OK, so, I used to have a relationship with my lover (Thierry) I was really really in love with him but he already had a girlfriend and couldn't leave her cos he'd have no place to live. Anyway, we really loved each other and tried to see each other as much as we could, even tho it was complicated. It was a very open relationship obviously since he wasn't really my bf, more of a lover. During the summer I hooked up with a guy called Romain and he was very kind and sweet, we met up again, talked a lot on the phone. At first I kinda started to have a crush on him but last time I had crush on a guy I met he already had a bf so I didn't want to set myself up for disspointment again. After a few days we both decided to go out together but the thing is, he's jealous and def does not want an open relationship. He's crazy in love with me but I still have strong feelings for my lover since we didn't really 'break up' and I'm not in love with my bf as much as he is in love with me... It's like, I'm eating this delicious fudge cake and all of a sudden it's taken away from me and now I have an apple pie.. I like apple pie but I'd still like to finish my chocolate fudge cake. I think one of the main reasons is because we never flirted or anything it was just like we went from 'not together' to 'together', no seduction, nothing. He's 7 years older than me and he wants a long term relationship but I don't know if I'm really ready for that. It's only been a little over a month and I'm already questioning the future of our relationship. My lover still wants to see me and I still want to see him but I don't want to betray my bf even if he won't find out. I've never been a really good bf, I've always cheated on all of my partners :icon_redf but this time is different, I don't want to cheat on him (even if I want to see my lover again). Romain is really sweet and caring but for some reason he doesn't make me as happy as Thierry used to. I really want to be in love with him because he's a great guy but I can't, it's very frustrating. I'm afraid if I do break up with him I'll regret it, I may miss out on some great things and finding a (good) bf is hard. But we had so many plans with Thierry, so many things we still wanted to do, he used to take me to these amazing places in Paris and made me discover so much (wether it was Paris, myself, love, sex, everything). Romain doesn't even know Paris and so far it seems like I'm the one making him discover loads of things and that's not what I want, well yes I do but so far I haven't seen anything new with him. I want someone to take me by the hand/guide me, I don't want to be the one taking the hand/guiding him, if you know what I mean. It tires me out for some reason, I don't feel, I dunno, secure? What am I looking for in a man? I'm not quite sure but I know Thierry used to give what I wanted without even trying. Romain is nice but a bit too serious, I'd prefer him to be a little more wild and crazy and not so vanilla. This is very frustrating.. I finally find a great guy but I'm still not happy.. He came into my life went I was felling really down and he made me feel so much better, I call him my angel because thats what he is but now I'm stuck, between the man I love and the man I want to love. And they both love me a lot. :icon_sad:
Now that's one of a love triangle. My 2 cents. You're situation will be really hard for people to give you advise on because a lot of it comes now to the nature of the people involved, none of which we know. In my opinion, there are a set few people in the world you can have a long term relationship with. Some people believe in 'the one' i believe in 'the few', if you find yourself in a relationship with someone and can't see it going anywhere then there is no point carrying it on as this person obviously isn't one of 'the few'. The longer you carry on a fake relationship the worse the breakup will be.
Well, it sounds to me that as much as you like Romain, you're not happy with him. There's no point in continuing this relationship, so don't force yourself to out of guilt. Just go easy on him and tell him the truth. If you want things with you and Thierry to advance, he can't keep his girlfriend forever, he's going to have to dedicate himself to you one day or it won't be worth your waiting. So, he needs to move out as soon as he can. Be honest with him about how you feel and things will work out. (*hug*)
Well hmm...from reading your post you said that Thierry was your lover...so maybe you liked the sex with him...I think you just need to give yourself some time out and just evaluate the situation...Thierry is with someone else..and Romanian is not. Who makes you feel special? Who do you think about 24/7? Who would you do anything for just to see them happy? Who's smile makes you happy?....I'm kinda in the same situation so ><. I'm always here to talk Janiver.
I understand more than you know what Thierry gave you. I understand the need for Thierry in your life but be honest, cut your heart open honest, there is no future in your relationship with him, however much you may love him it is just not going to happen. He will always be someone who will bring a lot to your life, enrich it but he cannot give you a future. I understand also about not loving as much the person you have now as they love you but there are two different things here; love and being 'in love'. Being in love is wonderfull, you are on top of the world, everything is wonderful, the person is perfect, you only have thoughts for them and you count the minutes that you will be with them again and relive every moment you were with them when you are not. The only problem with being 'in love' is that you create your own reality where only you and they exist an the rest of the world is incidental HOWEVER, this is the wrong way round, your 'reality' is only what you have made it and rarely lasts more than a year or two by which time routine has set in and passionate love has flown out the window in exchange for paying the bills and arguing who's turn it is to do the laundry. Above all being 'in love' is exciting and passionate but has no long term future. Loving someone is seeing them for who/what they are and still wanting to be with them, for accepting the things that annoy you and making the most of the things that don't, getting your happiness by making that person happy because you know they feel the same way and want only to make YOU happy. Wanting to build something and see where it goes. Love can be a bit dull and routien but passionate excitement is not what the world is made up of. As I see it with Romain, you have all the building bricks to make a stable happy relationship. Now it is down to you to decide what you want to do with them. Do you want a stable relationship? You are only 18 do you still want to play the field a bit? But mostly what are you scared of in a stable relationship? He is not asking you to marry him, just to be faithfull, to love him and see where it takes you both. What have you got to lose? If you never try because you don't want to get hurt then you will condemn yourself you a life of passionate flings with exciting men who bring you instant gratification with none of the hard work and none of the benefits of stability and lasting love.
