Okay, so I met my now boyfriend 6 months ago and he is 11 years older than me. I'm 20 and he's 31. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 months and obviously I knew he wasn't out when we made the decision to become a couple but now I'm starting to worry if I'm going to be happy feeling like a secret. My boyfriend describes himself as a "people pleaser" and cares a lot what his friends and family thinks and realizes him coming out could come along with negative views. Well lately some of the things he's been doing have been making me realize how big of a secret I am. If his mom calls he will tell me not to say anything or he'll just leave the room, we're at a store in his city and he'll politely/jokingly push me away and want nothing to do with it fearing people he may know might be there. Today he's having a pool party with his friends (which obviously I'm not invited to) and it seems like because they're around he has to go back to his "single, straight" self and I don't exist. He doesn't even feel that comfortable having me around anyone he knows as even "just a friend". Maybe because it'll look suspicious him hanging out with a 20 year old? I'm not sure. And the reason I'm posting this is because I want to know if I'm wrong for having these second thoughts about the relationship or if I should just stick with him and hope he decides to come out. I don't like having to go in the dark whenever someone he might know comes along. . . I just want some outside opinions on this.
no, you are not wrong for having these thoughts, i have been though something similar and its not worth it being with someone that treats you like a secret, you dont deserve that
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He has all the power to decide how your relationship functions. In essence, he is dragging you back into the closet with him. That can't be good for your well-being. Talk to him about it. His response will tell you whether the relationship is worth pursuing,
I really should bring it up again. When we first started talking (Him pursuing me) I told him I was not interested in dating a guy who was not out because I had enough dignity and self-respect to be in a situation where I would be some guy secret so he knows how I feel about it but here I am, I fell into it. And since we have discussed it before (although it was early on) I just don't want it to be perceived as me pushing him to come out. ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2014 at 03:30 PM ---------- And I do see the point about "dragging me back into the closet". I've had my own trials to go through for me to be out. I should be able to walk outside with my head held high because I've accepted who I am instead of keeping it in the shadows because my boyfriend is worried about his neighbors (Yes, he's even concerned what his neighbors will think) seeing us holding hands.
Well I'ld say to talk to him again, find the ideal time, if he cares about you I'm sure he will do something about it, but don't expect big changes. For some of us it's just extremely hard to come out. Hopefully you guys will find a balance in which both of you are reasonable comfortable. In the end it will depend on how much are you willing to sacrifice, for how long. Good luck.
Not trying to be rude, but you must understand that he likely has older parents than you. I'm 31, and my parents are homophobic. If he has any type of financial dependence on them, this makes things doubly difficult. Not quite sure as to why he wouldn't be out with his friends, especially if they are open-minded. I'm a people pleaser, but he should have been making some effort to come out to someone in that time. In any circle, there are safe people. He has to trust his gut and look around to see how people talk about homosexuality and homophobia. If people pay attention, you can usually see who is trouble and who will not be. There HAVE to be some safe people or at the least get into couples' counseling. If he isn't willing to do that, then it sounds like he isn't willing to fight for the relationship.
No, not rude at all But it seems like he's putting this on himself. My parents are younger than his but my parents didn't like me being gay. I'm sure his dad knew he was gay or atleast curious. His dad found gay porn on his computer after my boyfriend stayed at his house and apparently took him to lunch to ask him about it. He denied it ofcourse but his dad still told him that he loved him and accepted him no matter what. Unfortunately his dad passed away a year ago. And he expressed that he wouldn't know how his mom would react. I can completely understand how big of a deal it is for him. I don't want to put it on him to come out. But I'm just not sure if I'm compromising myself to be with him. Oh, and he does have 1 or 2 gay friends who don't even live in the state but still talks to, so if anyone would be a safe person to come out to it would be them. But he hasn't. He said he doesn't know why he can't even come out to them.
I'm with you guys though. I just need to bring it up, see how he reacts, what he says, and then go off of that. I realize he's not a bad guy, it is a big deal for a lot of people, but I don't think I should have to compromise myself for someone who is planning on acting like I don't exist when it comes to a huge aspect of his life, his friends and family.
yea, talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. you're not wrong about having these second thoughts. it does seem unhealthy, mental and emotional wise, to be put in that situation. the last thing you need in your life, is for someone to drag you down to their level, just so they can be happy. you deserve better. in my opinion, he needs to know that if he goes on that way, it's definitely not going to work for you or anybody else. guys like us know what it's like to live in a secret for so long and it's selfish to be put through it again at the expense for someone else. it shows that you want to be a part of his life and you could use that to let him know.
I think you certainly aren't wrong in feeling that way. You want to share your life with someone and he wants to share part of his life with you--I certainly couldn't do it.
Thanks for your guys input I wasn't sure if I was being unfair or just plain not understanding. It makes me feel like if he can't even acknowledge me in front of anyone he's had contact with then he shouldn't get the benefits of having a relationship behind closed doors. Kind of like he gets to have his cake and eat it too, you know?
Since he is struggling with these issues, seeing a counselor might help him to untangle some of these hangups. Before I could come out to anyone, I had to figure out what had been stopping me. I had been trying and failing to get myself to come out for three years. It has been a lot of anxiety, major self-esteem issues, and family of origin issues that stopped me. As I've slowly picked apart these knots, I've finally had the courage to come out to a few friends, joined a small gay men's support group, and even came out to a coworker. How would he react to the idea of counseling?
