A "friend" sent me a message last night about watching "Orange Is The New Black". Here's a little of our conversation: Her: Isn't it all about lesbians in a prison? Me: No. It's about women living in prison and some of them just happen to be lesbians. Her: Well why would you want to watch that?? How do you stand watching the lesbo shit? Me: How do you stand being a hateful homophobic bigot? We had a big fight and to sum it up, we're no longer speaking. I wanted to tell her so bad "Because I'm bisexual, and that 'lesbo shit' is part of who I am, so NO I don't find it gross or unnatural." I'm tired of being in the closet. I want to come out but I'm terrified of the shit storm it would create within my family. I don't care so much about my extended family as I do about my parents and my sister. I'm so scared they'll disown me, and I'm scared it will cause my dad to have another heart attack (he's already had two, and he's in poor health). I'm also scared of the shit people will say to my husband. People wouldn't understand that just because I'd be coming out doesn't mean I'd be cheating on my husband. Advice?
Welcome to EC! Does your husband know? If you don't intend to act on your desires, is it important for your family to know? Especially if you think it may cause more harm than good? I grew up in the Northeast but my parents are fairly conservative and religious. Homosexuality/bisexuality was definitely ingrained me at an early age as "weird" (etc...). My dad has a gay cousin (who he operates a business with) and my parents are close friends with a lesbian couple (my mom's neighbor growing up)... my parents and even my Rush Limbaugh-worshipping grandparents went to her lesbian wedding 8-9 years ago (ancient history in gay rights!). What I'm getting at is my parents still say some uncomfortable things about gay people but they have been accepting in ways that surprise me. I can only imagine that the situation you are in is much more difficult. Although I don't take enough of my own advice, I'd say you need to be true to yourself. This may take time... time for you to get comfortable with it and proud of it. It looks like you've told a few people already but I'd suggest telling more people that you are comfortable telling. This has helped me get a little more comfortable with it. I suppose my advice would be to just move slowly. Tell people you think will accept you. When I started coming out someone on EC said that closet doors move slowly and to take my time. I didn't understand what he meant but in hindsight it was excellent advice. Move at a pace that is comfortable for you and if you decide that you want to tell them you will know when is the right time. I hope that helps, if even just a little bit. Good luck!
Thanks for the advice. Yes, my husband knows (which is another story all in itself). He is comfortable with it, as far as I know, but I also don't make a big deal of talking about women I find attractive in front of him. It's the same as if he were to talk about women he finds hot in front of me: it's disrespectful after a point, you know? I made it very clear to my husband when I told him that it didn't mean I was looking for a threesome or a girlfriend on the side or anything. Bisexuals are just as capable of being in a monogamous relationship than anyone else. I think telling my family would do more harm than good, honestly. That's one reason I've kept it from them; I'm not dating (I've been married for 12 years now), so why do they need to know? I'm just sick of having to lie about who I am. And maybe it's selfish and silly but sometimes I dream about just changing my orientation on Facebook to "bisexual" and just being done with it. That way, if people notice and want to talk about it, I will but if not, fine. I don't know, it's weird... Part of me feels like I'm happily married and not interested in having an affair, so no one needs to know about it. But part of me feels like I'm lying about who I am.
If that's the case, STOP LYING. Any negative consequences which stem from coming out are not your fault. If people are angered by it, they can go :***: themselves.
That's the thing. I would LOVE to be honest. People assume I'm a straight supporter, since I'm married and openly support LGBTQ rights. But if someone were to ask, I would love to say "Actually, I'm bisexual." But I'm so scared of how it would affect my life and my relationship with my family, whom I'm extremely close to.
I know what you mean that not being out feels like lying about who I am. When I was little I wondered how people kept a part of who they were a secret, but I know now just how easy to just not say anything. Even if it is unpleasant. I don't have any advice as I am not out and struggling with the I want to be out but don't want to come out thing too. Good luck though.
I understand! My mom would piss me off with her homophobic crap so bad that one day I shouted that I was a lesbian and that I take full pridebin who I am. Ofcoarse she keeps trying to pretend it's not true but I'm glad that it's not a secret anymore.
More than likely, I will remain in the closet. :\ It feels horrible, though, to feel like I'm living a lie. But I guess as long as my husband and I are together, then it really doesn't matter anyway, right, since I'm not looking for a girlfriend on the side or anything? Meh.
Sounds to me like, for now, it's just the hateful comments and prejudice that are the problem, no? Can you reply the same way you might if they were racists? "That's a pretty hateful thing to say. Do you know any gay people? People are just people you know. What if it was me, would you still feel that way/say those things? Are they personly ruining your life? No? Well. Get a grip then and please think before you speak. Especially in front if me because I don't like it." I thought if you act as if you are defending others, it might make it easier. Just a thought.
