What's holding you back?

Interesting thoughts Dave. I spent years holding back from my parents for the very same reasons you state. I knew they would love me no matter what but some of the things they both had said about certain TV programmes and someone they new that was gay made me think it was best not to tell them. It was not difficult to hide it from them because I moved to another city and then they had no need to know.
Then one day the unthinkable happened and I met the man of my dreams, the love of my life. At that point I just felt my mum and dad had to know about it if they were still going to be part of my life because there was no way I was going to hide it any more.
Guess what. Eight years later mum now spends more time talking to Chris on the phone than to me! Dad thinks he is great. They come and stay at our house and when we go to stay with them we are always put in a double room in the guest suite.Both my sisters were maried and are now divorced and my parents always say that Chis and I are a better couple and have a more stable relationship than either of the girls ever had!
So, things change, I don't think anyone needs to rush to come out just do it when you are comfortable and it feels right for you.
Stew

 

Stew's story is quite similar to mine.

I moved out of my parents home and to a different area when i was 27 and came out (properly) to myself, then work colleagues and family etc soon after. This was actually a few months before my sister's wedding - quite good timing as it gave my parents sosmething positive to look forward if they where feeling less positive about me.

Shortly after the wedding I met my partner (Markie), and we have now been together for over 12 years. Aabout 5 years ago my sister and her husband split up and subsequently divorced. So, like Stew's parents, my parents felt that we have a better relationship than my sister. Markie became Number One son-in-law!

When my father died 18 months ago, Markie joined me, mum, and my sister as the immediate family in the front row at the funeral. This was actually the first time some of the more distant family members had met them, although I think they all knew about me and him already.

It was not all plain sailing though. My father in particular had some problems accepting the news initially. Mum wanted to talk to someone and try to understand things, but dad just wanted to ignore the "problem" and hope it would go away. I had come out to my sister (and then-fiance) a few weeks before, and they were fine with everything. They said later that they had both pretty much guessed some time before I told them. My sister was able to give my mum the support she needed, and in due course dad came round too. Mum and dad both said later that it was easier for them not having me living there at that time, as it allowed them to accept things in their own time without having the constant reminder of the "problem" there.

I think, given the choice, it is better to wait until you have moved out before coming out to parents, if this is an option. From the experience of friends, it seems to work out easier and maybe quicker that way. Otherwise, maybe arranging to stay with a friend for a week or two if necessary would allow you and them to have some space (it needs to be a friend who knows and understands what's going on).

 

Family: Although I think my family would eventually accept the idea, I'm sure it would be awkward at first. When I questioned my parents with a liberal/conservative test for school, my mom said she supports gay marriage. After my mom responded and it was time for my dad to give his perspective, he literally thought about it for at least 30 seconds. Contrary to his previous statements, he said he's supportive. I greatly disliked his hesitance.

Ignorance/Un-acceptance: Lots of people seem to not understand the concept. In class, a girl stated "...[gays] can choose to be gay or whatever." (Oh how I wanted to slap her :evil: .) I know at least one of my *friends* is against gay marriage because it's "unnatural." I'm worried I will be thought of and treated differently than I am currently if I come out, which is my biggest concern.

Trustworthiness: I often want to tell people but I'm afraid they won't keep the secret. Several people would know if I knew the secret wouldn't spread.

 

(First post - woot woot!)

Whats holding me back...

My Family - my family is one of my main reasons definately, my father completely despises any one who is gay and the way he acts about it kinda scares me. I don't think my brother would care so much (in fact I think he kinda knows), but my sister is as she puts it "freaked out by those weirdos". My mother, not sure about her, she'd be sceptical but I think eventually she'd accept it. Its the way my father acts that scares me most.

School - not so much school, more like the people there. The only person I could tell without it spreading all over school in a day is my best friend, I've been testing his opinions on it and I can't quite tell what he thinks. What makes me sad is he's my best friend and I can't trust him if I come out to him.

 

To solve this problem, I talked to my friend about political issues. I asked for his beliefs on abortion, the death penalty, and then gay marriage. Gay marriage seems appropriate to discuss when you combine it with these other issues so people don't think there's an ulterior motive. I hope this helps!

