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in love with my straight friend and i am gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Kevinb, Jun 18, 2014.

  1. Kevinb

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    hey guys this is my first Post on this forum:smilewave! I am gay & no one knows i have not come out to anyone, i wish i was straight like a normal person every single day, it drives me crazy for being like this, i just want to be normal & love girls enjoy the normal stuff in life.
    So my story is about this Guy i first saw with one of my good friends 3 or 4 years back & i thought he was cute and that's all. We dint talk much, slowly i got to know him more & i suddenly had this crush on him which was normal and i could handle it cause i knew he is straight. Few months down he left for his college, But now he is back after 1 year and it still stayed normal with him, then he started calling me to hangout (not alone with other friends too) and texting me, more & more we hang out i noticed few things like he looks at me every time, if bunch of us go out to grab some drinks he would sit next to me or on the opposite side of me an i can see he looks at me from the corner of my eye & if i look at him he would look away, even if we are standing out he would come stand next to me, i have tried to sit so close to him that our hands or legs just touch little and he wouldn't move away, In all this he talks about Hot girls and says look at that ass, i know he is dated few girls which last only few months i know he is very much straight & i also know he had sex recently. The problem is i text him now all the time he does it too but his replies are like he is being safe and wont express much, He agrees to go watch movies, have dinner alone just the two of us, all this made me fall for him and its driving me crazy. When he speaks to girls or guys i get so jealous it gets me stressed, i if i dint know where he is i think he with some one i get stressed again. But i know there is no future in this but just when i try to like move on i catch him staring at me i look at him, he looks away, sometimes he looks at me many times i even lose count. At times i look at him and he catches me i just smile back and look away, if i get close to any other guy/girl jokingly he does react like he is irritated:tantrum:. Out of the blue he will just call me just to talk for long time not hours yet! Once he even kissed me on the cheeks when he was drunk which we never spoke about it cause its normal i guess, Our friends say you guys are always together but his reaction is nothing but a smile, So after all this i think about him every day when i wake up, when i sleep, when i eat, everything i do i think about him. So what do i do now from here? i am not gona tell him i am gay that's just not possible. Where do i go from here? i have tried so much for some reaction but that kiss from him was the only happy part Or am i just thinking to much and he is just being a very good friend?:bang:
     
    #1 Kevinb, Jun 18, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2014
  2. finebime

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    Hmmm... That's a tough situation. On one hand, if you risk telling him how you feel, you risk losing someone you care about a lot. On the other hand, it sure sounds like there might be something there.
    In my experience, straight guys don't just sit and talk on the phone, though. And a kiss on the cheek, even if he was drunk, may be a sign that he's not as straight as he thinks he is.
     
  3. Kevinb

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    thanks for your reply :icon_bigg i try my best to stay away but that never works out! i guess he's not as straight as he thinks he is & scared to admit it!
     
  4. finebime

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    It could be that he is in the closet as well, and terrified of coming out. If he's really attracted to women, like he's claiming he is, he might be bisexual.
     
  5. WriterGoddess

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    Ah . . . crushes on straight people. They're like blood in the mouth - you never really get the taste out.

    I'm with finebime - that really is a tough situation, but it looks like there might be something there. Is there any way you could talk to him about some of the stuff that he does? Communication could go a long way into figuring out what's up on his end.

    In addition, do you know his views on homosexuality? Maybe knowing what he thought about it might provide some insight as well.
     
  6. Kevinb

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    amm how would i even bring up the stuff he does? To the world we are two straight guys! he is fine with gay people not complained about it

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 06:19 AM ----------

    How to go ahead with communication is a hard task
     
  7. Yossarian

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    You say, "I'm not going to tell him I am gay, that's just not possible". Yet you just said you are gay. Where can you imagine this is going to go if you are not going to tell him that you are gay? There is nowhere it can "go" unless you take the first step and are honest with him about who you are. Otherwise, all you can do is pretend to be straight and treat him like one straight man would treat another, as just friends and nothing more, no matter what he does while he is drunk. It doesn't even matter what he does when he is drunk, or what he really thinks about you, because when he sobers up, you are still going to be pretending to be straight and thus "off-limits" to him, even if he is secretly gay. You are in the closet; nothing good happens for a gay man in the closet; it can only happen if you come out, and maybe not then, but at least you open the possibility of finding someone you love when you open that door.

