So scared to come out to straight friend.

I'm a 21 year old bisexual guy from Brazil (brace yourselves, English mistakes coming in all shapes and sizes) and haven't come out to anyone yet, but I really really want to. Obviously I'm afraid of what people's reactions might be and I'd only come out to a few friends, definitely not to parents/family. At this point in my life, I have two friends I know I can totally confide in and feel comfortable to talk about my sexuality with - not that I ever do this, but I feel like I could.

One of them is my neighbour and she's a lovely person and super accepting of all things gay and she'd probably love me even more for telling her. The other is my best male friend, let's call him Tim, and that's where things get complicated. Just for the record, he's from the UK, that's where we met last year. We lived in the same flat for 6 months and then I had to move out but we kept in touch for the rest of my stay there - another 6 months - and by the end of last year we were like brothers. We hung out so much, he was the person I would spend most of my time with, even though we didn't go to the same uni or didn't live in the same place. We would text each other daily and talk on the phone every now and then and I would go to his place every single weekend for the last 3 months I was there - he lived with some friends whom I ended up befriending too.

I love him a lot. Of course he's good looking and hot and British haha, but honestly he had a girlfriend for years (his childhood sweetheart, cute) and hooks up with girls every now and then - drunken flings, yes, but still - so I know we're just friends. We've talked about gay people before and he seemed to be okay with it. He suspects one of our friends (say, Bob) is gay and he's constantly telling me he likes the fact Bob's been hanging out with gay/bisexual people cos that'll probably make him understand himself a bit better, therefore making him happy about who he is. Tim said he's fine with it but doesn't feel very comfortable when Bob just gives him unexpected massages and hugs him for too long or something like that.

After he told me that, however, some things happened that made me really confused. We've slept in the same bed - it was a double bed and nothing happened - but he was okay with it. In fact one of the times he even suggested I should take my sleeping bag, but when bedtime came he said I could sleep in his bed with him. Which sounds perfectly natural. But then we'd been lying there for a while, talking, sharing, getting deep in conversation you know...I really opened up about how I didn't want to leave and how that year had been amazing, as well as all the people that I'd met etc, and I teared up a bit, which he could tell by my voice. Then he said 'Are you okay, Archie?' and I said I was and then he kind of rolled over and sort of hugged me rather awkwardly, but that was very sweet. He's not an average guy, definitely not a lad. He can be a little effeminate sometimes, but he's very caring and has a very big heart and I just think he was being nice.

Another interesting episode: we're in his bedroom talking about his work, just the two of us in the house. I ask him where his workplace is located and he tells me it's rather far from where he lives, tells me what a hassle it is to get there and back, and ends up saying his feet sort of hurt a little. Then asks me if I can give him a massage. I've always been very grateful to him, he'd been such a good friend from the very beginning of my year abroad and I would just basically do anything to make him happy - but to be honest I'm quite caring about all my friends really. Perhaps not to the point where I'd give them foot rubs, that much is true, I only did it because he's cute so I don't think his feet are gross, but I wouldn't do it to most of friends. But the point is, he asked me a favour and I didn't see a reason not to do it. So I did it. He said he enjoyed it.

A couple of months later, we come back from New Year's Eve, it's like 5 am and we get back to his place, take off our shoes and go upstairs to his room. He sits on the bed, I sit on a chair opposite. He sticks out his feet for me to massage them. I do so most willingly and we keep talking as I do it. Then a straight couple who live with him come back home and ask us if we want water, we say we do, so they get some glasses of water and go to his room to join us. I pretend I'm going to help them as they're coming up the stairs, so I stop massaging his feet and get up so they won't see what was going on - people might misunderstand. He acts as if we'd just been talking and no massaging had just taken place.

We've always had a very open relationship, we feel comfortable to talk to each other about everything - well, pretty much everything in my case. He's told me about his breakup and we kept talking about it and his process of getting over the girl, we've shared 'she's hot' comments while watching a show together and I may have slipped the occasional comment about my ex once or twice just to stay on the safe side. He never asks too many questions about my sexual endeavours, which is quite relieving I must admit. I've said to him how I think he's a great guy and I look up to him in many ways and I'm proud of who he is, that he's always been a very good friend and I'm lucky to have met him. He's told me I'm a very good friend too and I'm a great guy and he loves how we can chat about everything and anything. We basically have the same personality so that played a big part in getting us this close. I just want him to be happy and I've told him that, and he's told me that too.

So bottom line is, he is a wonderful little fella and I honestly think he'll be supportive and accepting, but it could go the other way and he could just snap and think about the times when we slept in the same bed and I massaged his feet and jokingly complimented his nipples or said a bunch of good thinks about him and just think I'm disgusting. He could say he doesn't want to keep in touch anymore or say that he doesn't care about it but start acting differently, I don't know. I just don't want anything to change. I don't want this friendship to come to an end, he's my best mate and one of the few people I feel like I can be myself around. I really want to come out to him, stop hiding, he has the right to know and most importantly I want him to know who I really am. But on the other hand I'd be completely crushed if that drove us apart. So yeah. I really want to tell him but I'm scared shitless he might be a dick, however unlikely I reckon that would be.

Sorry about the awfully long post. Thanks for reading.

 

Yes that makes sense. I keep postponing telling my neighbour even though I know she'll be ok with it, and just want to tell him instead for some reason. I really don't know if he suspects it, he's not the judging kind but I could be wrong.

Thanks for your input! x

 

Thank you, Yossarian! I've had this conversation in my head like a thousand times, of what I could say when I finally come out to him. And this is a safe bet I think. Letting him know that I respect him a lot to risk losing his friendship over the possibility that he may not have been completely honest when he said he was straight. That's why I want to wait until I'm seeing someone - only that may take a while

But thanks anyway, whenever I do it, I'll be sure to let him know that!

 

Thanks for the kind words, jnr183!

I was just reading some of your old threads and we're going through such similar situations! I definitely think we should talk more, it would benefit us both I believe! Thanks for letting me know