It’s really hard for me to talk about my gender confusion with people. I’m not sure it’s confusion though, and that’s why I’ve decided to come out. I know who I am and it’s the person I’ve been since I was little. With all the councilors, teachers, and family members I told as a kid I’m surprised nobody but my step father (who beat me) caught on. I’ve decided that even though I’m going to be marching off to college soon that I want to come out as transgendered to my mom. I’ve already told my sister and she’s fine with it, but it will be more complicated with my mom. I don’t want to have to just stop contacting them all together and if I come out sooner rather than later then I can get a head start before I join college. I feel like I’d be a little more convincing with a bit of practice. I want to ease into it, take baby steps, you know? Sometimes I think I should come out all at once. I think she’s started to wonder about the subject (I’m growing my hair out, trying to drop weight, work on my voice, etc.) and I think I want her to come to the realization on her own. This may be as simple as just looking a little more effeminate, because on an appearance level I’d pass very well, and when somebody comes home to discover their son looks like a girl the natural reaction is to be curious. I already look a bit like a girl to begin with though, aside from the shoulders (there not too wide, but definitely what will give me the most trouble passing.), and it might be better to find another way or to use multiple methods. I’m curious to see if anybody has any ideas that might be useful and send the right message. I’ve considered using a letter, but I’d prefer to have a face to face interaction. Thank you all so much; this sight has been so helpful and supportive.
You could use a letter, but only have it say that you need to talk. If you are working on looking more feminine, there is a good chance that she has began to suspect something. If you want her to find out for herself, you could just keep doing what you're doing, and she would probably catch on eventually. If that doesn't seem to work, you could do something a little more drastic and leave a website with information about hormone therapy up on her computer or something like that. I think it would be pretty hard not to figure it out after that one. I'm glad your sister is accepting!
I have a question. I am a mom of a son who I think might either be curious or knows but is afraid of coming out. I think I suspected since he was 4 or 5 (he is 19 now)... But I always put it out of my head thinking just because he wants to sit to pee doesn't mean he is transsexual. Which is true, but it is only one of many pieces to this puzzle. As a whole the incidents are more convincing. I would never say " are you gay" or "are you gender different", sadly because I thought it might confuse him and maybe in some weird way convince him to become gay or trans (which after all the reading I've done I know isn't the case)... But if he is straight then I would also be afraid to offend him. In any event the past week has been a bit of a climax to this journey. He had a malfunction with his laptop and had been using my computer for a few days. In my curiosity I checked the browsing history and found that he left his tumblr account signed in. He had posted a number of posts about having come out on tumcblr.... And asked "friends" to pick a name ... Either Annie or Danielle. He also commented on an argument we had where he was being pissy with me and it was because of this issue... The he declared he wished he was brave enough to come out. How did you know you were... What inside you told you are female but gender assigned male? I guess because I cannot delineate or separate my physical from my feeling a woman and my orientation all line up I don't understand the "how" for lack of a better descriptor. In the old days I knew people were either gay or straight... But I'm seeing a whole new, very confusing world of differences.
SeekingAssist: A common misconception about Transexuality that I've personally observed is that something tells a transgendered person they're transgendered. While this is true to an extent, a transgendered person always knows, or always feels to some extent their confusion, but instead it's about accepting who you are. It took years for me to accept who I was, not for me to realize who I was. If your son is transgendered, which he may be but I can't say for certain, then what I would suggest is to simply support him, tell him you support him and any choice he makes, and try not to treat him any differently after he comes out. It can be heartbreaking to come out to a parent and find that their reaction is to turn cold, even if they accept it. My biggest piece of advice is to give him time to sort out his emotions and keep supporting him. With support he can sort out his feelings in piece, instead of panicking over what you'll think. Also, thank you for your advice Grey Wanderer.
Swan32145 Thank you for your quick reply. So if he is transsexual he KNOWS for certain? There is no "curious" to it as there is with sexual orientation? Then if he is what would his orientation be? At my work recently a gentleman came out as a woman. He is starting the full years requirement before having the surgery, living completely as a woman. But he still is interested in women. This confuses me .... I thought he'd become a woman so men would be his preference. So what does this mean for my son?
