I know the title sounds weird but let me explain... A few months ago I came out to my boyfriend about being asexual as I realised I didn't like being with guys sexually (I'd been with guys other than him in the past) - he was disappointed but remained supportive and understanding. I could be with him romantically (kissing, cuddling, holding hands, spending time together etc.) but anything further than that (making out etc.) was a no no for me. :dry: I haven't had sex with him but I've done pretty much any other sexual related thing with him (except anal) and I didn't really enjoy it but I did it to make him happy and because he wanted it. I've always been a strong ally of the LGBTQ community but for a long time I convinced myself I was straight. The signs of me being a lesbian have been there since I was 6 years old - my first kiss was with a girl (although I was too young to know whether or not I enjoyed it) and I liked doing "things" with girls. I've had crushes on guys and being in a relationship with them romantically is okay but sexually...no thanks. To put it bluntly, I don't like penis. For a long time I was able to say "I'm straight" but in the back of my mind I've always wondered if I'm lesbian. I don't like straight porn but I like lesbian porn, I like the look of girls (in all aspects) better than guys and I can see myself with a girl. The only problem is that I haven't had a real lesbian experience yet (except the stuff when I was younger) so I'm scared that I'll try it and not like it - I think I will like it but I'm not 100% sure. I love my boyfriend but more in a best friend way or a "person I like cuddling with" way but not in the way a straight couple love each other. I know he handles breakups badly and if I broke up with him other this he'd cut all contact with me, it'd be really awkward as we're both friends with the same people and he'd either think it was his fault in some way (even though it isn't) OR that I'm just confused. I've been acting distant with him for the past couple of months and have been avoiding him - I know it's bitchy but I just can't bring myself to tell him as I know it'd crush him and it'd just make everything so difficult. I've only come out to 4 people (3 guys, 1 girl) and I haven't told my Parents yet. Can anyone here please give me some advice? Am I really a lesbian? If so, how do I break it to my boyfriend without him hating me? I know I'm the only one who can truly know my sexual orientation but I really need help with this. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
It's true, only you can know your sexual orientation, but from what you are saying, I think you already know the answer to that. It's very confusing, I understand.I was married for 9 years, and had boyfriends in the past, yet I had no idea. It wasn't until I had a crush on a girl that I realized I was lesbian. I did what was expected sexually, but not really into it and as the years went on, it became worse and I thought of every excuse I could not to, and still didn't know I was gay. I thought I had romantic feelings towards men, but it was only after I realized that I was attracted to women did I realize I didn't have romantic feelings for men. I have no experience with women, yet I have absolutely no doubt I'm a lesbian. We know who we like, who we are attracted to, who gives us butterflies. Men, not at all, and this became apparent much later, but women, love everything about them. I tried to think if I was in a relationship could I be romantically and emotionally attracted as well as physically, and in my mind, the answer is most definitely a yes! The past 10 months have been an experience of self-discovery, and I am more certain every day. I used to deny every thought, feeling, desire that women generated in me. When I finally realized what I was doing, and let my thoughts, etc. come naturally, it didn't take long to realize where I belong. How do you tell your boyfriend? That's always the difficult part. Be honest with him, it's the best way. You already told him you were asexual, so go with that. It's not that you're asexual, but that you are sexually attracted to women and not men. You didn't realize it earlier because you thought you weren't sexually attracted to anyone until you began noticing other girls and how they made you feel. Tell him it has nothing to do with him, it's you. And he may ask how you didn't know before, and you can again be honest. You thought you were straight, but there was always that question there and you pushed it away. Hopefully he'll understand, but I don't think there is any way to do it so he doesn't hate you if that's the route he chooses. You can control your feelings and actions, but not his. How he reacts is his responsibility, and that includes if he reacts badly or tries to make you feel guilty. You are who you are, and don't apologize or feel guilty for that.
Sounds like you are on the right track. If you break up and make it about you and not him its the best you can do..As long as he knows its NOTHING to do with him. Probably it will hurt a little no matter what but what can you do? Its better to tell the truth than continue to lie.
I think it definitely sounds like you are a lesbian. As for telling your boyfriend... it's going to be hard, but it has to be done. You did already come out to him as asexual, and this is just a step up. Be brave! You can do it! (*hug*)