    It is possible to know that you are gay, but not want to acknowledge and accept the consequences, one of which is that you are never going to have a happy relationship with another man unless you come out, at the very least, to him. It is not pleasant, but it is reality. You need to think about yourself and the fact that you are gay, and decide whether you want to be hung up and unable to have honest relationships with other gay men or pretend to be straight and not have open access to them. It is your decision to make, but my advice from the experience of what happens when you don't align your persona with your true personality, is to try to accept who you are and show it to others, so they can experience and interact with the real you.
     
  8. chi29

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    You did say that you guys talk a lot on the phone and that you sometimes go out on dinner, maybe thats a good place to slide the topic in and know the answers.
     
  9. Kevinb

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    i agree Yossarian, but its hard if it doesn't work out, it changes my life and gives him a different kind of view towards me!chi29 i think one of these days i will tell him i like him.
     
  10. chi29

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    Ok, hopefully what you do would make you happier in the long run
     
  11. Yossarian

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    It isn't just about this guy and your relationship to him; it is about how you want to live the rest of your life, with or without him. Whether or not this works out with him, you need to be able to meet people who are like yourself, and interact honestly with them, if you are ever going to have a happy relationship with anyone. That is going to be extremely difficult if you keep pretending you are straight to all the people you know or are yet to meet.

    Why don't you tell us what you are so afraid of in your current situation that is preventing you from coming out in general; maybe someone could help you deal with that.
     
  12. PatrickUK

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    It's hard to know for definite as we only have your side of the story, but I do wonder if you are both in exactly the same place? What I mean is you're both spending more time together... you like him, he likes you... you're not telling, he's not telling... you sit close, he sits close... you get jealous, he gets jealous... you're looking at him, he's looking at you. More to the point, he kissed you once (even if he was drunk). Is any of this adding up?

    It's going to require one of you to say something to break this circle. Who will blink first?

    You don't have to come straight out with a proclamation of undying love for him, but I think you need to find a way of checking out what's happening between the two of you. Have a think about it and share your ideas with us.
     
  13. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Kevinb

    Firstly welcome to EC, it’s been a great help to me over the last year and I’m sure you will get a lot out of it as well. I found the more honest I was at revealing my feelings to the group the better and more specific the support I received from others.

    I have assumed you live in a country where you are not subject to religious intolerance and being gay is not a huge issue, but if I have assumed wrong please let us know because it will help us better advise you. It’s also not clear if it's just that you don’t want to tell your friend you’re gay because you are frightened it will destroy what you have OR if you don’t want to tell anyone you’re gay, perhaps you could clear this up for us. If it’s the case you don’t want to tell anyone could it be that you are still struggling with your own sexuality.

    You said “i know he is dated few girls which last only few months i know he is very much straight & i also know he had sex recently”. I’ve dated girls, had sex with them, and even married one, but I’m gay, so his actions do not exclude the possibility that he is gay / bi.

    In the early 80’s when I was younger and before I was married I did develop what I suppose today would be called a “Bromance” with a friend. We became very close but he never made an obvious move on me possibly because he had not accepted he was gay at that time, and I never thought of doing anything with him because I had not realised I was gay. Having said that on one occasion just the two of us went alone to stay at his parent’s holiday home for the weekend and during a late-night conversation, after returning from the bathroom, I found a bottle of baby lotion had appeared on the table between the two of us (Was this a coded message?). I ignored it but did wonder if he was trying to initiate something and the conversation did get a little weird but he never said he was attracted to me or talk of experimenting etc. Shortly afterwards we went to separate beds and nothing was ever said about it again and he eventually moved to a different part of the country and our friendship was lost. I later learnt that he was gay, and in hindsight, I suppose he sensed that I may also be gay but not know it and was hoping something would develop between us.

    If you are reluctant to tell you friend you’re gay perhaps you could find some “Coded Message” appropriate to the situation you’re in. Possibly if just the 2 of you are in a shopping mall you could allow your friend to see you checking out other guys or perhaps looking at, or in the direction of, a gay magazine in a news agent. Another possibility is to create a music play list composed of known gay artists or songs. Perhaps this is a little extreme but when you are looking at each other intently you could allow your gaze to drift down towards his package and slowly back up and see how he reacts.

    Please don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers as I did all those years ago. If my friend had been more direct in his approach my internalised homophobia may have found it harder to resist and we could have had a fantastic future together.