 

Holding me back? well other than the obvious dependant on family
i think that its that peoples attitudes towards me would change. I know that my friends would not have the conversations with me that they do now if they knew I was. I love to talk about all sorts of subjects and i love participating in certain activities with them but if they knew I was Gay they would be uncomfortable around me. i just dont want people to act any diffrently, the reason I am friends with them is because of the way that they act now, if they act diffrently towards me I dont want to loose them as friends.

 

I'm not sure what I'd come out as. Right now it would be "confused", and the last thing I want is to be pressed for specifics by someone trying to help me "solve" it. I dunno what my actual romantic or sexual desires are, just what turns me on, and I don't think that's anyone else's business.

Even when I thought I was totally straight, I was uncomfortable talking about sex. I doubt that'll change if/when I come to an understanding of my identity. I'm lucky enough to have immediate family and many friends that I'm 99% sure would be supportive of whatever I am, I just don't particularly want to share on that topic.

 

Shame. Shame is really the #1 thing that held me back from coming out to myself. The norm in our culture, in our society, is heterosexuality. If you're not heterosexual... then you fall out of the sexual norm and you're shamed for it by friends, family, society at large. And I wanted desperately to be "normal", so I denied the possibility that I could be queer (despite, ah, evidence to the contrary). There were so many times throughout my teenage years that I asked myself--sometimes in a panic--if I was a lesbian, and I always told myself No. It's not possible. It's okay for other people to be gay, just not me, I have to be straight. This is what I told myself for so long. And for what? Why? Because I felt shame.

Friends. No reason, really. I just didn't feel a need to sit most of 'em down and tell them. Now, if sexuality is brought up, I just casually drop that I ID as queer and that's that. Unless it's brought up, I don't really talk about it, and I'm fine with how that works. I'm becoming more brave in casually dropping hints or even saying that I'm queer, which is great. It shows how far I've come. And honestly, for the people I haven't told--I don't think I'll lose any friends over this, but if I do, I don't really care. My true friends will accept me.

Family. I'm just... not ready yet. I'm probably going to wait this one out for a while, until I become more comfortable with myself, comfortable enough to share with my family this part of me. Family is a huge part of my life. I don't live with them, and I don't see them as often as I would like, but we're so close and I love them all so much and I really couldn't do without them in the long run. Thing is, I know they would accept me, but would it change their perception of me? I don't know. Both my parents are super accepting--my mom has a lot of gay friends, but she says some things about gay women sometimes that make me a bit uncomfortable... and my aunt (dad's sister) is gay, which he knows and confided to me a while ago, so I think he's okay with this stuff. My siblings would no doubt be fine with it--I'm definitely going to tell my siblings first, especially the oldest of my younger sisters and my brother. But I think I need to fully accept this part of myself and integrate it into my identity in such a way that, when questioned, I don't feel insecure or a need to run away. I want to wait to be able to stand up and say, "I'm queer/gay/whatever I'm going to identify as in the future" without feeling shame.

 

It's a combination of things. I live in a very closed-minded area. My main concerns are with my family. I don't think my mom would care (perhaps she suspects it a little bit, but I also wouldn't doubt she's totally clueless), but I'm not sure if my dad would still love me. He's actually a really great dad, and I love him a lot. I can't stand the thought of losing him. Not to mention, I'm still living with my parents right now, and I want to be able to stay here for community college and to keep my younger sister sane when she deals with my parents. XD

Also, I don't want people to bother my family. My sisters wouldn't care too much (though my older sister may not even understand. She has downs), and their lives probably wouldn't be affected in any way. However, I worry about how people would treat my parents. Even if my dad did get mad at me, he's a great person, and I wouldn't want him or my mom to get harassed because of me.

Also, it's the fact that I don't want to deal with any bull shit from anyone. A lot of people around here are all talk, but not all. Also, I want to be able to finish up this college crap as soon as possible, and not have to deal with a whole bunch of crap.

One day I want to move away, but it's hard not knowing where the future will lead me. :/ But such is life.

 

I would say I am out, I never publicly came out or anything, and there's some people I haven't said the actual words to, yet they know. It's general knowledge among some people. I also consider myself to be openly gay because, even though some don't, for example at school, if they were to ask I'd tell them. I just don't see the point in coming out to strangers.