Hi there, I'm Captain66, won't say my name. I'm finding myself in an odd position lately. I realized since puberty I was interested in both girls and guys, feelings, emotions, care, and sexually. I've always been perceived as a heterosexual person. Nobody really questioned it beyond the crude jokes throughout high school that every social circle seemed to throw out once and a blue moon. I've been closeted since then. Over the past year after high school I began to open myself up a little bit, seeing what's out there for me to explore. I thought, why not? Fast forward to today, I've met the perfect man, a few years older than I, but we're almost completely connected and compatible. We have only communicated over texting and are planning our first movie date this weekend, in which he's already shared his intent to kiss me. While I realize the short span of time we've known each other isn't like knowing him for months, I believe we are quite similar, and certainly attracted to one another enough to want to go on a date. He's handsome, kind, considerate, caring, and above all else, connected to what I'm thinking. It's uncanny. The problem - I'm not out as a bisexual man. I've only ever kissed girls, dated girls, had any deep-set emotional connection with a girl. Never done a thing with a guy beyond the untold sexual attraction I have to them. So, I'm extraordinarily nervous. I'm not even sure if I'm ready for a date yet. Let alone kissing. Am I attracted to him enough to want to be kissed? Heck yes! But ever since I began exploring my feelings more lately, I've still never acted on any of my feelings towards another male. I've told this guy that I'm not out and that I'm bisexual and not completely gay and that I want to take things at the slowest possible speed between us. He told me, countless times, he wants me to feel comfortable with him, never to be nervous, and he will always support and care for my decisions and if things didn't work out between us, he'd want to be friends for sure. So what am I concerned about? He seems like the perfect catch, right? Well, I'm just concerned about appearances as terrible as that sounds. We want to go to the movies, but my friends all work at the theater. He's got a similar personality, but much more outgoing than I am (which I'm more than attracted to), so he seems like a buddy to me as much as a romantic catch. But the fact remains that I've been so caught up in the idea that I must get a girlfriend, get engaged, get married, have kids with my wife that just the thought of going on a date with a person of the same gender makes my mind run laps with no finish line. I'm confused if I want to go on this date, I'm wondering how I'll feel, if I'll be able to hold his hand or kiss him, and if things go well, how fast will he want to move forward? He's a guy who's had long-term relationships in the past. His most recent one spanned 4 years almost. I'm not a hugely social person either, so if this goes well, he may wish to see me daily right from the get-go (which most likely will happen with his personality), have me meet his parents, meet his friends, his siblings, all before I tell my friends, parents, and other family members what I feel for other guys, let alone I have a guy I'm seeing... I just need help wrapping my head around the subject. It's freaking me out and I have nobody to get advice from because nobody knows my true feelings but this guy I want to date, but don't want to go ask him his advice on a situation involving us! Gosh, I just need some advice! haha Thanks in advance for the help and support! EDIT: The other thing I should mention is that I'm in no way opposed to the idea of being with a guy, having a long term relationship with a guy, getting married and raising children with a man. I'm just young, inexperienced, and completely new to this whole experience that it scares me to death what could happen. The major thing I wish society didn't have was labels. If there were no words for homosexual, heterosexual, straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. in the English language that would be great in my opinion. It would make society more tolerant I believe. But alas, nothing in the world is ever perfect, not in the slightest. I'm lucky in that I believe my friends and family will be rather accepting of me being bi. I know many of my friends have other close friends who are gay, which helps the process. But for me, being someone who's been known to be straight and who have dated really good looking girls in the past, I don't know if they'll think I'm joking or not. But I believe that just saying my feelings doesn't complicate my relationship with them (my friends being most only guys). I mean, it's not like I'm just going to say "Hey I'm bi and I have a guy I'm dating but hey because I just told you I'm gonna dump him and go non-stop after you now!", doesn't work like that. I hope they can see that my feelings for other people will never change the dynamic of our own relationship/friendship/brothership.
hey man i know the feeling. it was awkward for me too. before i came out to my friends, i was flattered by the attention i got from women. not wanting to be exposed i just went ahead and dated them (i know you're bi so bear with me here, haha!). in any case it became harder and harder for me to keep it in and finally i just couldn't handle it anymore, when finally i made the decision to come out. it kinda scares me, to be honest, how similar our predicaments are especially the whole friends and family bit! i love my friends and now even more so that they know about me! i'm generally a pretty masculine (i don't know any other word to use so sorry if i come across as conceited) type of guy. i like sports, especially ones in the water, and i hang out mostly with guys. we tend to act like idiots a lot of the time and we horse around a lot and i assume that you're in a pretty similar situation. now, as for advise with coming out (if that's what you're planning to do, no pressure) then i would start slow. go with the one person you undoubtedly know would be okay with the whole thing. that's what i did with my sister. this part is just to help you let it out and help with the whole transition. you'll find that it'll be so much easier once you take that first step. after that, just keep telling in succession one after the other the people you trust the most. i started with my sister, then my best friend who i knew could care less about my preferences, and so forth. it helps if you do it one at a time because they'll be flattered at how personal the situation is and shows them how much you trust them. it'll be easier on you because you don't have to deal with so many people at the same time. i found that it takes the edge off when you have a buddy you told to back you up when telling another friend because you'll have a bit of encouragement on your side. i did this with a couple of my friends and we spent the whole night just laughing at how much the whole situation changes now that i've admitted to liking guys! once all my friends were done the hard part had to come, telling my mom. i did the same thing you know, talked to her in private. this helps her know that i'm trying to make an attempt to connect with her. after my mom told me it was alright with her, i knew that it was just going to get better from there. the last people i told were my other siblings and i did so with no fear because my parents were now cool with it. i don't go around advertising my sexuality but now if anyone asks i tell them the truth. i tell you man, it will be great once you do it. as for your relationship, i can tell you that if you're potential love interest has already agreed to taking it slow then you have nothing to worry about! he'll understand your predicament and may even help you along the way! if you guys are moving too fast, don't feel afraid to tell him, he'll just be happy that you're honest with him about the whole thing. i really hope this helps and please let me know how it goes!