    Hope this helps

    Sale Gay Guy
     
    #13 SaleGayGuy, Jun 19, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2014
  14. Kevinb

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    Thanks for your reply guys! Yossarian i am afraid of being accepted by my friends, my parents, how things will change with everyone & how i will be narrowed out cause every one is very narrow minded, cause i have seen how they treat other people who seem gay to them by making fun of them, where i stay there are NO gay people (that i know of) or gay places or gay pubs to meet people, So even if i do come out i am not gonna met anyone like me(like i am an alien). Linco i would love to know the other side to his story but i know i will never know that cause i don't know how to do that, Yesterday when we where hanging out i just wanted to hug or kiss him, i kept looking at him & he even saw me looking at him the first time, he asked me what? i said nothing with a smile, again he saw me he asked me what i wanted i said nothing with a smile. again i saw him look at me 2 or 3 times but he looked away, then there was a time i looked at him & he looked at me no smiles but i dint say anything & he dint too there was no reaction nothing just blank for 3 4 seconds with seemed like for ever & this happened twice & we looked away. i don't want to come out to him to spoil everything, i want to know whats happening but non of my ideas have worked, i have tried staying with him till all my friends leave & its just the two of us but he just talks a bit an leaves, i have tried this a few times even did little flirting but he doesn't show me any sign.(maybe i need some new moves) I really have no idea what to do. SaleGayGuy thank you very much for welcoming me here & to talk to some one & know someone is listing its a feeling i never had till now so i thank you guys! i live in a Muslim country so you get the picture, being gay is not an issue but its not advertised here( i am a christian). I am very much frightened YES it will destroy my friendship with him & the whole circle we are related too, that's one of the reason i don't want to come out. Struggling yes but i have tried dating girls & its never turned me on so i am not even BI which is also so disappointing . i had opportunity to be alone in his house just the two of us but he dint invite me in, there was a time i did go to his house for him to change but i dint do much of it cause he changed in his room:bang: . In malls i have seen him look at cute guys and seen him look at girls too, there are no Gay Mags around lol for that, look at his package and look back up :lol: i dono if i should do that.

    Yesterday night was such a down point suddenly when i am alone with him i am struggling to make conversation with him cause i get nervous. Yesterday i messaged him a abuse, he said what i did now i replied saying "you never do anything that's the problem", but he replied by telling me he found this girl really cute and that just go me so upset, feeling of depression at its peak!
    But when i went to sleep i got up so up set that i wanted to message him i love you! but i dint i went back to sleep then i dreamed of some thing like this from ugly betty Ugly Betty - S04E16 - Justin - Kiss - YouTube we where in some birthday party & we danced everyone was looking best coming out - YouTube & we kissed. The happiness i woke up after that i haven't felt in my life in a very very long time. With last nights topic "i like this girl and she is cute" i don't want to met him again or hangout with him i want to stay away but i don't know how that's going to work out cause i cant wait for him to message me today!:icon_sad:
     
    #14 Kevinb, Jun 20, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2014
  15. Yossarian

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    Kevin,

    Everyone who realizes they are gay thinks exactly the same things you are thinking. What will other people think about ME? How will they treat me once they know I am gay? Will they make fun of me overtly or behind my back? How will I ever meet anyone like me when I don't see any of them anywhere? All of these things have to do with the "context" you are living in. You do NOT have to stay there the rest of your life. The world is a big place, where people who are gay like you are everywhere, and some places where they congregate and flourish. You need to formulate a plan to leave the narrow-minded context you are living in and move to a more accepting place. While you are working on that, you should also work on yourself to make sure that you are not ashamed of yourself simply because other people are bigoted and prejudiced and ignorant about homosexuality. What they think is not important once you are away from they, but what you think is.

    It sounds like the best thing for you to do is focus on how you can move to a happier place for you, where you can meet people who are gay like you, and live openly as you are. When you have established yourself and are living independently, you can then come out if you want to to your parents, and any friends from your past you want to give a chance to know you as you really are. By then you should have built a circle of friends who enjoy being around the real you, and who accept you as you are.
     
  16. Kevinb

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    i will try that out!
     
  17. Kevinb

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    :confused: any advice guys?
     
  18. Kevinb

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    looks like i am on a path of self destruction and depression, nothing is improving
     
  19. PatrickUK

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    Can you try to explain what you mean by "self destruction". Has there been any progress at all since you last wrote?
     
  20. Mattx

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    Wow your in the same situation as me .. I'm a guy and have a friend named Dalton we always stare at each other and he always playfully punches me . I realllllly want to tell him how I feel but I don't know how he feels either and I don't mess everything up. I kinda want someone to message him on Facebook and ask him if he's into guys .ugh life sucks