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I feel like a liar...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JerseyGuy23, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. JerseyGuy23

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    I am a 23 year old male, and since I was at least 14 I have questioned my sexual orientation. I have had sexual experiences with girls before, but I have never had any experience with a guy. I have an extremely supportive family as well as a great group of friends from high school and from college. For the most part I feel like they are open minded, and they do not have major issues with homosexuality.

    I have two major concerns about coming out to someone I know:

    First, since I have never had a homosexual experience, and although 23 is still very young, I have graduated college and I feel like I am past the "experimenting" stage where you can test these sort of things. My experiences with girls have been underwhelming, and I have very strong feelings for men at times, but I just don't know for sure. It is definitely something I don't want to regret admitting to someone.

    Secondly, I have very intimate relationships with my friends. I have shared very personal things about myself, and they have shared very personal things about themselves with me. Because of this, I feel a horrible guilt. I have lied to friends about my sexual orientation on endless occasions to hide my true feelings. I am afraid that if I tell them the truth they will feel betrayed by me. I have let this lie continue for so long, too long, and now I feel stuck in it.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these issues? I have lied to myself and to the people I love for nearly 10 years, and I have no idea how to get out of it. There are so many aspects of my life that I am grateful for, and my friends and family are a huge part of that. The last thing I want to do is shatter these strong relationships I've built, or to make the people I love feel betrayed and like they don't know me anymore.
     
  2. Martin

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    I think everybody has worried about telling people before. One of my biggest worries is telling people and then realising that it was maybe just a phase, but really it's not something you can keep assuming. Not having any experiences with a guy does not mean you are incapable of coming out or knowing. It is also not too late to do some experimenting either. The feeling of regret is just a natural concern we all have when we're thinking of telling somebody as we don't know how they will take it. You don't necessarily need to tell them you're gay (as you don't sound entirely convinced yourself), but there is no harm in telling them you're interested in experimenting. Lots of people do (more than what people claim to).

    You can't feel guilty for not telling somebody something you don't even know yet. What could you have told them? If you don't know the answer yourself then telling others just puts it into a crappy situation really. It's better to come out confident and happy so that you can answer their questions and make them see that is who you are. If you came out all unsure and confused then they're not exactly going to feel reassured and they'll just end up worrying. You haven't been able to figure it out yourself so you have had no reason to tell them. If they can't accept that then you should be questioning whether they really are friends or not. I can't see why they would make an issue out of it if you explained that you have only really now just started trying to find yourself.

    Coming out is about you, not other people. You can spend your whole life running away from it because you're worried about other peoples reaction but one day it will all come out. As my MSN name says, everything in darkness comes to light some day.
     
  3. Gumtree

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    I would think that your best bet is to say to them exactly what you just posted.

    1. That you feel attracted to males at times but you are not sure of the extent of these feelings/attractions.

    2. That you feel guilty for telling people earlier and that you hope it doesn't come between you.

    You're friends should realise that you're confused and wont blame you for anything, just support you.
     
  4. Louise

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    There is a whole world of difference between deliberately lying to manipulate people into believing what you want them to believe and being in denial.

    You have NOT been lying for the last ten years, you have been in denial. Not being able to tell yourself or your friends about your homosexuality is exactly that; DENIAL. If you don't say it then it isn't true. Our minds are complicated things but don't go adding guilt to the burden you already bare.

    If and when you want to come out you have to simply explain that through all those intimate discussion what you were saying is what you WANTED the reality to be but infact you were just kidding your self and that now you are ready to be honest with yourself and your friends and that you hope they will understand this 'deception' for what it was... DENIAL and not a lie.
     
  5. myra

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    I would talk to a few of your closest friends, the ones you trust the most. Explain to them you haven't been deliberately lying to them because you weren't even sure yourself. They'll understand that. 23 is definately not to old to expirament. Try dating around. You're not in college its true but that gives you a little more time to actually focus on what your feeling.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    As Louise mentioned, you are and were in denial for a long time, but you are/were not lying. Before you feel ready to tell someone about your sexual identity, you have to accept it for yourself and you have to feel comfortable about it. It is okay not to tell someone about your sexual orientation. There is nothing to feel guilty about. When the time comes and you do come out to your friends, your friends will understand. It is a difficult process to go through. There are quite a few stages that we have to overcome ourselves before we feel ready to tell others. Often when we do come out to our friends, the friendships grow actually stronger.

    It sounds a little bit as if you are still not entirely sure about your sexual identity. What might help you is you try joining a GLBT group in your area. Try getting to know some members of the GLBT community and talk to them about your feelings and listen to their experiences. Exchanging experiences can help you to place your experience into a context, which is important. Try talking to a counselor as well. Talking with others about it and through experiences you will get to the stage where perhaps the subtle lingering doubts will disappear. Do take your time though.

    I hope this helps!
     
    #6 Mirko, Aug 26, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2008
  7. Jim1454

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    Really? No idea? The answer is there. You just tell them. Get it over with.

    Sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh. If you read the coming out stories here, I don't think there has been a single example of someone that came out to their friends or family and had them say "I'm totally ok with you being gay, but because you waited 'x' years to tell me, I'm never going to speak to you again!"

    It doesn't happen.

    You've surrounded yourself by a wonderful group of friends, and you have a supportive and accepting family. They're going to be thrilled that you've finally come to know yourself well enough to share this part of you with them. They're not going to hold it against you that you didn't tell them sooner! Honest!

    And as someone who waited until he was 32, had already gotten married and had kids, and THEN started to 'experiment' I wouldn't suggest doing what I did. But at the same time, if I didn't start until then, it certainly isn't too late for you to start now.

    Join a support group. Put yourself out there as 'bi' and interested in dating other men. If you're 'new to the scene' just be clear about what you're looking for and take your time to get serious and/or physical with another guy. But at the same time, it can be really awesome when you finally find someone that you can enjoy being physical with. That person doesn't need to be a lifelong partner, but it is WAY BETTER if it's with someone that you've come to know and like.

    Good luck!
     
  8. JerseyGuy23

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    Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. This has been extremely helpful. I think that you are all correct in that I am still unsure of where my sexuality stands, and I should not be coming out to anyone when I am still unsure myself. With that said, I clearly need to start pushing myself more to figure out what I am looking for. The only way that I will feel comfortable opening up about these things to other people is if I come to terms with them myself first. (I'm sorry if I am writing to myself, I am just trying to put into my own words what you all have tried to help me with.)

    Thank you again. I do not know a lot of people in the GLBT community, so it is comforting to know I am not alone in feeling this way. Asteroid - I am doing some research, and I think I am going to look for a support group in the area where I can speak openly about these issues. No matter how uncomfortable that may be for me, it seems like the healthiest solution.