Thanks adrianislander, it does reassure me. Honestly, I wouldn't know any other way of putting it other than I act like a masculine man, no accent, no gestures or even the slightest inclination that I might be, sound, or act like a prefer or equally care for guys in a romantic fashion as much as girls. With girls, I like the emotion, the chase, and the beauty until it gets sexual. With guys, I don't mind the emotion, there really isn't any chase, but I like the idea of sexual attraction to guys. If one day I marry a man, which in my state it's legal to do so, I'll begin to call myself gay. But if I keep the option on the table that I also like girls, which is very true still, I'll still call myself bisexual. As terrible as it sounds, I think it'd be easier to have people understand that I like girls and guys because it'd make more sense with my past dating only girls. And to the part of trusting one person with this, I agree with you. I have two friends I could easily entrust this information with and they wouldn't think another thought in their head about me, and they'd still keep up with joking about girls, and maybe guys too to make me feel more comfortable with the whole thing. The unfortunate thing is, my best friend I've known since Kindergarten is in the Army away to Germany for a while and I'm not in contact with him until he gets back stateside. So I get trust my other close, oldest friend with the info since he's on vacation from college this summer. They both have gay friends and are cool with it. So I don't have much to worry about. My mom, like mom's do from time to time, asked me when I was 13 when she caught me looking at "not good images" on the computer, if I was gay. I flat out denied it because I was scared, and to be frank I was looking at both genders in what was on the computer, so it was rather plausible at the time. Ohhh puberty... But I think she'd be completely fine with me telling her about it. It's my dad who will be nutty about it. Though I don't speak to him often at all, even living in the same household, so I shouldn't have a great deal to worry about. I'm still planning on getting married, having a home, and having children so my mom most likely wouldn't care either way as long as I was happy and she had grandchildren too one day. The guy I'm "somewhat seeing" is very understanding of taking it slow. He seems to want to hang out with me everyday, but I keep avoiding the advances to just say we'll just go to the movies on Saturday. I've told him I'm anti-social and a very private person, with friends, family, relationships, and he understands that completely. He's even told me he doesn't want me to meet his friends or family until I feel comfortable doing so. He's a catch for sure, and it's unimaginable that I found him. He's a rather masculine guy, but his friends are all girls compared to my friends who are almost all guys. And he's been out for probably 8 years compared to my none, and he's completely gay, unlike me on the fence with girls and guys. So I have a LOT to get use to and comfortable with. I'm just extremely glad he is so understanding of my concerns.
I was also concerned that people wouldn't take me seriously because I had dated men, and I had been married for 9 years. No one questioned it. Everyone I told accepted that I was a lesbian. And I have no experience with women. I'm actually in a somewhat similar situation as you, but haven't made plans yet to meet the person I've been speaking with. It's very exciting for you! Have fun and try not to be too nervous
hey man i'm so happy that i at the very least helped in a small way! i'm glad that you trust your friends so much, it just reminds me a lot of my own! do you know someone in your group who is out? it definitely helps to talk to them about this as well. as for your best friend, i can tell you that again i have a very similar situation. my friend (who was actually gay and had relayed to me his feelings for me although at the time i wasn't out yet) was a big comfort to me before he left to hawaii. we hung out all the time and to this day i consider him one of my closest friend. when i decided to come out i tried my best to be smart about it. i came out to the people i knew and loved the most and on one on one sessions. when the time came, i felt that i owed my friend in hawaii the same courtesy. i told him and we have never been closer. we talk all the time when we get the chance and i think you can have that as well with your best friend. maybe it will help to tell him first so you know for a fact that at least one person will love you no matter what (although i'm just as confident that your other friends will be just as cool). as for your mom, i think she'll be okay with it especially since she asked you at a younger age. my mom had never put any interest in my dating life but she was appreciative of my honesty and i think the same might go for your mom. i'm not so close to my dad either but i know he is okay with it. i hope this helps and again i wish you luck with your guy! he sounds like a real catch!
