I have known I was attracted to other guys ever since I was in high school. I first acted on it sexually when I was 17. I have kept this a deep secret from my family and friends out of fear for all these years. I come from a large, mostly conservative family. This past year or so, I have realized that I have had a lot of anxiety about this. I fantasize about being in a normal relationship where its not based on sex, being accepted by those I love, and continuing on with life. As for right now, that's all it is... a fantasy. Currently I am the caretaker for one of my parents, as my mom passed away a few years ago. This makes it more challenging for me because I think it would have been easier to discuss with my mom then it would be for my dad. He is older (in his mid-70's) and his health is declining. I have other siblings near by but its not much help. Being in the Midwest is difficult for me. I have lived in major cities across the country most of my life. There is no outlet here. Very close minded people but I have an obligation and responsibility to my family so I have to continue to make sacrifices. I have accepted who I am but am scared to death. Over the years, I have thought about trying to "change" who I am, but realized that was ridiculous. I am who I am. I have heard people talk about all of this being a choice and I cannot figure out how someone can honestly say that. I did not wake up one day and "decide" that I got turned on by other guys and not to women. They discuss it as it was as simple as picking a flavor of ice cream from Ben N Jerry's or something. If they only could listen to what my heart feels, then I think they might understand in a different light. This is the first time I have said these things to anyone... After reading it for myself, it is a lot of rambling but I feel that I need to start somewhere in talking about who I truly am.
I just wish there was someone, somewhere, that I could chat with about it. Having it bottled up for so long has been hard. I think that talking about it might help with the anxiety?
I don't have a solution to your problem, but talking about it can definitely help. There are many people here that would be glad to listen to and talk to you. If you want pm me.
There are some folks listed on the top of the forum who are available for counseling. There are quiet a few. Maybe you should contact one of them? Good luck to you, the midwest can be rough.
I am from the same area that you are, so I may understand the location well. I've had a lot of feelings similar to what you express here as well, and I wish for the same thing. I would be more than happy to offer you any humble help that I may be able to provide. Consider me an ethereal friend who barely exists, but a friend nonetheless.
I love your last sentence, I think it sums up so many people - myself included. Well anyway, talking about it definitely helps. And reading other people's threads as well...sometimes it's all been said and we just need to look for it. You can post stuff to other people's walls if that's what they're called on EC. It's not very private, but then this is all anonymous. I'm not very experienced and I'm still young and closeted and come from a totally different reality but would be glad to help if I could, and the forum is packed with people who would be glad to help too
Thank you Gypsy and Archie for your comments and support. It really does help. I just wish there was an easier way to chat directly with you guys. Alas, soon enough I guess. Again though, thank you..
My thoughts exactly! You are what you repeatedly do, said Aristotle. I'm glad that you've gotten through this obstacle in your life. Now, you can start living how you want to and have friends who will love you for you. You have to muster up a lot of courage in order to do this, so I congratulate you good sir
