In concealing my sexuality throughout the past years, I have told numerous lies to various friends and I am worried as to how they would react in relation to that if I ultimately do reveal the truth. I wonder to what extent they would condemn me for fooling them and to what extent they would be tolerant, realizing that it was somewhat inevitable for me to lie that way as I wasn't yet ready/willing to come out as gay (I am still not willing, but I am curious about the hypothetical scenario nonetheless) and as it wouldn't have been really favorable for me to do so due to the very homophobic environment I am in. I am particularly worried about my closest circle of friends, whom I've misled the most. The lies I've told them have been that I've had romantic interests for a few girls and sexual interests for a lot of them. There haven't been any especially elaborate lies - most of these have been casual comments - but due to their sheer plenitude as well as the great amount of situations in which they have recurred and thus propagated themselves make them seem much graver. For example, when playing Truth or Dare with question about sex, which I've done with my friends about 30 times if not more, I've modified my answers to dozens of questions according to a heterosexual outline, e.g. I've talked about sexual dreams about girls, sexual fantasies about girls while masturbating, watching lesbian pornography, the (physical) features of my ideal girlfriend, various things related to losing virginity to girls, etc. Furthermore, my friends have been making thousands of comments about me in relation to girls as though I were heterosexual and I've gone along with just about all of them, even responding accordingly to some. Thus, I believe I have been misleading all of them to a great extent, i.e. I've developed and sustained a detailed hoax, that is now quite well-established. It's not as though I was making all of these things up - some I did, like the lesbian pornography, but for many other things I said, it was just that they weren't meant in the way they were understood in the context. For example, I have indeed had sexual dreams (because dreams are random and uncontrollable) and I have had sexual fantasies about girls (because there I actually fantasized about myself with the girl, rather than the girl herself). Naturally, my friends didn't understand the information this way. They simply assumed otherwise, based on likelihood. The fact that I completely left out all information about my homosexuality also greatly obscured the situation, just like showing a corner of a painting can obscure the portrayed subject of the entire painting. I don't really understand how anyone managed to be deceived though - it seems to me that it is painfully obvious that I am homosexual. I fit in with so many aspects of the stereotype (perhaps not all, but sufficiently many nonetheless). I find it hard to embrace the fact that they have ignored all of that (whereas I'm sure it's not that they're just going along with my lies to placate me). I suppose that they just don't expect me to be homosexual and subsequently misinterpret any manifest signs of that as something else, just like one misinterprets all the clues pointing to the killer when reading a murder mystery, which become so transparent after the actual denouement. Anyway, now that they have been deceived, I wonder if they would be offended should they discover this. I suppose they will be to busy being offended by the notion of me being homosexual, as they are all quite homophobic, but regardless of that - would you say in general that people condemn homosexuals for the lies they have been telling to conceal their sexuality just like they condemn any other lie? Would you yourself be outraged if you found out a close acquaintance lied about their sexuality for their own benefit? I particularly wonder what the girl who found out I purportedly liked her would say - she has probably been the most affected. In the case with her, the lie has been personal and has affected her directly. It has caused her unnecessary distress, I suppose - she was quite displeased by the notion that I should harbor romantic feelings for her and I suppose she would be quite wroth to discover that it was all rubbish. Then again, as I said, this isn't really important, as I do not really propose to come out and I will separate myself from all acquaintances at the end of the next school year when I will go to college anyway. I am nonetheless curious, particularly as I've gotten myself into a pickle again. Yesterday, I inadvertently told one of my friends that I like someone. I do like someone, a boy, but I didn't wish to speak of that. I just blurted out "yes" when she asked, because I didn't really find a chance to think. I suppose that I also felt a compulsive need to confess what I've been hiding, just because keeping secrets has that effect on a person, just like killers allegedly have a compulsive urge to turn themselves in. Anyway, now she's drilling about who that person is. I don't know what lie to produce to get myself out of this, and while thinking about this, I began to worry about lies related to sexuality in general. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this.
good day sir! i truly hope that you take no offense from the opinions i am about to relay to you and may i just say that you are a wonderful writer? living where i do, the idea of coming out was never much a luxury as many outside seem to have but an inevitability, one that i am proud to say has come with open arms and with no judgement. i was in a very similar situation as yourself, having friends that just assumed that i was heterosexual due to the circumstances, and unlike yourself i never exerted an aura of homosexuality, although i attribute this more to my self confidence rather than to my fear of exposure (but i am not making any insinuations to your predicament. if this comes across as offensive i do apologize). i love to paddle. in my community it is filled with many people and all of them quite the masculine type and several are the occasions where we talk about women and even go so far as to put down 'gay' people that we thought were hiding something. we would playfully tease each other and sometimes even go so far as to use homophobic rants. to this day i regret it. i myself have dated women but only in a feeble attempt to try and 'normalize' myself to my friends but as time went on i realized that i was exceptionally unhappy. when finally i mustered the courage to come out, i felt an overwhelming sense of purpose, to give to these people the right to know of who i truly am seeing as that they themselves have trusted me with their own secrets. i was surprised to have been met with kindness and to this day i have never regretted coming out of the closet. i'm not telling you this because i want you to do the same, but to tell you that sometimes we as homosexuals can underestimate the generosity and love of our fellow straight brethren. you have mentioned that your friends are homophobic but maybe because they are unaware of being in the presence of a homosexual, they feel that this is a territory that, because of the media, they should bring down and not relay their true thoughts about homosexuality. i did not come out at an effort to assuage my unhappiness but to alleviate my guilt of not being truthful to those who were truthful to me and i was surprised when i was granted both. i do hope only the best for you and i hope you will come to terms of telling your peers in the same manner.
First off, I'd like to commend you on your vocabulary. Your metaphors made your thread more interesting to read! Second, I just want to point out that I may not be the perfect person to answer your question, as I've only come out to one person, but I'll do my best to give you what you need. As for your lies, I can say with absolute confidence that gay men (and women) have lied about their sexuality to stay closeted; if no one lied, there would be no closet to begin with. And from what I understand, all you've told are white lies, simple things like "Oh yeah, she's cute." I'll be the first to admit that I've said things like that to stay off my friends' radar (I think in this context it would be gaydar). The one person I have come out to was utterly shocked when I told him. He said that there was no possible way I was gay because I always checked out girls and called them hot (sound familiar?). And I replied this time with the truth, and said that I had told small lies not to attract attention to myself and keep people from thinking that I was gay. It apparently worked. So don't feel bad for staying in the closet; and occasionally you will have to lie. But realize that you can't, and don't want to, stay in the closet forever. When you do tell your friends, if they are truly your friends, they will not be offended in the slightest that you led them to believe you were straight, and they will still be your friends. You will know when you are ready to come out, so there is absolutely no rush; take your time, and tell me how everything goes when you do come out! Hope this helps! :icon_wink
When you come out, as you seem to be doing by your disclosure to the girl, and if your disclosure "goes viral", just tell them that you wanted to be straight, felt like at some point you would be if you simply lead a "straight life", felt that you might just be going through some kind of phase as you matured, and did not want to assume a gay identity that would not make sense once everything stabilized and you turned out to be as straight as you wanted to be. BUT, now you realize that you were only fooling yourself by trying to be something you aren't and never were, realize that you are much more gay oriented than straight, and want to be honest and open about it with all your friends before you leave for college. They can certainly understand this sort of "confession", because that is how most of them would act given the same circumstances about themselves; some of them are probably going through this same process of self-discovery right now, so that will give them empathy. If they aren't total twits, they will accept your revelation/apology and move on. Any of them who don't will be left behind when you leave for college. "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" has lasted as a quotable saying forever for a reason.
I didn't do this a lot, so when I came out to friends I had fewer lies to look back on. But hey, I was never part of a good group of straight male friends as a teenager. Actually I think my reluctance to engage in that kind of sexual banter harmed my chances of socialising with other guys in years past. So there are upsides to what you've done - making good friends - and hey, you're 17, just getting started, just coming out. As you move into your twenties and beyond, and look back on this period, neither you nor anyone else will begrudge you the deceit - I mean, no-one is born "out". Every LGBT person is forced to negotiate through fits and starts and self-discovery a new persona, one neither their friends, nor their family, nor they themselves, envisaged originally. There is always awkwardness to that negotiation. Maybe just say 'I lied' but make it sound kind of cool/badass if that makes sense? And then brush it off.
