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Thinking of coming out to my Aunt & Uncle

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Brightsky, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Brightsky

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    So I'm up at a cottage for a week with my Aunt & Uncle and their daughter. They rent this cottage every year and a bunch of is come up too visit with them all week cause they live in California and the rest of my family is here in Ontario. So anyways it's just the four of us here now and yesterday evening I was watching the Toronto 6pm news to see what was going on with world pride since I wouldn't be going. As they were showing all the events and talking about world pride my Aunt walked into the room and overheard what I was watching. Without even asking a question she said " oh wow is it gay pride this weekend, how awesome!" Then she told me how she had gone to Vancouver pride years ago when she lived there. I was so happy to hear that she was accepting of gay people and she had gay friends, omg so cool.

    So now I've been trying to decide if I should come out to her while there up visiting, or if it wouldn't be the right time. What do you guys think.

    I mean I want to come out to more family as I'm only out to my mom, but on the other hand I'm still nervous about certain family members finding out, so I don't know if after I told her or my uncle if it would then spread throughout the rest of my family.

    So what do you guys think.
     
  2. QueerTransEnby

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    Most people who are embracing of LGBT people realize the struggles they face. That is the point of Pride. I bet you any looney that she will respect your decision to keep it to herself. I've come out to my aunt and uncle on dad's side and not my mom or dad. They've kept it quiet. Usually, if someone invites you on vacation(provided they don't look at it as an obligation), they love and trust you.
     
  3. Brightsky

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    Thanks for the advice. I bet your right, I'm sure she would be okay with it as she is a very loving and kind person.

    So I just had the best opportunity to come out and I blew it. I was sitting on the dock with my aunt & uncle and other aunt. My aunt who I want to come out to was telling us all this story from her work when people were sharing something about themselves no body else knew.... After the story she asked all of us, so what's something we don't know about you, and she looked straight at me. I just went blank and didn't respond for about a min. I just said that I couldn't think of anything. She then asked her husband and my other aunt. But then she came back to me and asked again, I still just said that I couldn't think of anything. I was so scared to come out right then as I would of had to come out too all three of them. So I never answered her question, but she said that I'll have to think of something before the trip is over.

    Should I bring it up again, and use this as a way to come out. Every time I think I'm ready to say it, I just get really nervous and scared and I tell myself, well what's the point it won't change anything.

    Is this a normal reaction to have?

    Please help
     
  4. QueerTransEnby

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    It is normal I suppose for someone who is 23. Honesty is very valuable, so it WILL change something. Having allies if the crap hits the fan(and you're bound to have 1 or 2 speed bumps with somebody somewhere saying something ignorant). You need to have someone to run to and vent your frustrations. I've been coming out literally one by one, so if it is your first come out and to 3 people, it is understandable.

    She might already know. Her behavior of having you say something by the end of the trip is an open invitation I think. Come out to her alone. YOU CAN do this.
     
  5. mangotree

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    Yes, pretty much everyone 'chokes' at least once before successfully saying it, especially if it's to more than one person at the same time.

    With the two situations with your aunt, I think she probably suspects that you're gay.
    I think you should try to talk to her one-on-one if you can (without the other aunt/uncle there). She sounds lovely :slight_smile:

    Peace! (*hug*)

    EDIT: (it looks like I just copied what the previous poster said, but it's just a coincidence)
     
  6. QueerTransEnby

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    Great minds... :slight_smile:
     
  7. calgary

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    Hey how is cottage country? I've never been but I have a friend that heads out there ever year.

    The situation sounds completely normal. It really hard to tell someone and even tougher if there is a group. Your aunt sounds totally cool and a great person to tell. I would highly doubt that she would tell anyone if you didn't want her too. Unless she is that one aunt that is all gossipy (every family seems to have one) lol.

    Don't beat yourself up about missing the opportunity either. It's something I always do after the fact. She still wants a "secret" from you before the end of the trip so you still have a great opening and you can now control the timing. You may want to say something like "Aunt, I do have a secret about myself that I haven't told anyone, I'm gay"
     
  8. Brightsky

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    Hey, thanks for all the advice everyone. I've been thinking about this all evening and thinking about what you guys have said. So I'm going to try and see if I can get my aunt to come with me for a run or something, that way it will just be the two of us which will give me a good opportunity to bring this up again and try to come out to her.

    I do have some other thoughts about this that I would like your guys/gals opinion about.

    - if I do end up coming out to my aunt this trip, would it be unfair to ask her to keep this to herself? I feel like she would want to tell my uncle or want me to tell him, as he is my dad brother & she is my aunt through marriage.

    - as well the the previous question, would it be okay to ask her not to tell her daughter as she is only 11 and I really don't think she would be able to keep this to herself, she would end up talking about it to other family.

    - last question for this post. I still haven't come out to my brother(older) because we are very close and he has always been a bit homophobic, making gay jokes, he's said that two guys together is just gross/ why would you want to do that. I just feel like if I come out to my aunt that she would want to know why just her and why haven't I come out to other people I my family.

    Maybe I am overthinking all this, which I tend to do a lot. But these are all the things going through my head so I figured I'd ask away.




