Love my best friend

Ok so I will try to keep this as short as possible while providing all of the information.

I am 20 years old and after a lot of thinking of confused feelings, I've came to the conclusion I am bi. I am 100% sure since I have had sexual dreams of both sexes, I'm attracted to both sexes, etc.

Well I was in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years. I loved her, the relationship has been going smoothly and we had a wondferful time together. The only problem was that I was having problems in sex due to my fucked up circumcision. I can't feel much during sex, I could only climax once during sex out of the hundred or so tries, only thanks to not masturbating for three weeks. Well that was giving me a hard time, but it would be bearable if not for the other problem.

About a year ago, I realized I love my best friend (male). We know each other for some 10 years, we have always been great pals and lately we share everything together. I always knew I had a thing for him slightly, but I just thought it's just great friendship.

Well, but a year ago, I was in a pretty fucked up emotional state because of the sex problems, and he was there to comfort me, and I think only then did I really emotionally unstrain myself and realized that I felt much more towards him than just friendship.

To make it worse, through all these years he would often say "I love you" to me in a joking tone, sometimes he would just start to massage my shoulders randomly, or scratch my head gently, lay his head on my belly when we layed next to each other, even massaged my nipple two weeks ago after we got drunk, etc. Granted, he is a sportsman (not sure if you know but sportsmen always kind of push the borders in their locker rooms). But even now when we talk on FB or something, he always, in a joking manner, makes remarks about how he'd like to have sex with me etc.

We live together in the same room with him and another best friend, since we all study in the same city. Well once we went clubbing, I ended up pretty drunk and making out with a girl, but nothing more and we went back home, it was like 4AM, and after I took a shower, I wanted to go to my bed, he just said "Will you come to me?", despite the other friend being there too, with a girl. So I came and laid beside him, we chatted friendlily for another hour or so, and then I said "I think I should go to sleep, we have school tommorow" and he hugged me with one of his arms saying "no don't go yet" but I wasn't ready for anything and was actually getting a boner so I left anyway.

On the other hand though, he's had loads of girls through the years, specially last year, he's had like 20 one night stands over the summer. And he used to date a girl back when he was 12 or so, they broke up when they were 14 but he confessed he still loved her, and actually they got together again last year before X-mas. He's also always said he is 100% sure about his straight sexuality when people made fun of him for wearing a pink T-shirt, back when we were smaller and stupid.

So all in all, he claims he is straight, he has a girlfriend he said he dreamed about for years, but I'm also 99% sure he has feeling for me, because what he says and especially does to me absolutely surpasses any definition of friendship.

Well to finally conclude, for the last year, I was pretty fucked up because of this, because I realized I loved him more than I do love my girlfriend, no matter how much I liked her, so I had to break up with her two months ago because it just wasn't fair to her. I didn't tell her about this though, I just said I didn't love her as much I used to anymore and that I'm not ready for a relationship now, because of the sexual problems too (which is true).

And almost every day I see him, since we live together, he keeps teasing me, but I am too scared to tell him anything. Worst thing is, I really can't stop thinking about this, coupled with the fact it caused the break-up. When we go out for a beer with our friends, I soon get quiet and closed in myself because I can't stay with him for too long, when we go to the shop or whatever together, I feel so awkward. Also, I study architecture, and these constant thoughts creeping into my head have completely fucked up my freshman year results, and I know that if I don't solve my problems until the 2nd grade, I can just give up because I will keep producing shit stuff in school. I also feel like I'm missing out on my life, I couldn't be with my gf, then there was a female classmate who I really liked too, she liked me back, but I couldn't make any move because I wasn't sure where I am currently in my life.

I just can't live like this anymore, and so, after a year of bouncing my thoughts back and forth, I've decided I need to tell him. I know I can't demand him to leave his GF for me or anything, I just need to get it out of myself, or I will never be able to move on. The problem is, I am extremely worried I will lose the friendship because of this (and I most probably will). And it's not just the friendship with him, I will have to move out of the appartement, leaving the other best friend and other 2 friends in the appartement. Also, we are all part of a bigger, amazing group of friends, that I spent 10 amazing years of my life with, and I just can't imagine not being around them anymore.

But unfortuately this is the risk I have to take, since as I said, staying in this same position would literally drive me crazy and fuck up my situation even more. Thank you if you managed to read it all the way down here. What I need now is advice on how to bring it up to him? Any body got experience with something similar? Maybe there is a way of telling him and not losing him anyway?

Thanks again if you've read it all and I hope you can help me. Also, sorry for the wall of text (which I claimed I wouldn't write) but I needed to get all the details out.

 

Thanks a lot everyone for the replies, it helps a lot talking with others about it. I agree with all you said, so I'll just adress the special points:

I know that he would never tell me "I don't want to see you ever again". But the point is, that I probably can't stay around him anymore, because it is driving me nuts. And if I have to avoid him, I have to avoid the other friend too, because we do most things together. You say my friendships will shift - which they definitely have with the transition to university. But these two guys are -the friends-, and it's tearing me apart that I will probably have to lose at least one, if not both.

