Hi Im so glad I found this forum. If you could, some advice would be great. Its a bit of a rambling story, so please bear with me. Im not really sure where I fall on the spectrum, which frustrates me. I know I have had a few very intense crushes on women before, but I have at times enjoyed being with men too. Last spring while finishing grad school I suffered the one of the most intense crushes of my life on a female friend and realized I have been lying to myself for a very long time, partly out of fear of rejection from my fairly conservative family. Im nearly 35 now. Its been years (so many years!!!) since I have had a relationship of any kind, after my last breakup I told myself I would wait till I actually felt something, as casual sex with random guys was not doing it for me anymore. It took years of the single life and a lot of self-therapy but I am trying to be honest with myself now. My hetero relationships have been pretty bad overall ( with a dash of serious emotional abuse) and despite past interest on my part I have never had the guts to even kiss a girl. Because Im a very independent artistic type I have been ok thus far, Im good at keeping myself entertained and very busy. But I think this is really holding me back in my art and personal life. A friend from my home town told me last year "everyone knows" I am a closet case back home, and tried to pressure me to come out to him on the phone. I felt like crap but still could not. I guess he was not supportive enough, it did not feel right to tell him/the rumor mill. I came out to a few friends last year and even went on a date with a couple of girls from ******* ( There was no chemistry though. I was so caught up in trying to graduate and also still feeling so let down by the crush situation- she was sort of a tease who also had a boyfriend, who she maybe liked, maybe did not like.. long story, it was 3 months of hell and toe touching.) Even on those dates it felt a bit weird though, as girls dont seem to want to date girls who are still a bit confused about where they are at and not super out and super sexually confident etc. Also I find dating a bit weird. Im not horribly bad looking though and I have a lot of skills/opinions/interests so I guess I will find someone eventually that I click with. The thing is I made a (perhaps very foolish) choice to go abroad after grad school to save money, travel, etc.. Im currently in rural Asia in a beach town for the rest of the year. Its not all bad but its pretty conservative, and there is (apparently) no one to date in leagues. : ( Maybe coming here was a covert way to avoid dealing. Im kicking myself now. I dont feel safe coming out even here so far away, my job is pretty conservative,its a small town, and I am already a strange foreigner. In short, do you think it would be better to wait till I get back home and start dating again to come out, or should I just bite the bullet, seize the day, and start telling people? My folks are super stressed already because of my brothers heroin addiction/legal problems, it will not be easy for them. i would feel better if I had dated someone and was more confident in my sexuality before I told them..But maybe its better for all to be honest? Is there a rule book? Its been so long- I wish I had dealt with this when I was 20, the first time I fell for a girl friend and was terrified of rejection. I dont know whats best to do.. On top of this its just very EMBARRASSING that I have been so closeted for so long. I am an artist, and so so many of my friends are/have been gay, though out my life.:rolle: I have always thought of myself as very open minded. Somehow it never stopped me from feeling like I can put off dealing with my own sexuality until some future perfect point though. Ok, thanks for reading. Feels like I wrote my life story here. Any feedback would be helpful.
Seize the day I think. Make enquiries in the expat community before exploring the local scene. The barriers preventing self articulation, in my view, are internal (as they were for me, I think) and you may take them with you wherever you go. So do it now - and I'll add there are advantages to being abroad - one of which is being at some distance from all the connections and routine which could hamper you back home. I absolutely understand your embarrassment and empathise (*hug*). I've just come out in the past two years. The vast majority of my friends were gay friendly all my life. Everyone around me knew who they were from their late teens onward, and the self confidence and social value of being an comfortable out queer person (or indeed, a comfortable straight person) are quite high. To live in confusion feels like missing a boat in a way, and it's damaging to self esteem. But it gets better. Good friends around you won't reinforce your embarrassment, usually; but I too have been 'taunted' into coming out in the past (see my earlier thread!) and I know it sucks. But once out, I have a hunch you'll look back less and less and, instead, just be caught up in the new experiences you're creating for yourself...
Thanks so much! Its great that I am not the only one who feels embarrassed to come out so late. Its quite remarkable the amount of self deception that is possible in our minds... But its never to late to move on, and I can feel grateful for the positive role models I have had and not dwell on my regrets. I will try to make steps here, but the expat community in this town is REALLY tiny. Its a big part of why I have been feeling down since I got here. If I was in a bigger city it would be so much easier, perhaps. But even here, I am sure its possible. Even if I stay single I can still take steps towards being open, slowly. One person at a time I guess.
As someone not fully out the closet the only advice I can give is...do it in your own time...when it feels right for you...don't be pressured by other people's expectations...get comfortable with who you are
Well Tudor- I know what you are saying. I might wait on my parents but will probably tell my sister the next time we skype. I have been putting this off for so long, it seems unhealthy to delay more. Most likely it will all take longer then I plan (and be harder) anyways, best just get started somewhere.
There is no rule book on who to be honest to or when to tell someone. It's best when you come out when you feel comfortable and more importantly, to the people you can trust. If you fear that it's going to leak out to everyone, maybe tell one person at a time and ask them to respect you and keep it to themselves for the time being, until you're ready. You can come out any way you want, it's just my opinion. As for coming out to the people in your current area, it's really up to you. You might want to look up the laws and legal actions against LGBT members in your current country just in case, before you make any decisions. Other than that, I hope everything goes well good luck.