    P.s. - cottage country is great, if you've never been up here I would highly recommend making the trip one year. All we do when were up here is relax on the dock, go waterskiing/wake boarding, fishing and make lots of good food. I look forward to it every summer.
     
  9. calgary

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    Hey, It sounds great out there

    You have ever right to ask your aunt not to tell anyone. She sounds very understanding and I'm sure would understand. With that being said, I would tell you to be prepared that she may tell her husband anyways. If they are close they might share everything. The good news though is if she did tell him after you told her not to, it's unlikely he would say anything because then you know she broke her promise. May want to ensure she realizes you haven't told your dad yet.

    I think it's completely reasonable not to tell her daughter and would be very surprised if she didn't understand that for the reasons you said.

    I think she would be honoured to be one of the first people you tell. She will also be good support for you when you tell less accepting people. If she asks you can tell her that and you told her because of her statements.

    Hope this helps. Keep us up to date on how it goes.
     
  10. Brightsky

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    Why does this have to be so hard. I've had a few chances today when I've been alone with my aunt and I just can't get the words out of my mouth. I keep saying it in my head, going through what I want to say, but I just can't say it aloud. Why is coming out so damn hard:help:

    I'm sitting here on the dock with her, it's just the two of us enjoying the sun & listening to music. I kinda know what I want to say, and I have the previous talk we had to bring up the topic but I just can't get it together and come out, ahhhh. I just feel like once I take that step and start talking, that's it and there's no turning back, which for some reason scares the shit out of me. I mean I feel like I want to tell her, but there's something holding me back.

    Has something like this happened to you guys? How did you overcome?

    Is this a normal reaction to feel, or am I maybe not ready to tell someone else.
     
  11. mangotree

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    I'd say it's the normal reaction.
    From what you've said previously - you're ready and so is she.
    If you really don't want to tell her though, don't.

    Less words are generally easier to say.
    Just take a deep breath, exhale fully, then say it.
    Or even a couple of deep breaths.

    She'll notice that there's something on your mind, but she's probably afraid to ask you as well and doesn't want to pressure you.

    In terms of "no turning back" - every action you take in every moment changes the direction of your life.
    When you consider how accepting she is - what's the worst thing that could happen?
    Don't the positives outweigh the negatives?
     
  12. calgary

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    You are differentially not alone on the feelings you have. Especially for the first people you tell. You do seem ready but if not there is no actual pressure to come out. I know the pressure we put on our selves to come out. Your aunt does seem like a good person to tell and could be a source of support for you. In the end you have to decide if your ready. I think the biggest problem I've had in coming out is that it is something that can't be taken back. One thing to remember is that this is usually is a bigger deal in our heads than in there's.

    I know it's tough, but I agree with mangotree, starting the conversation is the hardest part. Then just spit it out as quickly as you can.
     
  13. Brightsky

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    Wooooo woooooo I did it, I came out to my aunt and she was so great about it. I'm so happy and relieved
    So I told her a few hours ago, we had gone for a long canoe ride with me and my aunts and when we got back me and the aunt I wanted to come out too went for a swim. My heart was racing, I knew I had to do it now as it was just the two of us. So we were both standing on the dock and I took several deep breaths and went for it
    Me: hey S if I told you something would you be able to keep it between us
    Her: pause.... If it was something that put you in danger then no.
    Me: no, nothing like that
    Her: then yes, I will
    Me: so the other day when you asked us what was something that nobody knows about you, I'd like to be honest with you, there is something that not many people know, I've only told 2 other people and you would be the 3rd, and that is that.... I'm gay.
    Her: that's great(big smile on her face)

    The conversation went on for a few minutes, she gave me a big hug and thanked me for telling her, then we went for another swim.
    We all went out to dinner and everything was still the same, and it just felt so great to know that she knew.

    About an hour ago we were on the dock and we talked for a good hour. She asked me if I always knew I was gay, if there was anyone special, and she said if I was dating someone by next summer that she would love for me to bring him with me.... We talked about being gay, any worries I had about coming out to other people. She reassured me that when I'm ready to come out to more family that she thinks all my family will be very supportive. Then we just kept talking about lots more stuff.

    I couldn't be more happy with the way all of this turned out and how great her reaction was. :thumbsup:

    Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on this and encouraged me to tell her.

    I feel amazing:icon_bigg
     
    #13 Brightsky, Jul 1, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2014
  14. mangotree

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    I knew you could do it!
    Congratulations :eusa_danc:eusa_clap
     
  15. PokePlayer

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    Im so happy that everything worked out for you. i hope when you're ready to tell other family members you get the same responses.
     
  16. QueerTransEnby

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    I knew it would work out well. :slight_smile:
     
  17. brianh

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    That's great! I'm happy for you. This motivates me...
     
  18. calgary

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    Congrats. So happy it worked out well for you
     
  19. person57

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    Congratulations!! I'm proud of you and happy for you!! That's great that it worked out great for you (*hug*)
     
  20. Kabuki

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    Congrats man!!! :eusa_danc I'm so glad you could muster the courage to tell her, and even better yet, that she was as accepting as you expected. :grin: