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Came out to my mom in the worst circumstances

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by resu, Jun 22, 2014.

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  1. resu

    resu
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    Hi everyone. I've been going through a very tough time with my PhD program, and there is the very real possibility I might fail my qualifying exam. This is not a written exam but a virtual grant proposal, where a student has to make a novel hypothesis and carefully devise experiments and aims to answer it, which means a 10 page paper followed by an oral examination in front of four professors. I didn't prepare well, which is my fault, and I've been constantly trying to make changes, but I really don't know the subject well. I haven't written a single page, yet. This is literally the most stressful time in my life. I'm also upsetting my own research professor (who can't be involved in the exam), and he has little reason to keep me if I fail.

    The big problem is that I've been fairly honest with my parents about my struggles and the very real possibility I might have to quit this program and move back in. What's worse is that, under stress, I came out to my mom as gay, telling her that was the main fear about moving back in since I knew my dad would not be accepting. She's in denial, and I really wish I had never said anything because this is already a tense situation. I really need everyone's advice on how to salvage this situation. My parents are religious Catholics and from India, which means coming out is a huge taboo.
     
    #1 resu, Jun 22, 2014
  2. gazwkd

    gazwkd Guest

    #2 gazwkd, Jun 22, 2014
  3. bingostring

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    How much time is there between now and this exam submission and interview?

    If it is soon, do you have ability to mentally shut out family / coming out issues and devote 110% to the exam? One thing at a time.

    Can you use your research professor as an ally - ask his advice on the exam, that alone may take some stress away from things.
     
    #3 bingostring, Jun 22, 2014
  4. resu

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    My time has really run out. I was supposed to submit the written proposal last Friday and defend this Friday. I asked to cancel the exam date and reschedule in the future, which has irritated my committee and my professor. My professor is not really an ally. He only cares about us working and is not supportive of doing classwork or other things outside the lab.
     
    #4 resu, Jun 22, 2014
  5. jaxianrhyder

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    go chunk by chunk take small breaks between each portion and if push turns to shove just do the parts thatre the most points ........ look at ur grade and see how much leeway u have ......as long as u pass right(*hug*)
     
    #5 jaxianrhyder, Jun 22, 2014
  6. Illus1

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    Hmm, I think I read somewhere you were also in Chem Eng? Well I have some friends now going through the exact same thing. First things first, block out all issues with your sexuality right now, if u'r mom is in denial let her be that in the near future until u'r work is done.

    Now about the profs, I'd suggest you first go to your peers or anyone who knows this research prof well, explain the situation(well that you got backed up on your work, not the gay issue) and try to gauge his reaction. Do you know the secretary of the board/committee well?He/she must have had experience with delays, just even if you don't know him/her, just kind of explain the situation in a friendly way you would be surprised how good their advice can be, they usually know how the profs will react so they'll tell you what the best plan of action is. Just remember SPEAK, don't go at it alone.
    After that go to u'r research prof. BE Honest and admit you did not do the required work and explain that you don't get the gist of it yet. AND have a clear plan of action, detailing how your going to do things from now on. See the main point is that you show your research prof you are making/going to make progress. Have him/or any other counselor/mentor talk to the board of 4 profs you have to present to. Get time, I'd suggest it's better to delay a bit than to go to the Oral unprepared, In my experience being unprepared for an oral is terrible because those professors will grill you and will not appreciate you wasting their time by being unprepared or having to read a sub-par paper because you did not put in the required time.

    I'm not saying this all to scare you just well there is a reason they choose a board that does not know you personally, so they can be objective and they will be harsh. (or at least in my uni they are) Sending you good luck!
     
    #6 Illus1, Jun 22, 2014
  7. Mirko

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    Hi there! (*hug*)

    First off, I am really sorry to hear that your coming out to your mom hasn't gone well, and that she is in denial. Given what you have revealed about your parents' religion and cultural background, it will take a while for your parents to come around. It will also take a lot of education, and in many ways you are the best person to educate them.

    I would suggest for now though, try not to worry about what will happen should you not pass the exam. As you have probably realized, it only adds more stress and anxiety. If you can, try to shift your thoughts by trying to relax as much as you can.

    Before you sit down and try to concentrate on your exam preparations, go for a walk on campus or off campus and try to take in your surroundings. Try to concentrate on what you see, hear and smell. That will allow you to start shifting your thoughts and worries, and give you some space in which you can concentrate, and focus on the task at hand.

