1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

a top, but not much of one. I cant top my bf into orgasm

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Suede, Aug 24, 2008.

  1. Suede

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pacific north west
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel inadequate in bed. I feel like a bumbler. I love to make love to boys, more than anything in life. But i dont feel like a good lover. I feel that i should be able to get my partner OFF while making love to him, not when masturbating him afterwards.

    ..He thinks basically the same.

    I orgasm from oral before, but even with the full ten minutes of holding his member, masturbating it, while topping him..i cant get him to cim 9 out of 10 times.

    I dont know what to do. I feel like a failure.

    and btyw..yeah, the avatar means im a furry. a cartoon loving fag.
     
  2. Louise

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    France
    Ok, I'm a girl and straight but some things are the same for all of us. As far as I can see part of your problem is in your definition of making love. You make it sound as though making love is the act of penetration nothing more nothing less.

    I do not agree with this, making love is giving pleasure to your partner, learning about his body, learning what he likes, adapting and improving your techniques to suit his tastes. If you spend half an hour in bed with your man kissing, cuddling, caressing, sometimes penetrating, sometimes sucking, sometimes touching and you have a feeling of closeness, love, joy and pleasure which culminates in you both coming then that is making love. If your parnter enjoys recieving and you enjoy giving then concerntrate on your technique and include a few games or toys to add a bit of variety. Maybe stimulate your b/f with a toy and then 'finish him off' yourself. There are no ends of possibilities.

    If endurance is a problem for you there are excercises you can do by strengthening the muscle (can't remember the name of it) between your penis and your anus which will help you have better control of your ejaculation. Basically you tighten this muscle as though when you are having a pee you stop the flow of urine and then let it flow again. You don't only have to do this excersize when peeing you can do it at any time, start with 10 muscle contractions and work your way up and do them several times a day. You should see a marked improvement in control in just a few weeks.

    If you think that technique might be your problem then you need to talk with your b/f about what he likes, look at some porn together and see if this can give you some ideas or help you define what excites you.

    Psychological games and preparation play an enormous role in lovemaking as well. If you are in a sexy mind set and raring to go then play some games to prolong the agony you will be both so gaging for it ( sorry if that is a bit crude) that things will come together by themselves.

    A long sensual cuddle can really get you in the mood, you feel like making love but you don't let yourselves, you hold off as long as possible by which time you are both feeling so horny you are almost there anyway and lovemaking becomes so much more passionate not to say frenetic. If you go to bed thinking God I'm a poor lover, you are already in a negative mindset which will show itself in your lovemaking.

    Oh by the way lovemaking takes two, your partner also has a role to play in helping you to give him pleasure, if you don't get feed back from him, how are you to know what he likes. Does he let you know? Try to be attentive to his reactions or sounds that he might make as you make love to him and guage his responses. If you apply yourself your lovemaking skills can improve throughout your life; it is a bit like riding a bike, everyone learns but most people stop at being able to stay upright and pedal along the roads, others work at it and become fantastic stunt riders, just go down to any skate park and you will see what I mean. If you put in the effort, if you want to be a good lover you can be but first you need to define what you mean by 'making love'.
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A cartoon-loving fag? Didn't know there was such a thing. :wink: Louise hits many of the main points, but I'll just emphasize a few.

    Your boyfriend sounds either inexperienced or selfish - I'm not sure which. The bottom's "job" isn't to lie there and say "get me off". Guys are built differently, they've got different "switches", they have different ways of tripping them. Some guys need to be on top, some guys need to look at their partner, some guys need to be lying face down. Some guys need to gently nudged along, some guys prefer you to be more forceful.

    If your boyfriend is experienced, he should know what he likes, and he shouldn't just sit there waiting for you to figure it out. He should tell you precisely what he likes, and give you actually cues as to what will help. "Now go deeper, now slow down, now touch me here."

    If your boyfriend is new at this, then you're going to have to find out together what gets him off. Don't look at it as some sort of chore, however, because finding out involves lots of sex. :grin: Try some things out. Have him lie face up with a pillow under the small of his back. Try lying face up on the bed, and having him straddle you. Try it standing up (the shower's a good place), with him just leaning over. While you're doing it, stroke him. Gently massage or tickle his scrotum. Rub his back, with tickly or firm strokes. Lick his ear. Talk dirty. Be more vocal. Moan. Speed up. Slow down. Alternate shallow and deep thrusts. Change your "angle of attack" every once in awhile. And while you do all this, make sure he's giving feedback. You're probably not going to know exactly what's working and what isn't, so he's going to have to let you know if he wants more of this or less of that.

    If he's willing, you'll figure it. And it's a lot of fun figuring it out. :slight_smile: Good luck, fellow furry.

    Lex
     
  4. BitterEdge

    BitterEdge Guest


    hahaha...don't feel like a failure my first time with a guy I couldn't get off, I think it might be him being nervous more than anything else.
     
  5. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Ok... I have a solution. It's pretty controversial, and rather explicite, so I'm not sure I'm supposed to even share it here on EC...

    TALK TO EACH OTHER!

    Lex has it right. (Again.) Everyone is different. You may need to reset your expectations in terms of what you should be able to accomlish on your own! And your partner needs to tell you what is working and what isn't. (And I also agree that the 'bottom' should be involved a little bit... it shouldn't all rest with you! Gosh - that's a little like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time, isn't it? :lol:slight_smile:

    The reality for me (and brace yourself people... this may fall into the TMI category) is that I almost NEVER cum when stimulated by someone else. And sometimes even I can't get myself off! Medication that I'm taking affects my sex drive, as well as 'the plumbing', and that's simply a reality for me. I've made it very clear to my partner that it has nothing to do with him, or whether or not I'm turned on. So we will often finish without me 'finishing'. And that's totally OK with both of us.

    The fact is that we love each other, and our sex life is just one aspect of our relationship. And as Louise put it, making love is very different from just having sex.
     
  6. Suede

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pacific north west
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I just want to make my guy happy, thats it, thats it. To make him cum. And to him..apparently cumming from being topped and jerked off is all that matters.

    hes already cheated on me, three different guys, that he admits to. so this is very important to me.
     
  7. Louise

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    France
    Well unless your partner participates a bit in the proceedings I can't really see how you can. Have you thought about changing positions every few minutes, changing the rythme. If you don't want to work on the back ground setting just jump right in there and screw him of course it is going to be difficult.

    That is some guy you have there who just wants to be topped and jerked off to be happy and is already cheating on you!!! You are worth SOOOOOO much more than that!
     
  8. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So rather than show you how to get him off, or experiment with various techniques that might get him off, he just said "Screw it - I'll go sleep with other guys". That doesn't make you a lousy top. That just makes him an asshole.

    If making him cum by topping him was really all that matters, he would've broken up with you long ago and gone searching for someone else. The fact that he hasn't doesn't mean he's "better than that". It means he feels he can justify cheating on you whenever he wants, because he's got you feeling inadequate.

    You're better than that. Kick his tail (furry or otherwise) to the curb. There are plenty of other guys out there who will greatly appreciate a top who's willing to put in the time, effort and experimentation to find the best way to please them. This guy's not worth the effort.

    Lex
     
  9. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Um... It seems to me that you're looking for advice on sex and not your relationship. There are probably more appropriate forums for that.

    From a relationship perspective, this guy is a loser and you deserve better. But the fact that you're not bothered by him cheating on you suggests that you're not really looking for a relationship yourself. Just a sex partner.

    Being gay man doesn't mean that casual sex is a given. It isn't. SOME gay men have open relationships - and that's OK. But you've characterized this as 'cheating' and that's not excusable for anyone.