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coming out to my husband

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by admeaz0123, Jun 17, 2014.

  1. admeaz0123

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    Hi everyone,
    I've been browsing on here and you all seem like such an inspiring bunch of people so I thought I'd share my story. I really need some advice so please, let me know your thoughts. I'm 25 and have a common-law husband and a 2.5 year old daughter. I've known I was a lesbian for a long time but I've never been comfortable with it. I've only had 1 previous relationship before the one I'm in now. It was with a guy I was really close with and it lasted almost 6 years. It was mostly about not wanting to be alone and to give myself a shield so other people wouldn't start asking questions. I didn't have the courage to pursue girls I liked and my BF chose me and I said yes. I didn't want to wait until someone more compatible liked me and I sure wasn't falling for any boys on my own. But I was 16 at this time so I made plenty of stupid judgement calls. Fast forward almost 6 years and I finally found the courage to tell him I was a lesbian. We remained friends and he moved out of our house, I stayed there. Not even weeks later, I was finally feeling ready to try meeting someone but then this new guy started at my work and he was crazy about me. I did nothing to lead him on but he was so persistent at asking me out, even though I told him I just left my long time BF to be with women, that I said yes to a group hang out with some of his friends. Now to add some context, I'm quite the hermit. I don't have any friends and I don't go out to socialize. So at the time I was eager to meet anyone new. Still recovering from the breakup and all the emotional baggage, I said yes to an actual date after the first hang out. We were a good match and I figured I should at least try being with another guy before I make the switch for good just so I knew for sure I was making the right call. Looking back, there was no point, I already knew but I had no one else in my life who wanted me and it felt good to be desired. I basically just wanted to "hookup" and move on but what do you know.. the condom breaks the first time and 3 weeks later I'm peeing on a stick that's telling me I'm pregnant. My option were a) abortion, which was not even a thought, I personally could never do that or b) be a single mother at 23 which was terrifying to think about or c) commit to having a family and see where it goes, which is what I did. He was excited, said all he ever wanted was a wife and a family. So I pretended that my desire for women never existed. I made a full on commitment to my family and I have a perfect angel of a daughter now and no matter what happens, I'm just so thankful she happened, accident or not. But my husband on the other hand.. We were never going to work out. From day 1 I knew that but for the sake of my daughter, I had to try and give her a father. And then my Dad got sick. He had brain cancer that was discovered while I was pregnant and after a 2 year battle, he passed away. It flipped my world upside down. I can't keep hiding who I am. Life is too short to spend lying to everyone that matters and dragging them down with me because I'm too scared to tell the truth. The thing is, I want another baby so badly and we've been discussing it, about trying in the fall. But the past few years, I've acknowledged to myself that I'm gay, not bi, not just curious and no, it won't pass me by with time. I've know since I was 4 and I just kept denying, hiding and doing the opposite things that I should have done to overcompensate. But I'm trapped in this family that feels so wrong and I couldn't live with myself if I tricked my husband into having another baby. So by giving up on that dream, I feel I don't have a choice but to tell him why we can't have more kids. And that will be the end. I'll have to take my daughter's father from her like mine was taken from me. I feel it might be easier to continue living like this so my daughter doesn't have to learn to live without a Dad (or only see him on half the holidays and on weekends). I makes me sick that I did this to myself but I'm not the only one suffering anymore. I need to do something fast before it will only get harder for family to deal with. I'm so torn... Please, if you read this (thank you!) I could really use some feedback.
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    Hi there. I'm unfamiliar with adulthood, but I do have some advice on coming out.

    Is your husband LGBTQ friendly? If you don't know and you're uncomfortable with asking him out-right, you can always scout out some LGBTQ stories and share them with him. Just casually mention a successful gay marriage or maybe mention that one of your old friends came out as gay (even if you don't have one, hah). By his reactions, you may be able to predict how you should go about your coming out. Cautiously? Gently? Casually? And so on.

    If he does turn out to be homophobic, perhaps you can get some friends to support you while you come out to him. However, if he loves you, there's a chance that he will react less badly even if he is homophobic.

    Sorry if this sounds a little rough. I wish you and your family the best of luck.
     