    Try not to think about that you are going to fail the exam. That thought alone can take out all of your motivation, and concentration. When you work on the 10 page paper, say to yourself "I'll try my best" and start working on the points that make most sense to you or with which you are somewhat familiar with.

    How come you are not familiar with the subject? Was it a topic/experiment that was given to you by your committee, or was it something you wanted to do?

    Has your committee approved your request to postpone the exam, thus giving you a bit of breathing room?

    How much does your supervisor know about your current situation? It might be worthwhile to have a longer meeting with your professor even if you feel that he is not ally (and perhaps even with one or two committee members), and speak to him (them) about the things you are going through at the moment - if you haven't.

    What you might also want to do is to speak with a counsellor at the university's counselling services. Try to talk to somebody about your situation, the stresses you are experiencing, and also what your fears are. They might be able to give you a note stating that you are not able to take the exam at this time, but will work on a plan that will allow you to take the exam in the coming weeks.

    The last thing you wanted to do now, is to try to bottle up all of your thoughts, and fears. You want to speak with somebody so that you have an outlet, and get it out of your system.

    How much time do you feel you would need to prepare for the exam?

    (*hug*)
     
    #7 Mirko, Jun 22, 2014
  8. Corwin

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    Hi resu,

    Sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I think you were right to ask to reschedule, even if it irritated them. Have they agreed? Will you be able to get enough time to be more prepared? I think even they don't think much of the idea now, that will be forgotten if you do well when you finally do it.

    I agree with Illus1 that it's important to be as honest with them as you can. Not about the gay part specifically, but you could tell you that there are some family issues going on right now that are dividing your attention. And don't be afraid to ask for whatever help you need at school. I think it shows you're being honest with the difficulties you're having with the material, and want to take the exam seriously, rather than plowing into it unprepared.

    As far as your mom goes, maybe she just needs more time? It's hard for me to give any specific advice, as everyone's situation is unique and I certainly don't know your parents. The religious situation can be tough, but even so, some people do come around. Hope this doesn't seem like a trivial suggestion, but have you seen the movie "Prayers for Bobby?" (it's on YouTube and other places) It's based on a true story about a woman who eventually came to terms with reconciling her son's sexuality and her religion.

    I was raised in a very religious Catholic family, and that kept me from admitting to myself who I am for a very long time. But eventually I came to realize that God made me this way, and despite some people's interpretation of the Bible, there's nothing wrong with it.

    It's hard to advise here, but would you be better off trying to resolve the family situation before returning your focus to the exam? I guess you have to decide how much that's being an obstacle to your succeeding at the exam. But it sounds like perhaps you need to focus on one or the other at this time. Only you can answer that.

    I wish you all the best at this difficult time.
     
    #8 Corwin, Jun 22, 2014
  9. HTBO

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    I feel your pain! That's a lot to be dealing with at once. I can't say I have the same situation, I just finished first year of my master's program, but for some reason it was the same year I came out to myself, then others. The combination of beginning grad school, and coming out was very difficult.
    Hopefully your mother will be more accepting; she also needs to process what you told her, and work through her feelings about it.
    I agree with Illus 1, he has some excellent ideas. Be honest, make a detailed plan to demonstrate how you will progress, and ask for an extension. You said asking to reschedule irritated your committee, but did they say no? If you proceed unprepared, they will still be irritated, and it will affect how they perceive you as an academic. Irritate by delaying and being prepared will not have as bad an effect. Either way, they won't be happy, but go with the option that gives you a chance at passing and to prove yourself academically.
    Once this is sorted out, then deal with your family and your sexuality. This will give your mother some time to think about what you told her.
     
    #9 HTBO, Jun 22, 2014
  10. SimpleMan

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    Hey resu,

    I am unfamiliar with the processes you need to go through with your doctoral program, but it sounds like you have gotten some great advice. I would second going to your university's counseling services center. They will be able to help you make a plan of action.

    Also, I know how easy it can be to get distracted when you are stressed out about life. For years, I have followed a blog by Beth Kanter. She is primarily focused on technology and social media in the non-profit sector, but she is easily one of the top technology trainers in the world. She just wrote a post yesterday that I think will be useful to you as you write this paper.

    Conscious Computing: 7 Apps and Tips That Help You Focus, Reduce Stress, and Get Work Done | Beth

    It's a list of tools to help you stay focused as you are writing. She has also recently become a huge proponent of walking while you work. There is good research showing that walking helps you to unlock your creativity and solve problems. Walk around and carry a note pad with you to tease out these proposals you are working on. Get a friend to walk with you. Even if they aren't familiar with your area of study, explaining it to them can often open up new and novel ideas for approaching things.

    Rooting for you from here in the Midwest!
     
    #10 SimpleMan, Jun 22, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2014
  11. SimpleMan

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    Also, I greatly admire your courage in coming out to your mother even if it is currently causing you additional stress. Remember that the willingness to be vulnerable with those you love is the real measure of courage in this world. That courage is something to be celebrated.
     
    #11 SimpleMan, Jun 22, 2014
  12. resu

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    Thank you all for the really great advice and support. My degree is in medicinal chemistry.

    I was preoccupied trying to prepare for a research conference in March (my professor is paranoid about others stealing unpublished research). We are supposed to choose the topics. However, it was ultimately my own procrastination that chose to make a proposal about a fringe theory on a very old drug (that I never had an interest in before) coupled with trying to be "on time" with the regular exam schedule (two other students in my lab had delayed till their third years). These were the two major problems that set me on a path for failure.

    I'm sure some of my committee members could sense that the original proposal was bad. But, I was honest to them about changes, and I have already discussed in person with three of the members about my reasons for canceling the exam (i.e. pointing out the flaws). Actually, I cancelled the exam after calling my department secretary's cell phone in desperation, and she's gave me invaluable advice. I was perhaps too honest because now they know there are multiple flaws.

    Overall, I am just too stressed from the entire grad school process. It is more than just the exam. The lab I'm in is very competitive and productive, unlike my undergraduate lab. I'm not a good fit here, especially since the work I'm doing is programming-based that no one else knows well and which I'm just beginning to learn, so it looks like I'm not being as active as those doing wet lab stuff. Fundamentally, I just have not had enough work experience; research is all I've known, as I have done internships in both government and industrial labs.
     
    #12 resu, Jun 22, 2014
  13. AdelOwl

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    Hi,

    Sorry, I can't offer much advice about coming out to your parents, but maybe her attitude will change once she has had time to adjust. Hopefully, she will at least realise the amount of stress that you are under at the moment and not pressure you any further.

    As far as the PhD goes, is there any way of putting a positive spin on this? I mean, you have identified these flaws in your proposal and are working on correcting them. Surely this shows that you are capable of critical thinking? It's far better to do this than to go ahead and submit something that you know is not acceptable. Also, is it possible to get a medical note for stress/anxiety? Your committee may be more sympathetic if they know (and have proof) of the stress that you have been under.

    Good luck and I hope things work out okay. I have experienced academia in the US and it can be a brutal environment. I just wish the professors over there realised that the main point of a PhD is to train future scientists, not just to be a cheap, endless supply of data.
     
    #13 AdelOwl, Jun 23, 2014
  14. resu

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    Hello, everyone, I'd like to say things went better, but they just got worse. I did go to the counseling center, but getting counseling help is just so slow; every other week in fact. I realized my anxiety was not just directed at the exam but having to try and please my professor all the time. I think he has ADD/ADHD or something similar.

    Eventually, I admitted to him that I can't continue in the lab, and he offered for me to stay for a master's. Little did I know that he would let me stay only for one month for a non-thesis master's or two months for a thesis. This really floored me as I thought I could stay for at least one semester, at least to also get some TA experience and also have a better job transition.

    I'm now in the midst of symptoms of major depression, which is sapping my concentration and work ethic, precisely when I need it. It doesn't help that my professor now realizes no one else can do what I'm doing, and so he's decided to learn directly from me how to do things. Now, my only concerns are just trying to get through the non-thesis master's (I was not ready at all to write a 50+ page document, especially since much of my research is unpublished and my professor is paranoid about getting scooped) and deciding what to do afterward. I'm not really in a position to hold a professional job, and almost all of my friends are fellow grad students, so it's hard to see where I can go from here. My mom really wants me to come home, but I know that's also her codependency talking since she has previously spoken about leaving my dad (which I would support) and living near me.

    So, my question for everyone is more what should I do after I finish in the lab? I know I can't stay on my own anymore because that would exacerbate the depression, but I also feel like there aren't many options living on my own here, unless I ask my mom for assistance.
     
    #14 resu, Jul 8, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2014
  15. ABeautifulMind

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    It sounds like your mom and you are close.... does she work? when my mom was pregnant with me and about to give birth she called her mom in michigan (>1300 miles) and told her she needed her help so she came down to help out with me for a few weeks... maybe you call your mom and just tell her you could use some help... that way you dont have to worry about your dad, and it sounds like she might... she can help you figure out what to do... she probably knows you better than anyone on here too so she may be the best one... if that is not an option I would have to say you should atleast stay near your parents maybe with an old friend or something.... with what I have read you probably shouldnt be completely alone in a city... sounds like you need more allies than the internet may be able to provide...


