I've been diagnoised with having OCD and I've had it for pretty much half my life since I was 10 or 11, my OCD is pure OCD meaning most of what I worry about is mentally. I have a few physical compulsions but it's whatever. Recently my OCD has been terrorizing me based on my sexual orientation. A couple of months ago I was 100% sure I was queer and very happy, but then my brain started obsessing on what if I'm not and now all I do is ruminate on the past and if I'm really gay or not. I feel really stupid and horrible because I begun to overanalyze all my past crushes and attractions and I always see other gay people posting how they started knowing or having gay feelings at a really young age like early puberty or even before. I had an online crush on an older lesbian at 13 but was so ashamed I decided to just go back to only liking guys. Then when I was 15 I fell in love with my friend since then my feelings and desires for woman pretty much have taken over. I feel bad that I didn't have any real feelings for the same sex till 15. My OCD just takes that and uses it against me all the time and I feel like I'll never be out of the closet because I obsessively worry that maybe I'm actually some bisexual cause I used to like boys or that going through some phase. I go to therapy and take meds but I'm just so stuck right now. I don't have any sexual or romantic desire for men, I feel like even in the past my sexual desire was little and all the boys I ever crushed on looked like girls. I just feel like I'm stuck in the closet forever I'm scared to date any girls because I don't want to find out that I don't really like girls by dating them or something. :icon_sad:
Omg I almost knew this would happen again... I made this post when I was experiencing a low crash in my mood and having intrusive thoughts and now I'm back to feeling like myself and gay. Ugh. It's so difficult to know who I am with this stupid disorder I'm so sorry I'm wasting everyone's time on here bleh.
I'm sorry you feel this way, sometimes I do too but not as much. I overanalyze and doubt myself. I'm not really sure how to help but know that there are people like me out there who can understand this. In the future you may find you want to date someone and you will either find out you're lesbian or not. I found out I was queer this year really, and some others find out when they're adults. You're probably at the average age to find out.
I have days where I question myself, but then all of the things that I have realized over the years resurface and I realize that I am in fact gay and no amount of hoping is going to change it. I don't know if this will help you, but when I was realizing I was gay, I realized that there is a difference between being able to acknowledge that someone is attractive/cute and actually being attracted to them. I don't know what you're going through because I'm not you, but every time I start trying to convince myself I'm straight, telling myself that there is a difference between being attracted to and knowing someone is attractive helps. Most times I start questioning are when I think of some girl I had a "crush" on in Elementary/Middle school. Hope this helps
I have generalized anxiety disorder, which also causes me to ruminate in a similar manner. I analyze, obsess, question, requestion, and so on. It's a cycle that probably won't be broken until you take action. People have been telling me I just need to come out as questioning and explore and see how things go from there. I haven't been able to do this just yet, but I think I would suggest to you something similar. You seem to be pretty sure of your feelings toward women and your lack of feelings toward men. If it's safe for you to do so it might be best for you to just come out as lesbian. You can then take steps to act on your feelings, maybe date, try to find a girlfriend, and so on. Once you do you'll probably feel more secure in your orientation. And if you find yourself less secure it's not the end of the world, sometimes people relabel themselves. Are you in therapy or on any kind of medication? Both of those things would likely help your OCD, as well. If you are in therapy, have you discussed these thoughts with your therapist?
I go to therapy and started taking medication which should eventually even out my mood... All my therapist and I talk about is my obsession with being 100% sure I'm gay but since yesturday I've calmed down a bit. To be honest I can still notice attractive men and label them as attractive but I don't really want to habe sex with them or form an emotional bond or anything of that sort. But with woman it's different I'm pretty sexually, physically, and mentally stimulated with woman so I'm attracted to them. Plus I can't find the male body arousing in any way, I never could. I don't think I could ever come out as questioning though because I'm not really questioning my orientation, I'm having my disorder attack it which sounds weird but that's how it feels like.
