Hi guys! I've seen this page yesterday and seemed very interesting so decided to join today so yes I'm a newbie! Lol, so hi! Okay so let me start with the issue I'm having, I'm 21 and came out to my family last year 5 months after I got in my first serious relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year. I did it for me but for him aswell even if my family would be against it, I strongly believe that if you are man enough to get in a gay relationship you should be strong enough to come out. Unless there's a huge serious issue that can bring extremely bad dilemmas. In this case though my boyfriend who's 34, has indeed present me to his friends and closest family members, sister, aunt and cousins. The issue is, 2 things. He sounds as if he is NEVER going to come out to his mother. We love each other very much, and he wants me to be the one he'll marry. But I just can't seem to accept the fact that I will always be hidden from his mother. It bothers me a lot. He explains all the time that he knows why he says it, she's a homophobic person who rather see her kids in a casket underground than seeing them with a person of their same sex, but all I expect from him is to at least tell her "mom I'm gay and I married Rafael". Even of she hates it I just want to be known. Perhaps it's childish of me but this is why I need some advice regarding this. The second issue that I'm coming to realize is family in general. The families that know about him never ask about me, when mine does, if there was a Christmas party this year from my family's part I know they wouldn't mind inviting him. But his family always have special gatherings and they never invite me, it's not the fact that they don't invite me I'm not that sensitive! It's the fact that I'm in a relationship where I don't feel like I cannot become a part of his family, and that sucks. He gets mad and tells me that the relationship is not me and his family it's me and him only, although he's 100% right, it's still bothersome and I don't think I can handle being in a relationship like that. Maybe I'm not seeing things right, maybe I'm wrong but I just don't feel like I'm "important enough" I can't talk this out with him because he'll just get agrivated and simply repeat the same ol' things. We are different in every aspect, I'm an introvert guy when it comes to socializing in big groups, but I'm a full on extrovert when it comes to expressing myself, and personal dilemmas and showing my relationship without fear of what others think. He's an introverted and reserved person in anything that has to do with personal things (everything) his sister doesn't even know he works!!! But he's an extroverted person in social gatherings. We are complete opposites and we crash a lot, we view things completely different. Of I see black he sees white. I just think these issues are gonna hurt me in the long run. Am I wrong? Any advice in what to do?
I can kind of relate to your boyfriend. My parents would hate me for being gay. They would never recognize any of my relationships as being "legitimate". But he's lucky he got a guy like you to try to help him through this. As much as I hate to admit it, most gays do eventually have to come out.... but try to understand his position. I sometimes cry at night alone at the mear thought of telling my parents the truth. He is probably terrified. I do not think you be offended, him not telling his mom is not a reflection on his love for you. He is probably afraid of losing his mother.
I personally don't think I'll ever come out. I plan on leaving and no longer seeing my family at some point anyway but I posted about the situation on here and found that people tend to think that a guy would be fine with their partner not being out as long as he wasn't in contact with his family, which basically is similar to what you're saying, in that he may lose contact if he comes out. Surely there's no need to come out if he's just going to lose his family because of it?
I would have a hard time with the situation you describe. If he wasn't going to be close with his family that's one thing, if he is and just wasn't going to include me I couldn't abide it. Yes, the relationship you have is with him and not his family, but it sounds like you reasonably want to share a life with him--his whole life--and he doesn't want you to be part of a part of it. I have to say this would quite possibly be a deal breaker for me--not to mention I would find it frustrating, if I were you, that he doesn't seem to respect your feelings on the matter. I hope you can come to some sort of resolution that you find satisfactory.
I think it depends on the situation. Since your boyfriend is 34 he should be able to come out at this point. He needs to start living his own life.