Thank you all for the input. I do agree that I may be giving my friends a little less credit than they might deserve and that they may re-examine their homophobic views once they learn that they've been in the direct company of a homosexual for quite some time. Yesterday, when I asked my closest (or perhaps second-closest) friend from the group how she would react if her best friend turned out to be a lesbian and had fallen madly in love with her, she took the question quite lightly and said that she would merely withdraw from the lesbian friend to allow for her feelings to subside. I suppose I also see how the concept of the "closet" does naturally entail lies and that one can hardly be born "out". This is rather brilliant, I daresay - it seems like something they would actually buy. Obviously, it is but a set of further lies, as I wasn't ever confused (well not since I was 10-11 years of age, anyway), but it may be a convenient solution even so. I suppose it all depends on whether I find myself to be in quite a predicament in case I do come out, or if everyone is supportive (or at least indifferent). I couldn't agree more. Neither was I. To this day, I have never had a proper straight male friend - the closest I've come is the relationship I have with the guy I'm in love with currently, but even this barely qualifies for a friendship. I am also generally far less inclined to coming out to any boys than girls, as boys are far more homophobic, based on what I've experienced. As for the group of friends I'm talking about, it is consisted of me and about 7-8 girls (yet another tell-tale sign about my sexuality that has been overlooked...). It occasionally absorbs the odd boy, but nothing much develops from that. I don't think that would really work for me - I am hardly the cool or badass type. I don't think I could pull something such off even if I tried. I agree that it would be helpful, though. Finally, in regard to the actual coming out suggested in some of the replies, that has never really been the plan, but things are going awry, as I mentioned in the original post - my friends are exerting pressure (and really unpleasant pressure at that) to find out who I like based on what I inadvertently blurted out.
Oh sorry, I just assumed (bad habit!) from the relationship you had with this circle of friends that they were guys - in my experience, it's common for males (whether gay or straight) to discuss intimate details of attraction/fantasy with other guys, but much less common for straight girls to listen to the same thing from a male friend. But this is an interesting twist. I have to say, you're probably right about the greater homophobia in boys rather than girls - and I'd imagine that their homophobia would recede in the face of their affections for you were you to come out. The reaction of your friend to the hypothetical is a good sign. However, I'm slightly confused as to their negative feelings in the first place: teenage girls are probably some of the least anti LGBT people you can find, where religion is not a factor. Are you in a homophobic country/region? I empathise with what you're going through with your friends hounding you over your crush. I've experienced similar things, to a lesser extent. I think if it won't cause too much trouble, just use it as a springboard for coming out. Frankly, if they don't understand now why a teenage gay guy needs to lie to protect himself, then they will in a few years time when they grow up a bit. It's a no brainer, as they say.
I don't know about that - I've gotten the impression that straight girls would actually be quite interested to hear details of attraction/fantasy from other guys, because the subject is somewhat more foreign to them (and thus intriguing), as well as because they want to get more useful insight as to how the opposite sex (which they are in the meantime trying to attract) actually thinks. Even besides this, they are simply fascinated by the notion of sex in general, so they're eager to talk about anything that may relate to it (so it seems). Indeed, I've found that teenage girls are the least anti-LGBT people, but in my experience, that has simply meant that they are somewhat less anti-LGBT than all the others. Anyway, I don't know if I could say that I live in a homophobic country (I live in Macedonia), but the LGBT community isn't really recognized here. It's not legally persecuted or anything of the sort (after all, last year I did have two male teachers who were openly lovers and have since moved to Canada to get married, if I'm not mistaken), but it's not publicly promoted either. Most people seem to be averse to it or at least not understand it, possibly because there are not too many openly LGBT people to dispel various misconceptions. Meanwhile, the older conservative generations are propagating their prejudiced views (and the older generations are indeed quite conservative, I daresay). Of course, there are quite a few people I know who fully accept the LGBT community, but all the others are still somewhat of an issue.
It's not unusual for gay people to lie about their sexuality, or, at the very least be evasive about it. I certainly did my fair share of lying and avoiding questions. I think there are two great difficulties to coming out: 1 - the unknown. Not being certain of other people's responses 2 - admitting to past lies When you come out, it gives you an opportunity to turn your back on all of that and explain to people why you felt the need to lie or be evasive. It's about making people realise how difficult it is to find acceptance in yourself and others. Most important of all it's about creating a healthy and honest relationship with people. If and when you come out, make time to explain what all of the lying was about and why you felt the need to do it. Hopefully, people will be good enough to understand.