Well, there's a sort of confusion, but it's more of a living up to cultural expectations sort of thing. Nobody wants to be thought of as weird, and denying who you are is what ultimately leads to confusion, then there's a whole lot of people who don't identify as either sex and even gender fluid people, who identify as both at different times or at one time, which can lead to some serious complications. There are a variety of trans individuals who identify as gay or lesbian, actually. It shouldn't be a big deal if your son still likes women; it's not at all unusual. If you want to know more I suggest reading some of the threads about transgendered and the like here on this website, they can be very informative. Or just keep asking questions and checking regularly; I love helping people and never pass up an opportunity.
for some, of course, the feelings can be just a phase. There are many who transition (change fro male to female or vice versa) and then regret it later on. However, it sounds like if this is what your son is feeling he's been feeling it for a long time to some extent. I don't know your son or much about his personal history. I think there are definitely signs in the way he would have interacted with other people. For me, it's hard to talk to people because I''m just presenting a personality and gender identity foreign to my actual identity. This leads to excessive shyness. Others function better socially, but many have trouble dating because of this. Signs like this can help you know for certain. As I've said before, all you can do is support your son in whatever decision he makes. You can guess at his feeling, but ultimately it's something that only he can completely understand, and only with time. So give him time to figure things out and keep supporting him and loving him no matter what, that's really all you can do. You can help him in a bigger way than you might expect simply by doing this. I things turn out great for.
To SeekingAssist: Chances are, if it lasts more than a few years (at most maybe four or five, but five may be a stretch) then it's not a phase. Here's one way I went about it. Misogyny - does your son feel personally affected by it, like it's directed towards him? If so, this may be a tell-tale sign that he doesn't really view himself as a... well, he. Myself, I never felt personally affected by misogyny. Yes, it made me mad, and yes, I spoke up against it, but when I experienced it, it felt like they were directing it to someone else and not me. Looking back, this should've screamed "You don't feel female!" to me, but I guess it doesn't. The fact that your son is asking his friends to pick out feminine names is also a pretty good sign. I don't think there's anything else to "come out" for, concerning picking out new names, except for being transgender. Except if he's a cross dresser or something. Many cross dressers/drag queens choose to adapt a feminine name. Also, understand that if your son is transgender, you should make an effort to call him by her and start switching over to daughter instead of son. Not immediately, of course. You knew him as male for 19 years, after all, and it would be very unfair to you if you were forced to make such a drastic switch in such a short amount of time. Don't be afraid. Your child should understand this is very difficult for you. I wish you the best of luck. To swan32145: My coming out was a mess. We were driving in a car and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable, but I managed to get out a "Mom, I need to tell you something," even though I was not ready. When she looked at me, I regretted EVERYTHING. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. And that was my goal. That may sound really weird, but I trusted my mom to keep pushing. Some people hate that, but I appreciated it. I couldn't chicken out. She would not let it be. I knew, that if she let it drop, I will never tell her. So I had to make her push me, so I could come out right then and there. It took me about ten to twenty minutes to actually start saying something, but when I did, I just simply said, "Do you know what transgender means?" And she said yes. Immediately afterwards, she got the hint and looked at me all shocked and said, "You're transgender?" I didn't answer. Or, well, I answered by bursting out into tears. It was really embarrassing, but I got through it. I have no idea if this would work for you, but everything is alright with my mom now, so maybe you can try it.
Hello... Thanks for the replies... I'm glad I found this site! I worry about depression in my son. I have discussed with him this person at work that is changing and asked him to explain it to me, young people seem to know so much about this topic from school, not in my day... It wasn't spoken about at all. Anyway, I also thought broaching the subject with him about this other person might make him see that I'm not judge mental or intolerant and that could help him. He told me that there is a very large suicide rate among transgendered people, this frightens me a lot. My son stays in his room almost 24/7, on his computer or playing games. (There seems to be a lot of "anime" in the tublr world too). Growing up he didn't have friends. The few he did have were ones that his dad and I setup for him, he tried to play with them but it just didn't work out. Then in high school, again, no friends, no special interests, he disliked any kind of sport. Finally he went away to university and made three friends. One is a ftm transgender and the other two females... All kind of misfits in one way or another... And I don't mean that in a negative way. He only told me about the transgendered friend when I talked to him about my co worker... Was that a hint of something? I don't know. Another thing he has been up to... He refuses to shave, never once and he is 19! He trims his fuzz with scissors but talking to him about shaving is like asking him about the colour of his underwear... He also has not cut his hair in over a year and a half. It's curly so you can imagine what a mess! Particularly the fact that he never brushes it! I'm ok with long hair but at least take care of it.... But he just says I should leave it alone... He says that he likes it that way so no one looks at him or finds him attractive... Now that he is home from university we wanted him to find something to keep him busy for four months. A job, a course, a volunteer job if neccessary, just to get out of the house and get meeting other people. He has done nothing since April. And when we talk about it he gets mad at us. So I feel like I need to do something... I worry that he is depressed and the burden he is carrying is heavy, especially since he mentioned the suicide rate. I'm sorry for blurting all of this out... I certainly don't want to push him but when is the right time to step in?