He's most probably into me too, in some way, but it could be in a completely different way. Of course that I am not very objective in this matter, but the frequence and overall duration and persistence of his "moves" really seem too much to mean nothing.

Well technically I've never claimed to be straight, although I definitely never claimed to be anything else, which is probably the same.

You're right, that's pretty much what I came here for. I really have no idea how to approach him with this, without being too straightforward, because I can imagine how intimidated I would be if someone confronted me with something like this, especially if the feeling wouldn't be there from my side.

 

Thanks again for the replies, and with them in mind, I will post these clarifications:

Worst thing is, I don't really know what I want. I want him, can't deny that to myself, but on the other hand, I value him much more as a friend, than I want him as a partner or what. Problem is, I can't be friends with him anymore. I thought time would heal that, but it's not getting any better. If it was up to me, I would love to be back with my gf and him as my best friend, my life used to be so much easier and happier back then, but my undermind just won't let me.

I wish I had the balls to tell him sooner, when he was still single, that would have made the talk much easier for him at least.

Also, about the break-up:
My now ex-gf studies in a different city, architecture is extremely time demanding, and on top of that I play in two bands and participate in scouting etc... so we only saw each other like once in two weeks for a night, had sex which only made me down coz of my problems, which slowly made the relationship unbearable for me, because all of the great times we used to have together, got replaced by unsatisfying sex. I know it may sound like a silly reason to some, but really, it builds up over time, and when everything you try doesn't work, you get fed up. Well and couple that with the realization about my feelings towards my friend.

That's what I told my friend (except the crush ofc), because he noticed I was acting weird and I told him I want to talk about something. So he knows something's up with me, but he thinks he knows the whole story, which he doesn't.

All in all I am still pretty confused on what I want, but I definitely know that this is something I need to solve. I need to tell him, whatever he replies. I'm expecting that even if he had feelings for me, he will choose his gf, obviously, and actually I think that's the best way this can end. Maybe, I hope at least, that after the talk I will be able to let the crush go and become a friend of him again.

I just need to talk to him, and I can't find the balls to do it. All your advice is helping me a lot, so thanks again everybody who replied, I think that when I will prepare for all the predictable turns the conversation can take, I will be ready to bring it up when the time seems right.

 

That actually sounds Like a great opener, Thanks!

Today ive been With him again and i came to realize That his feelings towards his gf are much stronger than towards mÄ› anyway. All i Want Is to get This burden Off my heart, i Know i cant be With him. I just Want to let It Out and be free again.

PS: excuse The Random Caps and stuff, czech Phone cant handle english

 

Thanks foam, I hope you are right.

I've read similar stories on this web, read my own words in this thread again and thought about this whole thing once more, and came to this conclusion:

I don't want a relationship with him, because I know it wouldn't work out, he wouldn't want it, and I can't really imagine myself in a serious gay relationship no matter how hard I try, despite probably inclining towards men more sexually.

I am absolutely 100% positive though that I mean a lot to him too, and that when I tell him, he will not try to remove me from his life. I think that by telling him and releasing the pressure, I will be able to overcome this and make our friendship even better.

In a week, we are both going to the same summer camp as instructors, I hope I will find a good opportunity to tell him there. I might need to set up an ultimatum for myself. I'm having big trouble talking about myself IRL, and when I wanted to tell him about my problems earlier, I had to write a message on FB telling him I need to talk about something, and then it took me like five minutes before I forced myself to press Enter. So I guess I might need to go that way.

Well this thread has become more of a personal public diary by now but it's helping, I think this situation has taught me another thing too - diaries are not stupid thing for little girls, they really help you sort your head out when you're confused.

Once again, thanks everyone for your input, I am finally feeling motivated to do a step forward instead of just tumbling in the darkness like I was in the past months! Whatever the outcome is, I need to do this to become myself again!

 

It will be bold once I manage to tell him, writing anonymously on the internet is easy

I will definitely update you guys once I get to do this.

 

Well I hope that my experience will at least give some food for thought to others in the same boat as me, so they will not wait for a year like me, or 4 years like you, living the unknown.

There's such a terrible fight within myself, one moment I want to tell him everything but the other I get so scared that I will lose the friendship. I wish I could just stop liking him this way, but time has proven I only want him more and more

Every day, I realize deeper and deeper than I need to get over this. One year of my life was de facto lost in darkness, when just a few minutes of honest speech might fix the situation. I must not back out of this, I must not give up!

 

I have thought of that, but I can't imagine "just coming out to him". He will ask how did I come to this conclusion, which guy do I like? Saying only something like "I'm checking out guys as well on the beach." wouldn't be enough of an answer.

I've never felt anything towards a guy otherwise, only him. So just saying I'm bi, and then not saying anything else, would once again be just a partial truth and I don't want to delve into that again, he's had enough partial truths from me already.

If I just came out to him, he would realize it is not the full truth anyway. If I told him something like that, he will know the truth anyway. But I want to be honest with him, finally in a year, to be 100% honest.

---------- Post added 9th Jul 2014 at 03:49 PM ----------

To clarify, I don't plan to tell him "I love you!!!!!!!!" but something along the lines of what Dragoness said: