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Am I in denial?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mariju4na, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Mariju4na

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    So here goes, i'll try to be completely honest with this.
    I'm 24 male. All my life i have been straight, even since I was a kid I liked girls, even had a sexual encounter with a girl when I was 9 or 10, in which if I knew how to have sex with her I would have.
    On high school all I craved for was girls fantasized of them and be with them. Even though my friends would call me gay cause I'm blonde thin, not really the macho man.
    I could easily distinguish a good looking man and say he looks good, never had a problem with homosexuals, everyone belongs in this world and should be happy with what they are.
    Life started becoming hard for me a couple of years ago. I started had panic attacks and later fell into depression and depersonalization. I was in a relationship with a girl I just couldn't have enough sex with. We broke up. I was devastated. I had a relationship with another girl which didn't turn out so well, the sex was good tho sometimes, not all.
    So a couple of months ago, I went to masturbate, (I hope I am not offending). A gay image came to my mind and I thought I should let it pass, if I am gay I should know. I got instantly terrified.
    Suddenly, the next day, I would look at every man on the road even really old guys and gay images would float my mind, I would check my genitals to see if I am going to get hard, thinking I went gay in a day. I was almost panicked, I could barely hold on to myself because I just have been through worse in the past. (I was thinking i was going schizophrenic, didn't really happen.)
    Two months later I am much calmer, accepted the situation, not going nuts about it, but still trying to find out.
    Thinking about having sex or kissing or holding hands with other men gives me spasms I don't like the thoughts or get aroused by them. Gay porn I can't watch more than ten seconds makes me wanna run out of there, but I look at guys more often now, if they are attractive I get anxious.
    Plus my sex drive is very limited, when I fantasize I can only get hard with girls tho, but I am not really attracted to them that much anymore.
    I think I find some guys attractive, or I am wondering if I am attracted to them, but I wouldn't want to touch them or do anything with them.
    The feeling was strong when it all started and it is diminishing lately but it still gets me wonder, it is bad, it's hard for me to sleep, think, or eat, I think about if I am gay or not all day long, please help me.
    Could I be turning gay like instantly, be in the closet for so long and didn't know? Has anyone here been through this? Thank you and excuse me for the long post, I just needed to share.
     
  2. Chip

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    Nothing "turns you gay". But it happens quite a lot that people who are gay manage to remain blissfully ignorant about it until something happens that basically brings it to their awareness.

    So in your case it sounds like there's real attraction to men, that you can fantasize about them, and that thinking about men does arouse you. That means you've got attraction to men. I think the panic/anxiety/paranoia is probably because, as with most people in the early stages of coming out, this isn't what you wanted or had planned on. So that part is pretty normal.

    Now... as for attraction to girls, there are a couple of possibilities here. You could be bisexual. You could have some attraction to women, but more to men. Or you could have been having sex with women, but will find that when you have sex with men you like it a lot more.

    The spams you describe could be anxiety induced. I don't hear revulsion, I hear fear.

    So what I might suggest is to gently start approaching that possibility. Masturbate thinking about guys. Watch some gay porn (more than 10 seconds) and see if it arouses you. Explore with an open mind.

    I know this is hard, and there's always some anxiety surrounding the coming out process. But you can't change what is, and if you simply give yourself the chance to explore, you'll figure out pretty quickly if you're genuinely aroused to men.

    Finally, remember that any time we process loss, there are five stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. In this case, if you are bi or gay, there's the "loss" of perception that you're straight. The anxiety often pops up as the denial falls away.
     
  3. Vinny2

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    what about trans-sexuals? I can't watch more than 10 seconds of regular gay porn but I am totally addicted to cd's and trans-sexuals. I know that I like them because of their male genitals, which I know I am attracted to, but also because the rest of their features are feminine, which I am also attracted to. I have concluded that my basic orientation must be gay, but I like trans-sexuals much much more than guys. Maybe part of the reason, is that so my male ego doesn't have to worry about submitting to a 'guy'. If he looks like a girl, its easier on my ego. On the other hand, trannies (for lack of a better term) is what I am attracted to the most sexually. After 15 years of experimenting, it's obvious.
     
  4. Mariju4na

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    Thanks so much for your help.
    Well I tried watching some gay porn, a few minutes of it. It made me feel bad and not only I wasn't aroused but my thing shrunk down to nothing... Should I try to watch more to get used to it?
    I watched it with the mindset, having admitted I am gay after what you wrote me.
    I might try masturbating with gay thoughts but I'll just finish no matter what, even if I don't like em.
    I never really got a hard on thinking about men and I have thought a lot of things to come to some conclusion. While I get aroused when thinking about having it with a woman.
    Still I feel something weird around men and I check em out to see if I like them or get aroused.
    God this is tough. Knowing or having hints in my life I am gay or getting hard ons on guys.. That would make it simple. But I've tried so many times and I just don't.
    I don't know, I will just have to find out somehow.
    How do guys find out, out of the blue they are gay? Not the once who say they knew since they were little.
     
  5. skyrad95

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    Hey there, just wanna say u reminded me a lot of myself when I was a younger teen. Just like u I had a shock but not really a panic attack but yeah, shocked and surprised. Just like Chip said, many of us are usually blissfully ignorant about it until something makes u realise that this is who u really are. Just like u I was into girls a lot, until one day a friend of mine showed me gay porn with intentions to disgust me but surprisingly, I find it erotic and yeah, I was aroused. Since then, thoughts about homosexuality invaded my head gradually and I was quite worried. Thinking about giving it a try, I began reading novels with homosexual contents. So yeah, its kinda like an "out of the blue" experience but it mostly begins that way, when u begin to get curious about guys but it can have 2 outcomes, one way or the other. In other words, the process of "being gay" so to speak comes gradually and it takes time especially for you yourself to accept it. But its the inital shock from the stimulus that makes it seem out of the blue...dont worry, take your time to assess your current curiousity but dont push it too far cos you'll already know the outcome before then. Hope you'll find out who u really are soon. :grin:
    Sincerely,
    Rady
     
  6. Mariju4na

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    Thank you so much mate. But thing is I am 24. Gay thoughts didn't come gradually. Just one day I woke up and got sex images with every person I met, even 80 y/o guys. I watched gay porn, tried watching 3 or 4 times.
    I got immense disgust at first, tried a second and a third time, I just wanted to close my eyes, my penis didn't move an inch it shrunk to nothingness. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
    I tried getting open minded saying to myself "no need to worry if you are gay you just gotta find out" just end this nightmare. Never got aroused.
    I just wake up every day and think about gay thoughts, all day long, that don't get me aroused, sometimes my hole body spikes, trying to shove them off.
    But I am obsessed at thinking of them to check If I finally became gay and this martyrdom is over.
    Yesterday I told myself, it's okay, gay or not, you are a human, it doesn't really matter.
    Ohh the day was good.
    Then I go to bed and a dream which I interpret as telling me I am having something from myself came up. Then possibly a gay theme that got me woken up aroused. I couldn't recall not a single image from the gay part of the dream it could be anything, I just assume it was.
    And that got me wondering again, all day long today, can't eat, can't laugh. Am I in such a deep denial, I am not letting myself get aroused by gay stuff, over and over again? Someone will say it is possible, I say that too. Could it be I am obsessed over this and just torturing myself? Has anyone have it so hard before?
    Thank you so much for your help Rady. Maybe I should read homosexual novels, no harm will come from that, or I'll just destroy my soul :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. skyrad95

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    You're much welcome my friend. :slight_smile: I won't dare say you are in denial. Its more like a conflict between your body and your mind. Your mind is curious and ready to try new stuffs (hence, the dream) but somehow it is not in sync with your physical self, perhaps a little more time would make things come together. Yeah, I guess reading may help since you are able to access your imagination and your deeper conscience more freely than direct stimuli that you can only perceive as it is (i.e. porn, pictures, etc..), which indirectly, may help you to connect with your physical self more easily. But yeah, take it easy, if your thoughts get a bit wild, go do something you like perhaps to ease your mind a bit. It's pretty fine to have it this hard, cos I've had it quite hard too. From novels I began watching shows with gay romances and it reached me deep that this is what I felt I wanted but I wasn't ready to accept it yet. Things got worse when I began to have serious man crushes before I could understand and accept my sexuality and I began acting a little weird around of my peers. It took me months to come to terms with it but I was happy :slight_smile: and that's most important. Of course with the help of my supportive little sister, often we joke about guys :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. I am bisexual but I have way more man crushes than with women, hence the predominantly gay status.

    Again I'd advise, don't take it too far. Don't force yourself if you can't, because everyone's process is different. Maybe yours requires another path but in the end, like I mentioned, there are only 2 outcomes. :slight_smile: Either you are or not. But whatever it is, always remember that you are who you are and that you are a beautiful person and important (quoting from a friend of mine in EC itself). I'll be here if you need someone to talk to because nobody deserves to go through this alone. :slight_smile: Also, enjoy experimenting, once it feels like a burden let it go and try something else.

    Sincerely,
    Rady :slight_smile:
     
  8. John2517

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    I was in your position before with the porn. It's just your mind telling you it's wrong because that's what our society has branded into your thoughts. So at first you'll think its wrong and you should stop watching immediately.

    Give it time. You don't even need to masturbate at first. Just try watching it for more than 10 seconds and let your mind fantasize the rest. I'm pretty sure you'll eventually like it and enjoy gay porn.

    Hope this helps!