I think, as a young transgender child, the thing I want my mom to say and do is reassure me that she will always support me, no matter what, and that she is willing to listen and talk to me as long as I want, whenever I want. Is it selfish? Probably. But hearing that would make me very reassured. I won't want my mom to constantly worry and fawn over me, even if she really was. I want her to give me space. I just want her to tell me that, yes, she's able to listen when I finally tell her, but no, she will not force me to tell her anything. Try to be a friend. Not only a mother. As for not shaving, I don't think that necessarily means anything. It might, but it might not. Personally, if someone came up to me and asked me out, I would be very upset because, chances are, they see me as the opposite gender I am. If I could prevent that, I would. That may be what your son is doing, but it might not be. The only way you'd know if when he tells you.
Hi, EC. Today I left a note coming out to my mom as transgendered, but she left without reading it. (She thought my sister wrote it. It says several times that her son wrote the note, but she got confused.) She’ll be at work and when she comes home she’ll be reading it again. I’m worried about her reaction. My sister assures me it will be okay, and I think it will to, but there are so many thoughts going through my head right now. I’ll let you know how things turn out.
Good luck ^u^ I have decided that I was going to tell my mother today too! Although I plan on calling her at work while she is out of town. Well actually I'm having my sister call and tell her hehe because it will be easier for her and probably believe it more. it will give her time to think about it when she comes home later and talks to me personally. So keep us posted swan :3
I don't know if I agree with that, I'm pretty feminine, but I'm not exactly a woman, and misogyny still really bothers me on a personal level. I can't say it bothers me on the grounds that I'm a woman, because I'm not, but it offends me because I'm a human and because I'm a minority. I do agree 100% that cisgendered men don't go on tumblr and ask what their female name should be and if they should come out.
I feel so great now that my mom knows I’m transgendered. Oddly, she didn’t seem surprised; almost like when I told her I was gay (although I’m straight as a Trans.). She didn’t seem to care at all. It’s almost as if nothing has really changed except that they know my gender identity now. I told her if it makes her uncomfortable she can refer to me using male pronouns for the time being, but she insists on calling me a female. I’m really glad she didn’t take long to accept me and understand. She’s such a loving person. Before she arrived home my sisters homophobic boyfriend (who happens to be my best friend sense I was eight) showed up at the house and stayed until nine. My sister ended up telling her everything and we were forced to sit there in an awkward silence until I finally asked him if he was going to get in trouble with his parents for staying so long. Things were easy from there, we talked about it for about two hours; my mom wanted to know what was PC so she could avoid being insulting. I told her regardless of the fact that I don’t really mind when people aren’t PC because, hey, if we’re going to talk about it we may as well sound knowledgeable on the subject. It explained a lot. Why I have trouble interacting, why I suffer from occasional severe depression, why I act and look like a hairy fifteen year old girl with no breasts (which doesn't bother me, breasts don't make a woman. They do help though.), why I get so nervous around men, and an incredible shyness and innocence that has been present my whole life. With all this not only did it not come as a surprise, but she seemed relieved to some extent. I think my coming out explained so much that there was no possible way she could have denied it. She also knows I’ve been suicidal in the past in part because of this issue, and I reassure her that suicide is not something I would ever do. I can’t hurt a fly let alone myself. Sorry if this is a bit excessive. I’m just so happy! I can finally be a person. I don’t need to hide. I can be honest. Best of all, I can be who I’ve always wanted to be, and she accepts and loves me for it. This is the best I’ve felt in so long.
You make a good point about that. I guess I was a bit unclear about what I meant about getting bothered by misogyny. It's like you said: it bothers me on a personal level, but not because I was a woman. But, er, maybe this comment was irrelevant. I guess it doesn't hurt to post anyway.
