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How would you react to this?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NeverOut, Jun 22, 2014.

  1. NeverOut

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    Basically I'm sure I don't want to do the "coming out" thing that a lot of people do. I just worry that if I ever meet a guy who is right for me, I will of course not want to tell my family about him. I'd personally be fine if another guy did the same with me but some people I assume would be hurt if their partner wanted to keep the relationship secret.
    Would you be able to cope with that and if no, do you think it's something most would struggle to cope with?
     
  2. calgary

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    Hi neverout
    No one says that you have to come out and I'm sure there is lots of guys that don't. I'm actually sure all gay guys at some point come to the conclusion that they won't every come out. I know I did. I personally wouldn't care if my guy is out to his family or friends or not. If you partner is out though I highly doubt he would want to keep the relationship a secret which would put you in a tough spot. You would be out to his family and friends but not your own. I think you may be under estimating how much more difficult life is when you are trying to hide a relationship and someone that is the most important person to you. It is also very hard to find another guy. Most relationships start through a introduction through friends, co worker, family.

    I decided to come out at 31 because the amount of effort in not coming out was more than the effort coming out. It is also can be lonely in the closet once all your friends get married and begin having kids. I'm still not sure if I'm going to be any happier in the end being out and it is difficult but I know I was never going to be happy hiding a part of myself. Now I have to deal with the regret of not dealing with this 10 years ago.

    Not sure if this helps or not but that's my opinion.
     
  3. Sarah2695

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    What you just described actually happened to me. I met this girl that I immediately had feelings for. At this point, my feelings continued to grow and it was almost painful seeing her everyday. I still hadn't come out to my family and was completely and happily resigned to never telling them this. However, like you described, I couldn't hide it and I wanted my family to know, especially when I started receiving signals that she was also into me. ultimately, she is why I eventually did come out. And honestly, now, I am okay with that. Also, if it had been reversed, I would want her to come out to her family for me as well.
     
  4. Black Raven

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    I really couldn't handle being with a closeted person.
    That is just me, though, so just take it as yet another point of view.

    I am a very honest and open-minded person, and having to hide a relationship with someone would be pure torture and stress for me. It is not like I need to run around and tell everyone, but having to keep it a secret would feel wrong to me. Love should never have to be kept secret.

    Even having to be silent about fuckmates would suck utter arse.
    Once again, that is only my personal take on it.
     
  5. NeverOut

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    I'm not close with my family and the plan is and always has been to move away when the opportunity arises. I'm almost willing to guarantee nobody will understand this but my family just don't mean much to me. I'd be fine with starting a new life as out but it's the whole coming out part that I can't stand the thought of.
     
  6. kyrtap

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    I wouldn't particularly care unless you would, I don't know, act cold towards me around your family and friends. I don't mean I want to make out in front of everyone or constantly hold hands and be touchy feely all the time but if you would act like im a stranger because you don't want anyone to know then yes I would have a problem with it, I would like us to be in a relationship at all times not only when no one is looking, that would make me feel like you're ashamed of me, and although that wouldn't be true it would still hurt.
     
  7. NeverOut

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    Thing is I met a guy. I wasn't even tempted to come out. He turned out to be straight anyway. But he always told me I should come out during the time we spent together (which always felt it was heading towards getting together btw) and I sometimes wonder, is he closeted too and wanted me to come out then he'd be with me? It was confusing because he only met my cousin a few times, no other family members, and he always asked why I wouldn't introduce him. Asked if I was ashamed of him or something. The reason behind that was the fact I had feelings for him.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 12:50 AM ----------

    Thanks for the opinion. Can I ask a little more though. Does part of the stress you'd feel with being with a closeted person relate to feeling like they may be ashamed to be with you? and you say love should never have to be kept secret? Perhaps I'm strange but I can imagine loving someone in secret only heightens feelings. Perhaps to do it for a long amount of time would be different but I see a thrill in keeping it ENTIRELY secret.
     
  8. OGS

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    I couldn't do it--especially for a serious relationship. What I wanted in my life--and got--was someone to share my life with, my whole life--and life includes family and friends and coworkers, the whole shebang. I don't think it would be reasonable for me to expect that from someone who was not able to share their whole life with me. For me that is what a real relationship is, less than that and in my mind you are friends with benefits. Although to be honest I don't think I could really keep that secret either--I think it would make me feel dirty. I think you might be able to find people that would be alright with a closeted relationship, but I really think they would have to be closeted themselves.
     
  9. NeverOut

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    This... Yeah this is what I was hoping wouldn't pop up. Argh. I see things above holding hands in public to be a little tacky so I wouldn't want that in a relationship anyway, but the thing about treating them like a stranger does get to me. I was really close to this guy (actually the only guy who knows I'm gay) and I had feelings for him. He knew and he was fine with it. He requested to meet my family but I never let him. He asked if I was ashamed of him. Same guy told me I should come out to my family because "it may help" (when I asked how he said he didn't know) and I often wondered if he could be closeted and wanted me to be out and stuff before he'd admit it.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 12:59 AM ----------

    The feeling of being equal is a good point. I mean I'd be okay out to a guys family and friends just not mine but that probably isn't fair. I'm really confused about things now. I started off with a pretty clear picture in my head but now I just don't know.
     
