I've been out for about 10 years now and have been in a great relationship for a little over 2 years now. And while I have sort of accepted the gay life for myself, I have trouble being around other gay couples. I'm not really involved in any gay activities or groups, but I do have some gay friends. I'm fine (and actually happy) seeing them together. It's when they start getting all affectionate and calling each "honey" or "sweetie" that I start to cringe. The issue I have is not with them, but myself. Why can't I accept them (or for that matter fully accept myself)? I am 47 and for about 5 years I was in therapy dealing with this. I've come a long way, but still not totally comfortable. And the thing is I know I am the same way with my partner to a degree, but it's always behind closed doors. To be fair though, I'm not crazy about straight couples showing too much PDA either. I keep reminding myself that these are my close friends who have always supported me-why do I have these issues? I try to let it go, but it always comes back. I would love to recondition myself so that I could let it go. Has anyone else been in a smiliar situation? Any feedback would begreatly appreciated! I also hope I have not offended anyone with this posting and I apologize if I have.
Perhaps you are simply uncomfortable about witnessing/hearing such a private moment? That's what I feel when I see PDA, gay or straight. I'm not sure if that means that I am prudish but it makes me feel like I'm part of a private moment (and I don't want to be) For some reason it makes me self-consious and I just want to dissappear into thin air. I don't know where to look! But I don't know why I feel that way. If it's jealousy (I'm single) or if I really am quite prudish, or maybe a bit of both. I guess it makes me feel too much: that I shouldn't be there seeing that. That I am an audience to something private; it almost makes me feel like I am peeking.
You're right-as I mentioned, I am not crazy about straight couples doing it also. But when I see gay couples showing PDA, it takes it to another level and I find myself questioning my own actions and how can I be this way. Obiously, 10 years later, I am still having issues being gay. Don't know if that will ever change-therapy helped some and the relationship defintely helped some as well (fortunately I am with a guy who feels the same way about PDA). I go to gay bars from time to time which offered mixed feelings for me-it's nice to feel so comfortable and be myself, but again, there is a ton of PDA (which I guess is to be expected). I just really wish I could let al lthese feelings go and let everyone lead their own lives and me just worry about mine.
Perhaps it is also because if you're a private person you would feel uncomfortable if others saw you showing affection like that. That because you keep that behind closed doors yourself, that seeing it in public feels a little awkward. So perhaps it is some form of projection too. (I guess I'm talking about myself here as well.)
I may not be much help on this one because I really have never understood the issue with PDAs. From where I sit, love's a good thing and I quite like it when you see little indicators that people love each other--straight, gay or otherwise. The other day my partner and I were talking about how obvious it is we are a couple while we shop for groceries--my partner is significantly shorter than I am and I will sometimes walk with my hand on his opposite should, we call each other "hon" or "babe" including when we have to sort of yell across the store; it's not like we make out at the grocery store, but no one would mistake us for anything other than a couple. I suspect from what you say that for you it may be more the gay than the PDA that is really the issue. The reason I say this is that you mentioned the example of someone calling their partner "honey" which does not in my mind rise to the level of what is usually called a public display of affection--although of course it literally is. My guess, and again I may be mistaken, is that when straight people do that you wouldn't classify it as a PDA. My guess, and again it's just a guess, is that you don't feel comfortable displaying your own affection for your partner (even in somewhat mild ways like "honey" and "sweetie") in public (there are many very reasonable reasons to feel that way) and on some level feel bad about it. My guess is that when other gay people--who presumably have the same reasonable reasons not to do so that you do--make such expressions of public affection, it makes you feel bad about the fact that you don't. If on the other hand such expressions are in fact wrong--if these things are private, if they fall into the same class as people who french at the grocery store (PDAs), in short if the other people who do this are wrong--you don't have to feel bad about the fact that you aren't comfortable doing such things. I guess it's a bit much to just say you should become comfortable doing such things. But maybe you could become more comfortable with the fact that your aren't comfortable doing such things. I don't know if that's any help or if it's completely off base, but that's what I thought (as someone who does not feel the way you describe) when I read your description.
I feel awkward watching MOVIES of straight people kissing each other, much less seeing it in person. Some of us just don't feel comfortable watching other people make out, so we aren't likely to feel comfortable doing it ourselves. You have a boyfriend who feels like you do and doesn't push you to do PDAs. Enjoy him, and don't worry about what others are doing in their own comfort zone; just look away if it bothers you.
I totally understand people who are not comfortable watching others make out. I'm okay with some kissing in public but not making out. However I think where the OP's concerns about PDA might indicate that this is something more than just an issue with making out is that he also has problems with simple terms of endearment being used. Calling someone honey or sweetie or baby or anything like that is generally not considered a PDA by most people. So frg0215, I guess what I would say to you is it sounds a bit like you may have come to a point where you believe that being gay is okay behind closed doors, but you think it should stay behind those closed doors completely. Even something as simple as a gentle touch of your partner's hand or calling them a term of endearment is not something you would be okay with doing in public right now. It sounds like you are still a bit ashamed of being gay and maybe could still use some more help in learning to accept yourself. You mentioned that you had been to counseling before but are not going anymore. Would it be possible for you to pick things back up with the same therapist or start seeing a new one? Maybe a new set of ears would have some ideas for you about how to get over this last hurdle that is holding you back from really accepting yourself and your friends.
Yeah I kind of agree with OGS. I'm not officially out to anyone - although a lot of people probably have their suspicions about my sexuality - so whenever I'm with my friends or family and we come across a situation where there's gay PDA involved, I always get uncomfortable too. If it's straight PDA I'm okay with it, but not gay. I've been thinking a lot about it and I think that's because I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed of being gay. I always thought I wasn't, I really want to be with a guy and I embrace this thought and I admit to myself that I want to love guys and do the dirtiest things with them too. But I grew up in such a prejudiced and sexist environment that I still bear some prejudice myself. I've been working on it but it's really not easy. I feel like situations where there's gay PDA always put me in people's radars. I feel like they're looking at me, judging me, and that makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they're thinking something like 'omg looks at these two guys calling each other names and caressing each other and making out in public, what a shame, they're so effeminate, they should keep it private' and probably go on and on in their heads about who's the girl, who tops, who bottoms, etc. And I don't want them thinking that about me. I don't know if you can relate to that or if that's the reason why you're so uncomfortable with PDA, but hopefully I've nailed it so you can start working on the issue