Thanks everybody for your advice (*hug*) I talked to Thierry for about an hour during lunch break and he gave me the best advice ever... which only made my want to be with him even more... *sigh* Why? Because of our age difference? I don't see that as an issue.
No because he has made his choice. You have known him for 18 months now and his is still living with his girlfriend. I think that speaks volumes in itself. Had he wanted a relationship with you he would have sorted things out with his girlfriend and put you both on a different footing. You are going to hate me here but Theirry wants his cake and to eat it and you let him. I know he loves you, I know he wants what is best for you and that is why he has tried to end things with you, but he just can't let go, but he can't let go of his girlfriend either. Doesn't that tell you something? Don't tell me it is just because he has nowhere else to live, a man of his capacities could find somewhere else to live if he really wanted to and deep down I think you know that.
In love there is no right and wrong, just difficult situations that we have to try to make the most of. Theirry is a good man, can you not keep him as a friend and advisor in your life or is the physical attraction too strong for you both.
I know I sound like an 'old' person when I say this, but... You're still very young! At 18, I don't think you need to be limiting yourself to binary decisions like this. (i.e. I can have this or I can have that.) The fact is you are not limited to these two people. Over the next several years you will meet and interact with hundreds of people! Perhaps thousands. (No... 'interact' does not equal 'sleeping with them'!!! Gosh - Louise would have a heart attack! :eek So... while it might sound harsh, I'd scratch BOTH of them off your list, and move on. Romain isn't lighting a 'spark' in you. If after a month you are already questioning your relationship, then I don't think it is meant to be. Thierry on the other hand has made it clear that he can't or won't take the next step and make a commitment to you. And you're also way too young, cute, smart and available to settle for being someone's "mistress" (is there a male equivalent for that?!?). In my opinion, whether you like it or not, I'd say you should take a break from ANY relationships for a while. Why, you might ask? Why not, I'd respond. Why not take some time to get to know yourself a little better without all the stress and complications that come with being in a relationship like the ones you find yourself in. Because I truly believe that when you find the 'right' person, there won't be any of this second guessing at all. You'll know. Be patient. Life might be short, but it isn't THAT short! Slow down, smell the roses, be your own best friend (and lover if it comes to that! :smilewave). Take a break from both of these guys, and see who else is out there.
Ok the feelings you feel for people can be so strong that it can allow you to be misled. I know you won't like everything I have to say but I'm just offering you some honest advice the way I see it. Theirry is in a relationship, yes he isn't happy with it but he is in it and I feel that he is too scared to get out of it, scared of the unknown, of getting out of what he has been used to for how ever long they have had a relationship. Add in the fact that the person is a GIRLFRIEND and that tells me that he isn't entirely comfortable with who he is. You are going to hate me but while he may have feelings for you and may even love you he is USING you for the needs his girlfriend can't possibly fulfill. I am sure that you don't want to be the "other person" forever do you? I know you don't exactly feel like you want a long term relationship right now and you are 18 so that is perfectly normal but eventually you will want a long term relationship and I'm sorry to say this but Theirry will never be available for a relationship like that with you and in fact if by some miracle he did become available he probably would find every excuse not to be with you. You have put more of your heart and soul into this "relationship" than he ever will and it is because sex can be a powerful thing and because of your age that you have done that. Believe me a lot of people do and when they look back on it years later they realize it. Romain- you said all of those nice things about him but you don't seem happy. I think that may be because all the mixed emotions you are having about Theirry is preventing you from trying to be happy with Romain. I think Romain definitely deserves a chance. So my advice: Tell Theirry that you can't be with him anymore and you don't want anything more than a friendship with him and that you need a break from him for a while 2 weeks? a month? and try and give Romain a chance, get to know each other better. Maybe tell him that you want to give the relationship a chance but ask him if he can slow down a bit (because you seem a little overwhelmed by the sudden seriousness of the relationship) I know you are not looking for a long term relationship but keep an open mind and all thoughts of Theirry out of your mind and give Romain a chance. If it doesn't work with Romain, don't go back to Theirry and take a break from any kind of relationship.
Wow :icon_bigg Thank you very much !! I didn't know I'd get such great advice And thank you for your honesty too, I do NOT hate you (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Choices. It seems that Thierry has made a choice. Romain has made a choice. Which one do you think has chosen you? Relationships seem to be one of the few things in life that we find ourselves in without any idea of why we're in them. What is missing here is, "What do you want from a relationship?" If you're clear on what you want, the choice you will make will be much clearer.
Hi Janvier, Boy can I relate to your situation. I’m also “blessed” with two boyfriends :icon_redf. One I love dearly and one I seem to go out with more but can’t really see the possibility for a long-term relationship. Of course, I don’t want to give up either one, but I probably can’t have the one I really want. Two years now I’ve been dealing with this predicament and haven’t found a solution. If anything, I’m the one who is jealous when they are out with someone else. Fact is that you’re probably not ready for a long-term relationship. You also don’t want to decide between one or the other. I guess my advice is to trust your gut feeling. From your description, you definitely want Thierry and already are looking for reasons why Romain is not so compatible. You’ve made your choice. Go for the guy who makes you the happiest, even if it means you might be losing Romain. Unfortunately, we can’t always have chocolate fudge cake and apple pie at the same time. If you’re lucky, the apple pie might still be waiting for you when you’ve had all the fudge cake you can handle. That’s probably not much help. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of relationship I want. Maybe by the time I decide, I’ll lose both of my boyfriends. At my age, that would be painful. At your age, I think you can afford to play the field if that’s what you want. Just don’t burn too many bridges and be nice to the ones who love. Good luck!