  3. admeaz0123

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    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. My husband is actually very supportive of LGBTQ situations all around. His older sister (who had 3 kids before coming out) came out as a lesbian and he's very close with her. Actually, when we were first getting involved and were talking about how I was "almost a lesbian" before he knocked me up, he said "please don't ever leave me for a woman like my sister did with [the father of her kids]" and I said I'd never do that. That's not what I'm doing because I don't have anyone in particular.. I just want to be open to the chance that I'll meet someone. But regardless, I feel guilty about that all the time because I knew as I was saying it that it felt like a lie.

    I also wanted to mention that for the majority of our relationship, he's been in and out of work and I've been providing for the family and carrying his weight, which is a big issue to me because if I end up coming out to him and we split up, I don't have the money to hire a lawyer and he doesn't even have a job now so he won't pay me back anything he owes me. And I can't afford to live in my house alone but I don't have a penny to spare to fix the place up to sell it either. I feel like no matter what I do, I've failed. I know none of that has to do with being gay haha.. It's just another thing keeping me from coming out because maybe if I don't or maybe if I wait a bit, he'll get work and be able to relieve me a bit financially so we can break up without going bankrupt.. OH LIFE!!
     
  4. Nychthemeron

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    Is it possible that you would be able to live with him after you come out?

    I read about a couple whose sexualities were incompatible, but they still managed to keep a happy family. Not quite sure what the sexualities were, but I suppose it's similar enough. As long as your husband trusts you and you trust your husband, then I believe it's quite possible to not file a divorce. He may claim to love you, but if he really loves you, then he would want the best for you and wouldn't mind if you kept an open mind.

    It's really great that he's supportive of the LGBTQ community. You mentioned that he expressed insecurities before, but I imagine that was quite a while ago. There's a very large chance that he has changed his mind or has developed more security within himself and you. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is just assure him that he needs to trust you, and you'll have to trust him. If you two can't, then you can always do it for your daughter. You mentioned it may even be easier if you don't come out, but listen - if you're stressed, then chances are, your daughter may pick up on it. Mothers are one of the most influential people in our lives - they gave birth to us.

    So, if you're unsure about everything else, please be assured that you're very important and that you are a wonderful, amazing mother if you are willing to put up with your own problems for your child.

    I apologize if this sounded even more disorganized than the first post, haha. I'm unaware of things like finance and parental responsibilities, but I hope this helped, if only just a little.
     
  5. DancingGirl

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    So I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I too am married to a man. Two years ago I discovered my queerness. I loved him very much at one time but that love is gone now. We have similar financial issues. We also have two children together. 11 years of marriage. I have no real advice for you. Just reaching out. I just joined and am looking for comfort in knowing I am not alone in this journey.
     
  6. admeaz0123

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    Thank you, Nychthemeron... I burst into tears reading your reply. I really appreciate the support. The more time that goes by, the more I feel I can't bury this secret. It's unbearable. Falling asleep crying at night because of how guilty I feel.. You're right though. My daughter isn't even 3 yet and she can sense something. I try not to let it interfere with her but every now and then I fall apart and cry in front of here and she rubs my face and kises my eyes and says "you ok mama?" and it breaks me heart
     
  7. HTBO

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    I feel your pain. I was married for 9 years with kids, and I didn't realize I was a lesbian until last September/October. I did come out to him and he was fairly accepting and now we live as roommates. Not exactly ideal, but it works. If he is deeply in love with you, I don't know how well the roommate thing would work in your situation. I know for myself, I was so deep in the closet I didn't know, but now that I do, I want my life, I want meet people, and someone special. It would be more difficult if my ex had a lot of feelings for me, but we had grown apart years ago and were already more friends than anything else.
    I know how difficult it is to live with that lie, it eats you up, and the guilt is overwhelming and unbearable. It sounds like you are at a point where changes are needed. Don't worry about your daughter too much, she is young and it's better to make the changes now and have her grow up with whatever will be normal for you guys. You won't need to 'come out' to her really, she'll grow up knowing that both mommy and daddy like girls. It's a good age for her to be. Even if she is upset, she probably won't remember later as long as you guys remain calm and civil with one another.