    Sorry things are not going too well right now, but when I am going through a bout of depression, I ALWAYS remember my favorite quote, and this too shall pass...

    And count your blessings, I mean your going to be getting your Masters soon... s#it im still working on undergrad til december...

    I would also suggest starting to consider what you want to do in the not so distant future... what is your degree/field? is there a job market for it there? do you want to live there? if not do you want to eventually move back home? or do you want to move a new place altogether (good excuse to get your moms help) and if so where is there a job market in your field? Just some things to consider buddy... for example me personally I intend on taking a semester off before going for my MS so that I can explore new areas and a new school, possibly Colorado.... I just need a change of scenery, and I need to get away from my parents so I can be a slightly preferred version of myself lol... so now maybe you should start considering these things... after all, from what I have read, your education is completed right? time to pick a place to settle down...
     
    #15 ABeautifulMind, Jul 9, 2014
  16. Silas

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    resu I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this :frowning2:

    If committing to a job right now isn't an option and there's no one else you can turn to maybe relying on your mom for support would be for the best? As awkward as it might be moving back home now that you've come out (and I know how it feels having religious Indian parents in denial!) maybe doing so might be an option temporarily to give you some time to figure things out and get back on your feet again. With all the stress and the depression you're feeling it doesn't sound like you should be alone right now :frowning2: At least this way you'd have the support of your family to help you get through this.

    I hope everything works out resu and please stay strong!
     
    #16 Silas, Jul 9, 2014
  17. resu

    resu
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    Yes, my mom and I are very close. She works in a patient accounting job, so she doesn't get much time off from work. I was still stressed and told her not to come last week. But, today I talked to her and was much more open that my depression is actually more serious than thinks. She was understandably worried, but she also was okay with me going to a doctor for help. Apparently an older cousin (who really had a tough life and minor criminal history) used to take antidepressants.

    My degree is in science, but I can't actually do much science because I have limited lab skills (was mostly at the computer doing basic programming and bioinformatics stuff). The degree title will be "M.Phil." not "M.S.", and most people in the US don't know what M.Phil. means. As much as I would like to do more programming, I don't have an extensive experience (much of what I was doing was heavily applied - using other people's software and "real" data) to go in that route right now. Similar to what Silas mentioned, my counselor suggested going for an entry-level job because I'm unlikely to handle all the responsibilities of a professional position.
     
    #17 resu, Jul 9, 2014
  18. Gen

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    Goodness, I can't believe I have missed this thread for this long. Doctoral programs are brutal enough, let alone medicine chemistry. What were your plans prior to leaving the program? Is that occupation still a passion of your's?
     
    #18 Gen, Jul 10, 2014
  19. ABeautifulMind

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    Okay, but you should understand, its is not always your knowledge, but rather your ability to tink and develop solutions that companies want. I assume you understand the science? That is all you need. You dont need hands on lab experience to find work, it may help, but its not necesary. I would suggest looking at where you intend to live... That is a big thing to do and stressing about other things will make it that much harder...

    Once you have a few ideas, start looking into the local job markets and find out which ones are actually possible.

    Atleast that is my 2 cents...

    Either way, I am glad to know you opened up more to you mom. When I get extremely depressed, I always talk to my parents. I cant even look them in the eyes most times, but I made an agreement a long time ago that I would always come to them when im that depressed. Most importantly, stay strong (*hug*)


    EDIT:
    by the way, the first knowledge is actually you experience, in other words they can teah you to use their equipment...
     
    #19 ABeautifulMind, Jul 10, 2014
  20. BobObob

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    Graduate school generally tends to be very stressful, and it seems to me that your paranoid professor made it even more stressful than it needs to be. Coming out to your family on top of all that is a lot. Even though I'm only attempting to earn a master's, I have experienced similar things myself.

    I recommend pursuing an entry level job, then consider moving to up to a professional position when you're ready.

    A lot of people start their careers in programming with science degrees and with little programming experience. Some companies are willing to take chances on people in your situation if they think the person is a good learner (which it appears you are, because you had to learn to program on top of all your course and lab work, right?) and because they can usually hire the person for less than an experienced programmer. My brother got QA job fresh out of a one year master's program with no other programming experience. So I would recommend keeping a programming career on the table.
     
    #20 BobObob, Jul 10, 2014
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