  10. HTBO

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    I don't think it's ideal to be in a relationship and to have my partner keep me a secret from her family, but at the same time, I respect that this is a very personal journey and that is her decision alone to make. Therefore, I would need to decide before entering a relationship in which she has not come out to her family whether I wanted to go further. I have begun talking to someone who I'm interested in and has not come out, and I am ok with that. I'm open about my sexual orientation, and it is not a secret, but I also respect other people's decisions not to come out. I guess it really depends on the other person, and if they are willing to be in a relationship with you. What you do need to consider, however, is if there comes a point where you become serious you may have to make that decision between telling your family or losing the person you love. The guy may be ok with it at the beginning but if he wants to build a life with you, he may want more than be a 'roommate'.
     
  11. Black Raven

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    Absolutely, I posted to assist you, so I will obviously answer any questions you may have. :slight_smile:

    First of all, the stress is due to me not being able to be open about my feelings to everyone. I'm of the type who just loves to show affection, literally everywhere, no matter who or how many are watching. I think I could cope with my partner being "ashamed" of being with me for only a little while. I'd always have his/her back, no matter what, and I'd honestly expect the same from him/her, and being ashamed of being with me isn't having my back.

    Alas, the part that would stress me out the most would be that I would have to heavily restrict and restrain myself all the fucking time.

    While "secret" love can be exciting and passionate for a while (Been there, done that, the t-shirt was a misprint...), that excitement won't last forever, and will be replaced by stress, dissatisfaction, disapointment and broken hearts eventually. It really isn't a permanent solution, at least not in my experience.

    Anyways, I do not believe you are silly or strange at all.
     
    #11 Black Raven, Jun 22, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2014
  12. NeverOut

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    Best forum I've ever been on. People give differing opinions without added insults or assumptions. So new to me.

    Anyway, you say it may come to a point where I will have to make a decision? If you were the person on the opposite end of a decision and the girl making the decision said she couldn't tell her family but she wanted to be with you and in that case she would cut contact with her family to be with you, would that be adequate or do you think her family knowing regardless of her seeing them or not, is important?

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 01:17 AM ----------

    Thanks for that haha :slight_smile:
    And yeah I figured it may get to a point where keeping it secret gets tiresome. But you say you'd feel the need to restrain yourself? I understand that I guess and I can't say for sure I couldn't end up with a guy who is into that sort of thing, but personally I don't like the idea of showing affection that way in public so I guess perhaps if that was to change my entire view on keeping it a secret could change?
     
  13. Black Raven

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    For me, that would be adequate I think.
    Can't say for sure, but as long as we don't need to hide it in public and in front of friends, I think I'd be okay. If she or he is not seeing her / his family at all, if I never even meet them, it doesn't really matter if they know, now does it? Edit: But just as HTBO wrote, I would not want to be reason he / she cut off contact with his / her family. But if the relationship is not close in the first place, it would be fine.

    I strongly believe even persons less into showing affection in public will -eventually- end up feeling like they are constantly restraining themselves. That point where you might have to make a decision HTBO mentioned. When you are getting engaged, for example. Or moving in together.
     
    #13 Black Raven, Jun 22, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2014
  14. HTBO

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    Actually, I think that if she cut contact with her family to be with me that would be adequate as long as she doesn't have a close relationship with them. I wouldn't want her to later regret that she did that, not only because of our relationship, but because I don't want to be the reason she loses contact with her family. If she's not close with her family, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.
     
  15. NeverOut

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    So the fact I plan to cut contact regardless may mean it isn't as much of an expectation that I tell them?
     
  16. Black Raven

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    I'd say that is correct.
     
  17. NeverOut

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    and yeah, there is no way I'd only be cutting contact because of someone I was with. Admittedly I may do it earlier because of the person I'm with but as things are I know I want to do it eventually because I can't imagine ever feeling truly free until it's done.
     
  18. HTBO

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    If cutting contact is already your plan, then most likely not. I can't say everyone is the same, but probably the most important thing is not to be hidden. And as Black Raven said if the other person never meets your family and there is no contact, then it wouldn't really matter if they knew.
     
  19. NeverOut

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    Yeah I just thought perhaps some people may prefer the idea of me telling them before I cut contact.
     
  20. VIPInspirit

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    Well my take on this is that as much as we all would like to have our family knowing about the person we've fallen for regardless of gender, sometimes you have to sit back and remember that you don't owe parents or friends an explanation on jack crap that you do with your life. So you fell in love with the same sex, you're an adult, you do what's right for you, it's no longer up to anyone else to make decisions for you or tell you how you should live your life.

    And I don't want to do the whole coming out thing with my own parents because my mom's super religious and as far as she's concerned, we're not normal and she can't wait until god 'corrects' the situation. Which pisses me off because she doesn't realize she's calling her own child unnatural and an abomination (go figure I'm the gay kid in a hetero normative family right?).

    My girlfriend knows that I'm not out to anyone in my family really save for my sister, and even then there's only so much that she knows about that. And she's okay with it, because she's not in much of a better situation herself because of her own family. She's out to her mom and dad, but it's complicated. The rest of her family she hates with good reason.

    Thing is I wish I didn't have to hide, because the only people who support me are my friends, and that's probably because I have not one straight friend to my name, so there's that. I want my mom and dad to know about my favorite girl, but I wouldn't want her to be judged by them at the same time, so I'd rather keep our relationship separate from them. But with that being said, if me and my girlfriend were to ever be in front of my parents for whatever possible reason there could be, I wouldn't try to hide it from them.

    I guess TL;DR: For some it's a 'learn when to choose your battles' type thing.