personal around EC, but I just wanted to say that you've given so many people a great supportive community - and so I want you to know that although you are in unfortunate circumstances, you've got the hopes of this stranger here; hope everything should go smoothly for you.
     
    #17 Level N Human, Aug 22, 2008
  18. interstella

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    *mega hugs*
    I'm sorry. You did the right thing, though.
     
    #18 interstella, Aug 22, 2008
  19. Blaz

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    I'm very sorry Paul, and I know that sometimes it is better for people to learn and to move on.

    Bu Duke, not him. . .:frowning2:. . .he's like EC's mascot. . .
     
    #19 Blaz, Aug 22, 2008
  20. nodoubtjunkie

    nodoubtjunkie Guest

    (*hug*)

    that's all i can think of.
     
    #20 nodoubtjunkie, Aug 22, 2008
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