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How to tell my parents I'm Bi? Brother has already come out as gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by understated1991, Jun 16, 2014.

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  1. understated1991

    understated1991
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    Hello, thanks in advance for this wonderful forum - I will try to be as brief as I can.

    My parents are both quite religious (Christian), and as long as I can remember, they've always viewed homosexuality as sinful/wrong.

    A few years ago, my older brother who is now 26 (only sibling) told me he was gay, and this past April, he came out to my parents via (an extremely long and thoughtful) email. My mother simply replied to his email writing "I love you" and they have never spoken about it since. My father and he have talked about it over the phone, and my father has said that it is not something which would be easy for him or my mom, but that he will always love my brother, and accepts that they must agree to disagree on the topic. They have not talked about it since.

    I am 23, in the past I had a 3 yr long relationship with a girl (when i was 18 - 21), we lived together at one point but broke up almost two years ago. Currently I am dating a guy, we've been seeing eachother for almost 4 months and it's getting fairly serious - we now consider each other "boyfriends." I'm so happy about this relationship and don't want to do which may ruin it (ie. not coming out to my parents). I also feel strange, lying by omission about this part of my life when visiting my parents or when they ask me what's new.

    I would like to tell them, but I am very nervous about jeopardizing my relationship with them and/or hurting them. I know that this is not the path which they envisioned or wanted for their sons, and I think it will be very hard/disappointing for them to know that I'm currently with a guy. Especially since my older brother is completely gay, I feel a heavier weight to be with a girl and have the "conventional" lifestyle they would want.

    I'm anticipating that they will either react similar to the way they did with my brother, or that they will be more confused because I used to have a girlfriend - and I'm really nervous about trying to explain myself.

    Any advice as to how to work through this would be helpful. I want to tell them relatively soon if possible, as I feel that inevitably it will be difficult to keep these two parts of my life separate and is just stressful to do so.

    Thanks!
     
    #1 understated1991, Jun 16, 2014
  2. Clay

    Clay
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    You shouldn't feel like you have the burden of being with a girl because of them, and by the looks of it they'll love you regardless.
     
    #2 Clay, Jun 16, 2014
  3. Nychthemeron

    Nychthemeron
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    Your mother told your brother that she loved him. You said yourself that you think she may react the same way.

    "I love you," she'd say.

    Parents who love their children will not force their ideals and envisioned paths unto them. They won't be disappointed, and they won't be hurt. They may struggle, but they will eventually accept it. And when they do, you can bet they'll support you all the way. They won't care about grandchildren. They care about you.

    The best thing to do is to come out naturally. Don't plan it. Don't stress about it. Just jump on the opportunity when it presents itself. Don't try to force one to pop up, or you may feel awkward and even more stressed. When your coming out comes naturally, it may still be stressful and awkward, but it's going to be less intense. And when you do find the opportunity, don't read from a mental script. Just say your words. Say what you feel. I think it's better that way.

    If they're confused, ask them if they have any questions, then answer them.

    I also found it's helpful to come out to a sibling first. I'm not sure if you're already out to your brother, but if you aren't, you should consider going to him first. He may have better advice on coming out and he may be able to be there with you when you decide to come out. Some people find it uncomfortable, but if you think his presence will help, try asking him.

    Regardless of what you do and what's the outcome, know that your parents don't decide how your life goes. They may have raised and nurtured you, but it's your life and not theirs. You probably know that, but I figured I should post it anyway.

    Good luck, don't force yourself, and I wish you the best!
     
    #3 Nychthemeron, Jun 16, 2014
  4. Yossarian

    Yossarian
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    Please do not marry someone simply because you think your parents expect it of you. They only want you to have a happy life and mistakenly think that is what will make you happy. You need to tell them about yourself and tell them what will make you happy; sooner rather than later, before you let this problem of not telling them cause problems between you and your boyfriend. Get your brother to help you explain yourself and about what it means to be gay, if he will (which of course means come out to him first and let him help you).
     
    #4 Yossarian, Jun 16, 2014
  5. PlantSoul

    PlantSoul
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    I think that you should tell them. If they showed understanding towards your brother, they'll more than likely treat you the same.
     
    #5 PlantSoul, Jun 19, 2014
  6. Aaron82

    Aaron82 Guest

    This is your live not your parents. They will love you no metter what. Your love for your BF in the most important thing for you right now - remember that. You will see everything will be ok.
     
    #6 Aaron82, Jun 19, 2014
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