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The idea of coming out terrifies me. (pretty long and rambly)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Shirobeans, Jun 26, 2014.

  1. Shirobeans

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    Hi there!

    In reality, I've known for years that I'm a lesbian, but for pretty much as many years as I've known, I've refused to let myself believe it was true. I did everything I could to try and convince myself I was straight - I pretended to be interested in guys like the majority of my friends, even dated a few men (but felt I couldn't feel anything other than friendship for them.)
    Truthfully, I've only stopped denying it a few days ago. I was scrolling through Facebook, bored, (as you do) when I got a message from an old (also lesbian) school friend, who upon noticing I had pride posts on my wall (my friends are pretty much under the impression I'm merely a supporter of gay rights. Which I am, but (thankfully?) they never read anything deeper into it) and just simply asked "Are you gay?"

    Of course, being the denial-pants I was, tried to laugh it off - but then I stopped and just thought "what's the point?" and admitted that, yes, I am a lesbian. In one sense, it didn't feel so bad to just be truthful about it. It was liberating, almost. It was really good to have a (fairly short) conversation with someone who understands, and said friend had only recently came out. And I admire her bravery to do so.

    I tried telling my mother I was gay, once, in a moment of "maybe I am". She told me that it was just a phase. She's a fairly open-minded person, but somehow I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. Her brother - or my uncle- is gay, and she's all cool with it, but somehow, my mind thinks she may think differently about me coming out for the second time to her. My step-father is kind of... he's okay. He's made jokes about how I "must be gay, because I have no interest in sex and men." Because that's totally how you measure someone's sexual orientation, no? :icon_bigg My siblings (I'm the oldest of four) probably wouldn't care either way, since two of them are too young to really understand. (I'm 20, and there's kind of huge age gaps between us all)
    My friends... I don't know about. I have two lesbian friends, so I highly doubt they'd judge me, but I'm not too sure about the others. I have social anxiety and find it really hard to make friends, so I on't want to lose the few I've got.

    So yeah. I kind of want people to know, but the prospect of coming out and facing rejection terrifies me. So really I'm just asking to some advice.
    How did you come out? Was it as good/bad as you might have expected?

    Also, how does one go about meeting people? Old-school-friend says we should go to a local gay bar over the summer, but she says that's also not a good way to meet people. Even if I don't find a girlfriend for a LONG time (socially awkward, fat, kinda nerdy - what's not to love about me? xD ) it's just be good to meet other people.

    I'm attending Pride in my town this year, so even though it's cheesy as anything, if I haven't come out by then, I'm thinking of doing it on that day.

    If you've read all of this, thank you. I just needed to let this out in a place where people would understand. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Bolt35

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    Out to everyone
    haha strangely i think we're similar in our situations.for starters, i think it will take time for your mother to accept the fact that you are gay. i know it might take mine a bit some time. so i'm somewhat in the same situation. it was a bit more relieving then i anticipated, not too surprising when i came out. my mother also had a gay brother. she didn't tell me it was a phase though. she asked if i was really sure about it and i said yes. my dad on the other hand was ehh like a child. i think he got over it....I THINK. haha, it is a bit of a long process to accept them to accept that fact and they are a bit religious. it's sounds like everything will definitely become better in time.

    i think with friends, they can always come and go. some will stick with you, like the people here on these forums, or they can go. you have the option of having better friends then you may think. i know it feels nostalgic about keeping around the friends you have and had great times with them, but if they're not willing to accept a part of who you are, they're not going to stick around very long. it will only bring you down. it's hard to make friends (yea i got the same crap too.), but there's definitely others that will be able to do much more. i guess the best way to meet people is through lgbt events or groups, if you feel comfortable enough. it's also best to meet people who share your common interest like sports, hiking, music (i'm a proud metalhead =P ), gaming. i'd DEFINITELY avoid a gay bar. so try looking into stuff like that. have fun at Pride. i hope this helps =P. be proud of who you are as a person. when you come out, be definitely sure that you're ready for it and you feel that it's right.
     
  3. the haunted

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    It looks like you kind of already have a foot in the door. You've already made it known to your mother that you were at least questioning your sexuality and that's a wonderful step. I would sit down and talk to her again, bringing up the previous time you talked. Something like, "Hey you remember when I told you that I might be gay? Well I've given it some time, and I believe that I really am a lesbian."

    As far as telling your friends goes: If they are real friends they will still love you regardless of your sexual orientation. I know it sounds awfully cliche, but it couldn't be more true. The friends that leave you when you come out are the friends who don't stick around hell or high water. You don't want those kind of people in your life, trust me. It might take some time getting used to, but time will help them realize that this is who you are.

    I personally came out to my mom via text message because I'm a wuss haha. I was going to tell her over some Mexican food, but my brother ended up tagging along and I wasn't ready to tell him yet. I couldn't wait another day without my mom knowing. The anxiety of it all was killing me. I wasn't eating or sleeping. So after she dropped me off at my apartment I texted her. Having had gay family and friends, she was warm and supporting. Shocked because I was in a long-term relationship with a guy at the time, but still supportive. That day a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt free and I was able to eat again.

    Good luck to you. I hope everything goes better than you could possibly imagine. :thumbsup:
     
  4. Jaym

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    Hi Shiro.
    I feel similar to an extent. I've known I'm gay for years,.butalso tried not to admit it for years/ tried to turn myself straight but acting like I liked girls. I've wanted to get with girlsin clubs to put my straight mates ifthe scent but always been to scared to do that in case I didn't get 'excited' n thefear ofthe girl thinking/ saying are u gay !
    I've mostly accepted it now but not done anything aboutit. I Also lack confidence, plus I don't want anyone finding out I'm gay in case my family find out somehow. I feel stuck in a rut. I'd at least like a gay mate I could speak to openly n confide in,but don't know how I'm gonna do that . Arghh !