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Feeling pressured to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tardis221B, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Tardis221B

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    So I could use some advice. My mom is pressuring me to come out to my dad.

    I have no reason to fear coming out to my dad, he is extremely accepting, kind, and caring. (more so than my mother) But once I tell him I feel like there's no going back.

    The only reason I came out to my mom first is because I knew she would have been jealous and hurt if I didn't tell her first. I'm about 90% gay, but I have slight HOCD that sometimes causes me to wonder if I'm straight. So I'm trying to work past that before I come out to anyone else, but my mom keeps pressuring me to come out to my dad.

    She doesn't understand why I want to stay in the closet. And the only reason she wants me to come out is so that she can can prove she was right about a conversation from 2 years ago. :dry:

    So I guess I'm torn. I want to come out to him so he can know me better, for myself, and because pride month, but at the same time I know I'm just not ready just yet.
     
  2. Mariliss

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    Can't you hear the sounds?
    If you don't feel ready, then don't come out. Everyone should come out at their own pace, I'm sure your mother (depending on your conclusion) can wait on proving her side.
    I hope your feelings will sort out soon. :slight_smile:
     
  3. BelleLey

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    I agree with Mariliss, if you're not ready you should wait,i am sure your mum can understand.
     
  4. wandergirl

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    You don't need to fulfill anyone's expectations and wishes, not even your mom's. Only you know what you are going through and it's not as easy as it seems to be for people that are just "watching" it.
    Take your time and come out when you feel ready. Coming out when you are not ready sometimes doesn't feel good. Also, you can't rush into coming out, it's something that should develop little by little.
     
  5. happydavid

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    Wait until your ready. You'll know when :-D
     
  6. Tardis221B

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    Thanks for all of you're lovely responses everyone (*hug*)
    I'm definitely going to listen all of your advice and wait to come out. :slight_smile:


    But in the mean time, I'm definitely having issues with my mother. (sorry for the ranting/venting below)

    When I came out to my mom I assumed she would be 100% fine with it. I also thought that she already knew that I liked girls. However, neither of these assumptions were true and she's having a hard time accepting my sexuality.The frustrating thing has been that although she continually tells me she is accepting of me, her words and actions tell a much different story. It was only this friday, 4 weeks after I came out, that she finally admitted to me that she's having a hard time accepting it. I respect and understand that acceptance takes time, but what frustrates me is her hypocritical, passive-manipulative behavior. This is only making it harder for me to fight off my doubts an uncertainties about my orientation.

    She thinks that something 'turned' me gay. She thinks that my older brother rough housing with me made me like girls? That because the guy I asked to homecoming freshman year declined my offer I became a lesbian? Because of this she can't help but wonder what if he said yes, would I be straight? And my personal favorite, I'm just introverted and too afraid to talk to guys. When she does say something like this I politely explain why she's wrong, but she is having a very hard time accepting that I'm bisexual, and understanding bisexuality itself. (when I told her that romantic orientations can differ from sexual orientations she laughed :dry:slight_smile:

    The most frustrating thing for me is that she hasn't tried to make an effort to learn more about the community, instead she is using the fact that I don't fit the stereotypes as evidence that I'm straight. :dry: Anyways I realize she's in the denial stage about now, but I was so spoiled with my first coming out that I forgot that not all coming outs are like magical rainbows.
     
  7. OGS

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    I'm going to swim against the tide here and say that if you feel your father would be reasonably accepting you should try to honor your mother's wishes--I think while she may be trying to play off why she needs your father to know, that putting someone in the position of having to keep something major secret from their life partner is something one should avoid if possible. I came out to my mother first and told her not to tell my father. She said she would honor my wish. Then she came to me a couple days later and told me that she either needed me to come out to him or to allow her to tell him. I was resistant, I wasn't ready. But I'll always remember what she said: "First off you should tell your father because he's your father and he loves you and he should know and I know you will tell him eventually for those reasons but I need him to know now not because he's your father but because he's my husband. Now I know this is about you and your life and obviously it has to be your decision. And I know it's difficult and scary and I really am glad that when things are difficult and scary you feel like you can talk to me. But now that I know, this is happening to me too. And I want to do everything I can to make it easier for you because I love you so much. But it's difficult and it's a little scary and I don't always know what is the right thing to do. And in my life when things are difficult or scary or I don't quite know what to do one of the things I do is I talk to my husband and usually it helps--and you need to let me do that." I told him that afternoon...

    Obviously you need to do what you are comfortable with but I guess I would just encourage you to at least try to see it from her perspective...
     
  8. lovely lesbian

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    Only one should feel pressured to come out it's not right you shouid tell her that
     
  9. Tardis221B

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    @ OGS, Thanks for your response :slight_smile:

    I have definitely been trying to see it from her perspective, and I keep reminding her that if she wants to tell my dad I am 100% ok with that, I'm just not confident enough in myself yet to tell more people myself. I don't think I could handle it if more people expressed their doubt over my sexuality at this time, that would only make it harder for me to stop doubting myself. I understand that its difficult for her, and I'm really trying to work on self acceptance so that I can tell my dad soon, and so my mom can have someone to talk to.

    But the most frustrating thing about this is that she isn't really trying to understand or empathize with my struggles that I overcame, or those that I'm still going through. I know she want's me to tell my dad so she can talk to him about it, but another big reason she wants me to tell my dad is so that she can prove that she didn't ask if I was gay 2 years ago at lunch. That question was what really started to make me question myself and realize that my attraction to men was different. Regardless of if it was real or not, the memory has helped to be more understanding of myself. But, my mom just wants a definitive right or wrong answer, real or not, I presume that she believes if the conversation was false then that makes all my attraction fake as well. :dry: